And Is This Really
The Right Question?*
A long clung to stereo-type is the whole “men are more
visual and men have a higher sex drive than women” First things first though!
Whatever you are doing I want you to get to a calendar as FAST as you can.
Google calendar is fine, the one on your phone or on your wall. But just check
in on the year. I’ll wait.
So now that we’ve had that little update let’s all say the
year together:
2017.
It’s 2017!
That means we are here. In the present. And I have to say,
sometimes we live a lot like we are in the past. We still carry around strange
old stereo-types like they are badges of honor. And one of the favorite
old-school narratives is: men have a stronger sex drive.
I wonder if we can break this one down a little? What are
the implications of this? Personally it’s a well-used and (quite worn out I
might add) power play. Implications are as follows:
I, a man, have a stronger sex drive than you therefore:
-I need sex
-I lust all the time
-I can’t help but look
-I am visual
-If I cheat, you know why.
Now excuse me while I go barf in the trash next door.
Now I know I am not a scientist. I am not a professional
researcher. I don’t study biology full time. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist
and from my experience both professionally and personally this whole thing is a
bunch of poop shit. (saying poop twice gets the point across more I think). Men
and women both have sex drives and while they might express themselves DIFFERENTLY that does not mean one gender has a higher sex drive then the
other.
But in case you are skeptical of my highly scientific and
highly researched data (aka my personal and professional experience and all the
books there ever was) below are five reasons why we might be able to finally
call B.S. on the nonsense of “men have a stronger sex drive than women”. *
So here are Five Reasons why this data just might not be all that accurate anymore
1. Some
Research is Biased.
Who were the ones who created the research on this in the first place? If we look at the STEM fields (science, technology, engineering and mathematics) it’s easy to note the gender gap. Men have dominated this industry for a very long time. So if we continue along this line of thinking we might presume that largely white straight men have been creating and driving this line of thinking that men have higher sex drives right? When you think about it, it’s absurd because so much research has lacked a female perspective or even perspective of different ethnicities especially in the science field. It seems to me that this research comes out of a patriarchal and sexist mindset that only (at least appears) to benefit men and not women. Basically we know what white, straight men think but what do the rest of us think when it comes to this topic? (and you do know that a white man came up with the tampon
2. Our Sex Drives Are Different.
This does not mean men have higher sex drives and that women have lower sex drives. It means they are different and show up differently. In some ways male sex drives are more linear and straightforward. Women’s sex drives tend to vary from high highs to low lows especially when you think of the female menstrual cycle and the way hormones levels change and interact throughout the month. There are even a couple of studies done by Meredith Chivers that shows some difference between men and women’s desires. What she found was that women were aroused physiologically by a much wider range of stimuli than men.
3. Hormones!
Speaking of hormones, sex drive has more to do with hormones than with gender. Estrogen, testosterone and progesterone make up part of the sex drive. Everyone lands on a spectrum of sex drive and each person has varying degrees of libido often depending largely on our hormone levels.
4. Cultural Constructs Matter
The stereo-type of men having a higher libido might be more of a cultural construct than a biological truth. Different sexual expressions are often a byproduct of socially constructed norms. Biological differences can arise from social conditioning such as telling males their whole life that they have a “strong sex drive” and will struggle with lust affects how they perceive the world. In the same way perpetuating the stereo-type that “you’re a woman and you don’t crave sex” has conditioned women to feel shame about their sex drive, hide it or completely repress it and therefore they don’t believe theirs is very strong. A survey in the UK showed that 47% of men would give up sex for 6 months for a 50-inch Plasma TV. Women would only make that trade 35% of the time. So look how gender priorities are reversed!
5. Don’t Forget About the Individual Experience
It is too black and white and inaccurate to claim that all men have high sex drives and all women have low sex drives. We cannot reduce or oversimplify humans in such a way. Yes SOME men do. And yes, SOME women do as well. According to research 1 in 5 men would rather do anything else but sex. It is not helpful in fostering closeness between partners and it disregards individual experience, season of life, hormone levels, age, ability, current stressors, medication side affects and the actual relationship. If anything, this stereo-type harms both males and females. Men feel constantly pushed into being the initiator, the more sexually aggressive one, the one who is visual and needs sex constantly. If they don’t feel this way internally they experience shame and question their masculinity. In the same way when women find themselves with a strong sex drive, wanting to initiate sexually and being aroused easily it can create shame because it feels like they are acting out of what is seen as abnormal for their gender.
Who were the ones who created the research on this in the first place? If we look at the STEM fields (science, technology, engineering and mathematics) it’s easy to note the gender gap. Men have dominated this industry for a very long time. So if we continue along this line of thinking we might presume that largely white straight men have been creating and driving this line of thinking that men have higher sex drives right? When you think about it, it’s absurd because so much research has lacked a female perspective or even perspective of different ethnicities especially in the science field. It seems to me that this research comes out of a patriarchal and sexist mindset that only (at least appears) to benefit men and not women. Basically we know what white, straight men think but what do the rest of us think when it comes to this topic? (and you do know that a white man came up with the tampon
2. Our Sex Drives Are Different.
This does not mean men have higher sex drives and that women have lower sex drives. It means they are different and show up differently. In some ways male sex drives are more linear and straightforward. Women’s sex drives tend to vary from high highs to low lows especially when you think of the female menstrual cycle and the way hormones levels change and interact throughout the month. There are even a couple of studies done by Meredith Chivers that shows some difference between men and women’s desires. What she found was that women were aroused physiologically by a much wider range of stimuli than men.
3. Hormones!
Speaking of hormones, sex drive has more to do with hormones than with gender. Estrogen, testosterone and progesterone make up part of the sex drive. Everyone lands on a spectrum of sex drive and each person has varying degrees of libido often depending largely on our hormone levels.
4. Cultural Constructs Matter
The stereo-type of men having a higher libido might be more of a cultural construct than a biological truth. Different sexual expressions are often a byproduct of socially constructed norms. Biological differences can arise from social conditioning such as telling males their whole life that they have a “strong sex drive” and will struggle with lust affects how they perceive the world. In the same way perpetuating the stereo-type that “you’re a woman and you don’t crave sex” has conditioned women to feel shame about their sex drive, hide it or completely repress it and therefore they don’t believe theirs is very strong. A survey in the UK showed that 47% of men would give up sex for 6 months for a 50-inch Plasma TV. Women would only make that trade 35% of the time. So look how gender priorities are reversed!
5. Don’t Forget About the Individual Experience
It is too black and white and inaccurate to claim that all men have high sex drives and all women have low sex drives. We cannot reduce or oversimplify humans in such a way. Yes SOME men do. And yes, SOME women do as well. According to research 1 in 5 men would rather do anything else but sex. It is not helpful in fostering closeness between partners and it disregards individual experience, season of life, hormone levels, age, ability, current stressors, medication side affects and the actual relationship. If anything, this stereo-type harms both males and females. Men feel constantly pushed into being the initiator, the more sexually aggressive one, the one who is visual and needs sex constantly. If they don’t feel this way internally they experience shame and question their masculinity. In the same way when women find themselves with a strong sex drive, wanting to initiate sexually and being aroused easily it can create shame because it feels like they are acting out of what is seen as abnormal for their gender.
*Sidenote let’s for one sec just pretend men do have the
higher sex drive. (like we’ve pretended for the LAST MILLION AND ONE YEARS).
Well I have a question; um since women are the ones who PROCREATE after all,
shouldn’t we be a bit more concerned about helping females out with their SEX
DRIVE? AKA why have we literally poured billions into Viagra to help men keep a
penis awake and done nothing to help out women out?! I am completely baffled.
**Also men and women both agree that bacon is better than sex. Agree or disagree?
My wife is a sex machine!
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