Marital Strengths

This weekend I am helping out with a Hold Me Tight couples retreat with some other amazing therapists I work with! The retreat is based off of the book called, Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson who is the developer of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.

I am so looking forward to this retreat! I know that EFT has helped out so many couples in distress and has helped them foster a secure attachment. In honor of this retreat coming up I decided to take a little bit of time to think about my own relationship. I thought of our strengths as a couple and what helps continue to foster our secure attachment to each other.

It's ironic (and sad and sometimes humorous) that our culture and media shows us what "strengths" are relationally and how often these so called "strengths" are never what really helps a couple thrive. Often what we see on simplistic romantic comedies (which I love by the way so no hating) as strengths are as follows:

• The couple is super hot (and if not, the woman is super hot)
• They have sex constantly or at least want it constantly (they can barely function, go to work or pay their bills BECAUSE SEXUAL TENSION)
• There is a serendipitous moment (a meet cute) or just a moment of knowing this is the other person's soul mate. How they discover this? Through background music and staring into each other's eyes and moving VERY SLOWLY. 
• Usually a very weird and easily avoidable misunderstanding/miscommunication. 
• An exit and then a chase of sorts (due to disastrous communication). Someone will invariably try to leave by plane, boat, train or on foot (due to their terrible lack of communication skills) and the other will chase them down by plane, boat, train or on foot.  

Things like consistency, trust, loyalty and putting in the effort (to learn some freaking communication skills) are not exactly highlighted or showcased in the media, movies or books. In defense of romantic comedies if they whole thing was one dialogue about "what makes you feel safe relationally" for example we would all fall asleep. The couple would be more happy but we wouldn't be very entertained. We love our chases! 

I thought I would share some of Scott and I strengths that I experience day to day that help us feel connected and securely attached to one another. When we have conflict I think about the things that are positive about our relationship. I remember that we are so much more than a fight or irritating argument. Some are super simple like shared experiences or hobbies (which helps us feel connected as we spend quality time together) and some are more complex and something we've had to work on (like asking for space when we need it.) 

• We both love reading together. 
• We both like to explore coffee shops and try out new coffee. 
• We both highly value winning prizes.
• We respect each other's space and independence.
• We are thrifty and sneaky financially and somehow figure out how to go on trips together.
• We are creative.
• We take time to hear about each other's day. 
• We ask the hard questions. 
• When we we mess up; we say sorry.
• We like to dream about our future together.
• We both share a deep passion for COZY. (soft blankets, candles, fun drinks)
• We are rock stars because we have different internal clocks. (when Scott is wide awake in the morning I am asleep and when I am buzzing around at midnight he is snoring)
• We make time with friends and family a priority and encourage each other to do the same.
• We verbally affirm each other regularly.
• We feel safe enough to ask for what we want and need.
• We write each other little notes.
• We usually win at board games when we are on the same team.
• Scott is a good cook and I am good eater.
• We have rituals (date nights, morning coffee dates, evening prayers)
• We are both love spending time with our little pup and taking him to new places, beaches, and parks to explore. 
• We both care about our neighborhood.
• We are deeply and soulfully invested in our faith. 
• We both care about our spiritual growth.
• We list out our gratitudes to each other every night. 
• We both love nature and the outdoors but hate laying on the sand at the beach because ITCHY.
• We are pretty decent candlemakers.
• We are really INTO each other.
• We connect well intellectually.
• We both love making the other person laugh. 

What are some of your relational strengths?