When candles don't work #31days

I have some days where I really love practicing self-care. I have other days where it doesn’t feel like I have time. I have days where I feel so discouraged and defeated I feel that nothing will help me. I had a gray day this week. It seemed that my usual things that helped lift my spirit weren’t working. Usually buying candles, or drinking some strong coffee can do the trick. When that doesn’t work, I go to journaling or doing some art. Painting brings color and life to my soul. It feels like my insides are being released when I do art.

Somedays however no matter what I do, it’s just not turning my world cheery.  I had a strong desire to color the other day so I bought a box of crayons and Scott printed out some fall coloring sheets for me (complete with pumpkins and scarecrows) And yes, I used to be a nanny (once a nanny, always a nanny in heart) Scott and I walked to get ice-cream this afternoon too and I had a double scoop with my favorite, chocolate chip cookie dough in a homemade waffle cone. Even though these things are great and take the edge off of my mood it is what it is today.

So I decided to pray.  Praying is a form of self-care that doesn’t always produce immediate results as I would want or hope. It doesn’t suddenly make me feel better. It doesn’t make me healthy inside instantly. It doesn’t change a lot of things in fact. At least from what I can see.

The thing is though for years and years people have prayed. I somehow trust this tradition. Something in my gut tells me that all my prayers are heard. My grandma was a woman who prayed all the time.  She would call my family and I and take our prayer requests. This time of year reminds me of her because she would always send me an obnoxiously orange and adorable Halloween card in the mail with cash to buy myself some candy. She did this no matter how old I got. She loved fall and she loved Halloween. She was the first to decorate her house and the first to buy way too much candy for all trick-or-treaters in her neighborhood and to put on a pointy black hat. 

I miss her.

But I just have this feeling that she is up celebrating fall with Jesus and experiencing all of her prayers answered that she wrote down on all her crinkly papers scattered all over her house here on earth.

My grandma was a bit of a worrier. I know people say you can't worry and pray simultaneously but I would just like to say I am a really good multi-tasker and I think my grandma was too. I would also like to note that we are human and sometimes I am just really anxious. But damn it, I am still going to pray.

Tonight I am praying through Ephesians 3:17-19. I am praying that the Anointed One would reside in my heart, that my love might be rich soil where my life can truly take root. I am praying that love will be the bedrock where my life is founded. I am praying that I will understand that the love of the Anointed is infinitely long, wide, high, deep, surpassing everything. This love sets me free and keeps me safe. I am praying this love gives me hope and faith.