Writing In The Making For 2018

This year after I completed 52 books in 52 weeks I contemplated what my next goal should be. Should it be 100 books? Should it be 52 acts of kindness? Maybe 52 self-care practices? You all had so many ideas! My list lover in me wants to create a whole slew of New Years resolutions and goals but I’ve found over the years that to have one or two main focuses is better and more sustainable.

This past year I experienced what I would call as writers block. It’s ironic because I started out 2017 with a memoir writing class but after that it was like I couldn’t find words to string into sentences. I couldn’t find phrases that meant anything or themes that followed any kind of path. I would think about writing in the car on the way to work or before I fell asleep. But I couldn’t put all my thoughts rolling around in my head onto paper.

So for this year I thought I would make a goal for myself of writing 25 blogs posts or essays. They don’t all have to published online. Some can just sit safely saved in my documents. I like the number 25 because it gets me into the habit of writing almost every other week for a whole year. If I have an “off” week or am out of town or super busy with work I don’t need to feel the pressure to bust out a writing piece.

Last night I did a hot yoga flow class at my local neighborhood studio. Yes, I said hot! It is finally cold enough to actually enjoy hot yoga. Yesterday it rained all day and it was so cozy and warm in the studio (and then less cozy and more sweaty). I then took a meditation class after with my friend. I’m finding that I can meditate or slow down a little bit better after some kind of movement. All the ruminative thoughts and over-analyzing seem to slow after a yoga flow class so I can focus on being more mindful.

Anyway the class discussed new years resolutions and we all visualized our goals and then created practical steps to make them happen. Pretty simple stuff really. I think it’s the actually following through thing that makes it hard.

Here are my writing goals for the year:

• Write 25 blogs posts/essays by December 31, 2018
• Must be at least 500 words (about a typed page worth)
• Can be hand-written or typed on any subject
• Can be published or unpublished

The hardest thing for me about this goal is letting my writing just be. I want it to be perfect before the practice. And writing is all about practice. I think that’s what stunted my writing growth last year. I started my own business in private practice and feeling more “out there” in the public eye had me feeling very self-conscious. Suddenly things like my reputation and other’s perceptions of me became very large and looming. Every time I sat down to write only a few words would squeak out. If I finally managed to write a paragraph I would edit it over and over, adding here and there, subtracting from this and that and then eventually never finish it or post it online. I leaned on lots of list making last year in my journal (which is one of my favorite things) and I think the structure of that gave me some security in my writing.

You all were so encouraging and kind this past year asking about my book challenge and cheering me on! I certainly didn’t post enough (any) book reviews but I’m happy to see I at least finished a blog post about it! After reading so many books last year and letting them all marinate within me for some time I am hopeful that I have some writing just waiting for me in this new year.

I’m curious to know what your goals, hopes or intentions are for the New Year? What are you holding on to and what are you letting go? And if you don’t have any that’s okay too! Sometimes our very life has enough opportunities for movement and mindfulness that we don’t need yet another resolution. My prayer is that each of us can gently ease our way into 2018. Moving in slowly and watching the year unfold is totally okay too.

If You Can't Waltz Into the New Year

This picture sums up how I feel about a new year. And it is not what you think. Please. Don’t even imagine that it’s about me conquering some wall or mountain with any kind of grace or skill.

What you don’t know about this picture is the feeling I have in my stomach. The butterflies flutter around my insides and my heart jumps in my throat. I am afraid to keep going. I’m scared to get to the top. And the worst part is I don’t even know what to grab onto next. There are so many colors and shapes to choose from and no clear easy way up. I don’t even know where to place my hand or put my energy next.

And it’s isolating up here. I know there are others climbing and struggling. But I can’t see them and I can’t feel them. Scary things do that. They make us think we are the only ones.

I know others have slumped into the New Year after they have crawled out of Christmas. The new years resolutions and goals and vision making is all very beautiful and inspiring if you are in a good place. If you are in a bad place, well then you and I both know how it feels.

Just reaching forward is overwhelming. One cannot try to come up with a list of new habits and goals when one is only hoping to hold on.

And can we talk about how puny and tiny some of those rocks look? Please. It can’t hold on to me. It certainly can’t hold my entire body weight.

Scott and I have had some hard knocks this fall. We’ve gotten some bad news in a variety of forms. A phone call. A conversation. An email.

You see when I get bad news I freeze. And usually my face shows this. I call it the emotional tundra of the soul. It’s what therapists call a “flat affect”. It’s not a positive thing. But it’s my thing and I’m used to it. It’s how I appear calm under crisis.  But inside as the news makes it’s way from my brain to my heart and burrows into my being, then I begin to feel it because once you start to feel you can’t think your way out of it.

Bad news is always delayed with me. I often feel numb. Or just flat. I hear it and then days and weeks later I feel it. Soon I feel it is so strongly I fear I am going under. It hits me like lead and lodges itself into all the corners and cracks within me. And I wonder to myself how does one jump into the New Year expectant and hope filled with glitter and gold and confetti and noise makers when you fear what looms ahead.

Sometimes life does feel like a very scary climb with lots of choices and bad news and so much uncertainty (and stupid puny rocks to hold onto). I would like to title these rocks, “pray more” or “think positive thoughts” or “God is with you” and truth be told, sometimes I want to kick these well-meaning but quite dudly little rocks to the curb.

But sometimes I need these little rocks and sometimes all I have left is to pray. And sometimes I’m surprised because it does hold my weight and sometimes that seemingly silly little pebble gets me to reach forward again and grasp what is in front of me.

Basically what I want you to know is this: if you aren’t waltzing into the New Year and you are actually limping, crawling, slumping, or just dragging yourself into 2018 then YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I’m sorry life is being a giant shit sandwich for you right now. I know it’s overwhelming and that the “whelm” threatens to flood you. I want you to know it’s okay to be where you are at. Anyone who needs it to be all sparkles and rainbows and confetti for you is just uncomfortable with pain. It’s not your fault they haven't built up those muscles yet. 

I say, forget that noise.

Instead focus on the next rock or pebble or piece of gravel in front of you and hold on. It might be reaching out to a friend, it might be calling your therapist, snuggling your dog, trying out a new recipe, a walk on the beach, practicing a meditation, maybe it is a prayer. I know it will literally feel like you are holding on to a feather and you will feel your heart pound and your hands will sweat. It will feel like it isn’t helping AT ALL. But don’t stop.

 Listen; there’s another side to this climb and this New Year. I promise there isn’t only bad looming ahead of you. There is some good waiting too. (there could be confetti: don’t hate it too much). There is some joy and laughter and lightness and glee too.

But if you are skeptical of some good in the New Year, that’s okay too and I don’t blame you. In many ways we're all still reeling from what 2017 flung at us. 

Still there’s always the chance of being surprised by good news, taken off guard by hope, and marveling at the good still in this world.

Wobbly legs, shaky arms and a sensitive soul has never stopped us before.

And if you get sick of climbing, you can always fall because there are actually very squishy soft mats beneath you. (call it God, or the Universe or more accurately the Grotto Climbing Gym).