No buying iced lattes and why I'm going to lose it (Including 16 reasons to go to Dark Horse)

 I recently looked at our finances which turned out to be the worst, okay maybe a good decision. This is when I realized that Scott and I had to work at cutting out a few of our most beloved favorites. I made up a budget to show Scott for when he came home from work.

          

Numbers don’t lie. I really wish they would. I want them to be abstract like art and in their meaning. But really, they just mean what they say. Since we are now what I am calling local missionaries or stateside missionaries I realized there were some things we just had to cut out (things we want but don’t necessarily need)

1.      Buying coffee like lattes, cappuccinos, cold brew, pumpkin spice deliciousness
2.      Buying clothes
3.      Buying candles (yes this deserves it’s own category)

 I am simultaneously crying and screaming inside. I really want to tell you this is all for a virtuous reason. It’s for lent. It’s cause Scott and I are godly and want to simplify our life. I want to be noble and classy about the whole thing. I can’t though. I just feel like my insides are screeching and clawing. I feel cagey. I want to be cool and zen about the whole experience like what I would assume a true yogi is. (oh yeah no spending money on yoga classes either) I want to spend money. That is the truth.

I adore shopping. When I met my “friend,” Shopping, I found a great vice and anti-anxiety practice. I found adrenaline rush and release. I found fashion and ideas for creativity. Without my shopping for clothing entertainment I assume I will find my obsession somewhere between mommy blogs or making lists. I love both those things and they are in fact, free.

 Don’t even get me started on how it’s fall and the pumpkins will be out along with my pumpkin spice latte. Yes, mine. I founded it. Fall is only my FAVORITE time of year. It’s full of leggings and boots and scarves and the aroma of all things spice and everything is nice. No candles! How will I survive!? I know you probably think I am exaggerating my emotions on here but I’m really not. Candles are like my self-care. They are my practice. I don’t know how to do life without them.

 Now for Dark Horse. For those of you who don’t know (you terribly deprived people) It’s an ever-expanding and growing quaint coffee shop that locally roasts, brews and hand crafts coffee for you personally. I don’t even know how to begin this grieving period. September has not even begun and I have entered the mourning period. Scott and I had our last Dark Horse today right before we sped off to church. We both felt sad about our last day but would have felt even more sad without saying goodbye. I am extremely embarrassed at my lack of discipline when it comes to Dark Horse. But for the love of God, they brew their coffee beans outside our back door every.single.day. That smells gets me every time. It is like an extension to our home. All the best things happen there: dates with Scott, I read, I write, I meet with friends. I make new friends. I write letters. Scott and I play backgammon there. Besides all my memories there cold brew is A GIFT. My body pain leaves when I have their coffee, my mood improves, and suddenly my life is splendid indeed. Scott and I try and try to be more disciplined and make goals for ourselves such as we can only go once individually and once together this week, but really this is what ends up happening:

I needed to study somewhere so I went to Dark Horse

I had a horrible migraine when I woke up so I had to get some caffeine

I had a bad day so I went to Dark Horse

I had a bad night so I went to Dark Horse

We want to play a game, let’s go to Dark Horse

I saw a spider so I went to Dark Horse

I went to Dark Horse to borrow a power drill

I am meeting with (insert friend’s name here) at Dark Horse

It’s my birthday so I went to Dark Horse

It’s your birthday so we are going to Dark Horse

It’s a holiday so we are going to Dark Horse

I am lonely so I went to Dark Horse

I got locked out of our house so I went to Dark Horse

We are having a morning date so let’s go to Dark Horse

I was bored so I went to Dark Horse

I am alive so I went to Dark Horse

Awww yes Dark Horse Coffee Roasters, you are a dream. You are the reason why Scott and I can never leave this neighborhood. We are too attached to your presence and your exquisite coffee. Last night Scott and I stayed up late and counted up the change in our blue piggy bank. 10.29. What up. We can now go to Dark Horse together once this month. Yes I can do hard things.

Foam Blocks and Kind Words

One of my favorite memories of childhood was gymnastics after school with my second grade, best friend Kaila. Our moms would take turns picking us up after school and it would usually involve a stop for ice-cream and fries and then our gymnastics class. The gym was filled with that chalky smell and was covered with, at least for me, a child's personal dream of an obstacle course. It had rings, beams, bars and a trampoline. 

The other day I was talking to my sister on the phone and she was telling me about something she was feeling shame about it. My sister is very visual so when she starts to squint her eyes I know she is off frolicking in a vineyard or swimming with dolphins somewhere exotic. However via text or the phone it's much harder to tell. My sister explained to me that with each text I sent her she could see herself on a balance beam and falling off onto those foam blocks. I thought the picture was beautiful because it wasn't about her staying on the balance beam and performing perfectly. What was highlighted was the soft fall, a fall into squishy, foam blocks that break any hard fall. 

This made me think about our words and how important it is that our words are kind. Proverbs 16 tells us that "Kind words are like honey, sweet to the soul, and healthy for the body" It's crazy to think that our words can create a soft landing for people or a hard and disastrous landing for people. In life everyone seems to be walking on their own balance beam whether it be their career, family pressure, relationship conflict, or body image stressors. 

Everyone is trying to perform well and is stressing about it. When people "fall", whether that be a mistake, a loss, or a tragedy our words can either be soft foam blocks or they can be sharp jagged rocks. No one wants to fall on that! The pictures of crocodiles under a tight rope or a balance beam always come to mind because of all those silly cartoons I used to watch growing up or perhaps it was just Rescuers Down Under. Life is complicated and hard enough as it is, and if our words are only making the fall worse, how sad is that!

We have such a beautiful opportunity to bring life to others by our kind words. I am glad I was able to create a soft landing for my sister with my words. I'm grateful my words were kind and not shame inducing. However this is not always the case. Sometimes my words are not as kind. Sometimes people land on sharp, poky rocks after I've had my share of ‘word rage’. And more often than not, my words are not kind to myself. I am hard on myself. I am judging, comparing and falling into a shame cycle with my words. Instead of creating a soft landing for myself filled with self-care and love, I create a cold and harsh environment for myself where I feel isolated and scared. Instead of listening to God’s deep echos to my soul reminding me I am enough, I try to prove why I’m not. We probably could all afford to be more kind with our words to ourselves and others. Who doesn’t like playing with foam blocks anyway?

Turkey Day in July*

         In the past, July has been a tough month for me for a number of reasons. For one it’s summer in San Diego (and we are living in the midst of a drought). If you know anything about my internal thermometer you know I hate being hot and have an exaggerated reaction to feeling warm. I also dislike traffic. I don’t like that San Diego seems to be overrun by tourism in the month of July. I can’t seem to go to the beach or take the 5 north (SAY FAIR) ever without it being a huge production.

   These are the more superficial reasons for my aversion to July and the summer. Some are deeper. July reminds me of not having a job, of job searching, feeling financially terrified, it reminds me of physical pain, and lastly it reminds me of loss. Great loss. Two years ago I lost one of my very good friends. He died suddenly and it was more final than I knew or understood how to swallow at that time. I was entirely devastated in July two years ago and it did not just stay neatly packaged in the past of July 2012, the grief continued and continues with me.

   So last week when I found out my husband’s spunky aunt passed away suddenly I could feel fear grip me again. It was familiar and I didn't want it to be. Sunday was the funeral and looking into faces full of deeper lines and eyes that have turned to pools is no easy task.

   There at Dana Point, on a beautiful sunny day, a rollicking breeze, overlooking the shimmering bay, I felt vulnerability come to me gently. Two years ago the vulnerability I felt after such a loss was riveting, shocking, and paralyzing. It’s okay I’m afraid. I can name my fear. I can name my loss.

   This is why I’ve decided for the month of July to celebrate Thanksgiving. Instead of dreading what this month will bring, I want to anticipate what this month will give. I am planning to post via instagram daily what I am grateful for during the month of July. I am hoping you will consider doing the same, even if it’s writing it down in a journal or speaking it to a friend or loved one.

I hope its okay if I get a little nerdy now. Psychology Today posted an article that discusses this point. One study they did showed that people who showed more gratitude overall had higher levels of activity in the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus controls a bunch of bodily functions such as eating, drinking and sleeping. Gratitude actually works to re-wire the way the brain connects and can have help decrease depression and anxiety.  Research also showed that gratitude affects our dopamine. Dopamine functions as a neurotransmitter in our brain. Basically it is how we feel and experience “reward”.

   Obviously after great loss or grief it’s not a good idea to deny our feelings and bark about “how thankful we are this tragedy happened” That is NOT what I am talking about. Grief has to be grieved or we will remain stuck.  I am not even suggesting we state what that we are thankful for our losses. I am more suggesting we can yell with all the profanity we need to express how devastated we are about losing someone we love, AND still say, I'm grateful for chocolate.  I love how Brene Brown writes about it in her book; The Gifts Of Imperfection. She talks about what it means to cultivate gratitude and joy and let go of scarcity and fear of the dark. “We think not being grateful and not feeling joy will make it hurt less. We think it we beat vulnerability to the punch by imagining loss, we’ll suffer less. We’re wrong. There is one guarantee: If we’re not practicing gratitude and allowing ourselves to know joy, we are missing out on the two things that will actually sustain us during the inevitable hard times”

   I can’t tell you how many times I have “dress-rehearsed” tragedy. It seems I am more prone to it in the summers. It seems I am just dreading when “the next shoe will drop” Just when I feel that I might experience joy I am overwhelmed by vulnerability and come crashing into my own fear.

   Brene Brown’s “Get Deliberate” activity has been very useful for me to practice. When I am feeling suffocated by fear I try to call forward joy and gratitude. I first acknowledge my fear and then state what I am grateful for. For example Brene Brown writes, “I’m feeling vulnerable. That’s okay. I’m so grateful for ______” She writes that this practice has absolutely increased her capacity for joy.

So on July 1, 2014 I would like to declare what I am grateful for. Today I am grateful for creative and curious minds. I am grateful and honored to tutor Owen and teach him about the solar system through colorful Styrofoam balls he can hang on his ceiling. I am grateful for the way his mind learns and grows. I am grateful to experience the colorful planets through his eyes. #Julygratitude

*Maybe I will make a Turkey.

10 Stellar Books For Summer 2014 Reading

I have been on a reading frenzy since April. I go in spurts when it comes to reading. When I road trip, I read A LOT. When I first finished graduate school I read books I actually wanted to read. Now that I’m no longer a workaholic that sits at vegetation station for 2.5 hours each night after work, I have time for reading parties as I like to call them.

Even though, for most of us, summer no longer means extended time off, vacations, sun and endless reading and slumber parties (which in my case as a high schooler meant working any number of strange odd jobs) it’s still nice to at least think summer means more time for reading, more time for travel and more time for refreshing drinks. My husband, Scott recently graduated with his masters and I am excited for him to be able to finally read books as fun books and not just textbooks. We plan to have reading parties all summer long.

I read like it's my job** In fact, I wish I could find a job where I was paid to read….but that is beside the point. All the books I am going to recommend to you were recommended by my friends and other professionals so I figured I would do the same for you. Also I have read them J

        1. Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.  
      It took me awhile to read this book, so when I say I read it in May, I actually mean I finished it in May and started it last year. Brene Brown has done 12 years of research on the myth that vulnerability is weakness and  states that in actuality it is our most accurate measure of courage. Brene Brown is super intelligent and yet a down-to-earth kind of gal. She has a gigantic heart and an amazing ability to communicate on a subject as hard as shame and vulnerability and our need for connection. I use a lot of her theory and work professionally as a therapist with my high-school clients as well as in my personal life as I seek to be courageous in my relationships to others. I also HIGHLY recommend her book, The Gifts of Imperfection as well. I read this book over and over and if I’m feeling like I need a boost I just read one of her simple yet rich and full of depth guideposts to encourage me.

2. The Adventures of Robin Hood by Roger Lancelyn Green

I found this little gem in La Jolla at a used book store next to Pannikin Coffee and Tea on Girard Avenue. This book is a children’s classic and basically re-tells the adventures of Robin Hood. I figure after you read something as thought provoking at Daring Greatly you might want to pick this up (or read about Peter Pan) How can you go wrong reading about merry thieves, the enchanted Sherwood forest (I am biased) and realizing Maid Marian is much more of a badass than she is depicted in the Disney film.

    3.12 Months to Your Ideal Private Practice by Lynn Grodzki 
      If you are therapist aspiring to run your own private practice someday than this should definitely be on your summer list. It is a workbook and you actually only go through it month by month (otherwise you would be overwhelmed and most likely end up broke) The author is like an energetic life coach that leads you to explore your connections, your beliefs, your passion and how to run a business.

      4. Divergent by Veronica Roth.
      I feel like I don’t need to say a whole lot about this book since it’s very popular and you have probably already seen the movie. It’s fast paced, riveting, and intense. If you like it, you can read two more! I wouldn’t read too much into though (for example by becoming obsessed with what faction you belong to) It’s okay, you belong to Divergent, don’t worry about it. If you are worried then check out buzz feed. Pretty sure I got Abnegation simply because I like the color gray and I’m in the helping field. After that I got factionless. By my 67^th time I finally got Dauntless which would have been cool except I really just wanted to be Divergent.

   5. Praying in Color by Sybil MacBeth.
      I bought this book to spice up my spiritual life. I am a very visual and kinesthetic learner so this book has been great for me. Sybil MacBeth challenges us to use color to pray, to draw out prayers and to basically doodle as we pray. I am a very disciplined person but this has been a double-edged sword for my spiritual life. I can sit for hours doing quiet spiritual things such as praying and reading the Bible but it doesn’t mean I enjoy it or don’t become very bored after awhile. For me, art and color is a new way for me to connect with God. You don’t even have to be an artist to benefit from this book. The author is a math teacher! I have a journal now with lots of people’s names in it decorated with lots and lots of sharpie markers.  

   6. Girl at the End of the World by Elizabeth Esther. 
      I follow Elizabeth’s Esther’s zesty blog so it was only natural I would buy her book when it came out this year. It’s basically her memoir of growing up in a fundamentalist cult and how she escaped. It’s riveting, hilarious and relatable. Elizabeth is brave, vulnerable and extremely plucky. Elizabeth creates a beautiful image of raw faith despite everything she experienced. Trigger Warning: This book does share graphic stories of physical and emotional abuse so if you know you’re not in a good place mentally for this book, just wait. It will be here later J

    7.   Bossypants by Tina Fey. 
      After reading something so intense and penetrating I needed something light and funny. However didn’t expect to be quite as inspired as I was. Tina Fey has done for comedy (Saturday Night Live, 30 Rock, or my personal favorite: Baby Mama) I tried really hard to keep it together in public coffee shops as I read through her memoir of childhood, the ridiculous cultural standards of beauty, (for example, “Now every girl is expected to have… the hips of a nine-year-old boy…”) dead-end jobs, and her break into the comedy sector, as well as the breast feeding versus formula debate. Not only is Tina Fey hysterical, she is someone who respects herself as a woman. She is a wife, mother and professional and she does each one with class.

       8. Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey. 
      The title alone on this book made me want to read it!  Sarah writes about the gender debate and discusses how she wants to put aside all the arguing to have an actual conversation. She writes about how following Jesus made a feminist out her. Sarah writes about how God’s isn’t “a helpmeet in the watered-down milquetoast way we’ve taught or understood…He’s a strong helper, a warrior…women were created and called out as warriors”.  Definitely worth the read!

      9. Thoughts to Make Your Heart Sing by Sally Lloyd Jones. 
      This book Scott and I read together before bed. Our adult friends read it too. Yes it is a kids devotional and yes we love it. It has 101 simple, profound thoughts on faith. The illustrations are amazing and innovative. This book remind  me how much Jesus loves us.

      10. *Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? by Mindy Kaling. 
      If you like the show, The Mindy Project or The Office, or if you like to laugh at all, then consider this book. This book is a hilarious and witty memoir about Mindy’s life. She writes from a range of topics from best friend’s rights and responsibilities to why men put on their shoes so slowly to revenge fantasies while jogging, to her favorite moments in comedy. This book made me want to go back to film school and start writing more scripts for comedy. (Note: I only wrote one feature film script and it was cheesy and lacked continuity but I am proud of it nonetheless)

*Indicates my favorite

** If you want to read like it's your job too, consider reading any books by Brene Brown, Shauna Niequist. Also consider reading Sue Monk Kidd books such as The Secret Life of Bees and When The Heart Waits. I just got her new book The Invention of Wings. Other summer reading recs would include Love Does by Bob Goff, Surrender to Love by David Benner, Steal Like An Artist by Austin Kleon, Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery or anything by Jane Austen because she is rad.