Do you ever get bad news repeated to you on the regular? I mean like the same bad news is told to you over and over again?
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Recently I heard a type of bad news 3 times. For two weeks I was told the same bad news. After 3 tests I was told I was pre-diabetic. What does this mean exactly? Well I am still learning. However since diabetes, both type 1 and 2 run in my family, I knew quite a bit about what this means.
Bad news triggers different things in all of us but for me, it usually triggers the same things.
Dear bad news triggers…you are not very creative!!!
It usually triggers a sense of needing to control everything in me, an anxiety, a swirly feeling and a frantic face.
For about four years I struggled with anorexia. I’ve been scared to talk about it but I’m more tired than I am afraid of shame and all it’s toxic lies.
It is part of my tender and brave story. My struggle made me think that being overweight was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Restricting food made me feel powerful and in control.
As much as I feel recovered, the temptation came back with the bad news. Suddenly the urge to restrict was strong again. It felt scary. I feel like I’ve recovered so much. How can I even feel so drawn to this deadly obsession? Why does this seem so appealing right now?
This morning laying in bed I read a quote by Bob Goff’. He said, “Don’t let who you were talk you out of who you’re becoming”
Isn’t that just like Spring? Spring is about becoming, sprouting and growing. No matter how icy cold and relentless winter is, Spring is more stubborn. Something warm and beautiful and bloomy is, in fact, more stubborn. Against all odds, Spring bursts out of the ground, waving and throwing greens like confetti.
Spring is a dauntless badass.
We have all had winters in our lives. We’ve encountered barren trees and dead leaves. We have experienced pain and loss. We did the best we could. I have the most respect for my story. I work to forgive myself for hurting my body the way I did when my eating disorder was in it’s most frigid winter.
Just because I had an eating disorder doesn’t mean I have to go back to one. I don’t have to manage my life like that anymore. I don’t have to numb myself by not eating. I can feel swirly AND breathe deeply AND feed myself.
Today I have more choices then I did then. I know more. I know who I am becoming.
As Glennon Doyle reminded me today, “Your best- is ahead, not behind. “
Who am I becoming?
What exactly is ahead? Well it’s Spring of course!
Always and forever Spring wins.
Happy Easter friends!