Thursday, March 24, 2016

On Marriage and the Conversations We Have

Most of my ideas are recycled. I wish I could tell you I have SO many original thoughts but if that were the case I would be a famous theorist. Most of the best things I learn are recycled, kind of like my clothes….

Anyway I’ve been listening to The Liturgist podcast on my commute to work and today I listened to one on marriage and specifically about the book Rob and Kristen Bell wrote together, Zimzum Of Love.

It got me thinking about marriage and the adventure of it all. It made me think about the space between us and how that space is always changing, growing, evolving and moving.

Rob and Kristen write, “People aren’t static, they’re dynamic-endlessly complex and capable of surprise and change”.

No matter what you believe about the author’s theology or stance on faith, I’m sure most of us can agree this is true.

Yesterday Scott and I celebrated our three year anniversary. Threeeee years. That's a total of six years of knowing him. For me, this feels miraculous considering it's my longest romantic relationship and only marriage. I never knew I could feel so safe in love. And even though it's complex and deep and moving and growing, it's continued to feel safe. 

The space between Scott and I have changed a thousand, a million times and that is okay, that is normal, that is good. That is part of the adventure of being in a relationship with a human created in the image of God.

“When you get married, you’re starting a conversation that never ends”.* 

Scott and I’s communication is unending because even when we don’t communicate we are communicating something. It’s called Metacommunication which is basically all the nonverbal cues we have including our tone, body language and gestures that carry meaning.

Whether we verbally process or internally process we are talking. Always talking to each other. 

Scott and I’s conversations have been up and down and everything in-between these past three years.

They've been something like this:

Yay! We’re getting married!

Wait I’m terrified to be married.

Yay! Marriage!

Wait I’m scared.


Okay I don’t know how to be a good married person or what does that even mean?

I love marriage and it is SO FUN!!!

Why are we so stressed?

Date nights are awesome!

Why are we talking about finances again?

I feel warm and cozy with you

Why are fighting about this again?

I found a coin!

Wait why is there mold in our apartment?

We can’t buy 5 plane tickets to see all our family members this year.

You’re my best friend!!!!!

Are we supposed to have a pet?

Or kids?

Or own a house?

Wait are we behind?

I’m so in love!!!!

I’m so in love I’m terrified of losing you.

You really make me think about the hard stuff

We love Amazon Prime

We make the best team

I’m so hungry, why do we spend an hour deciding where we should eat

Hey just pull the covers back if I steal them in the night.

We need coffee

I don’t like doing dishes

Let’s find a marriage book

I hate marriage books. I want to throw them all in the trash

You really do snore

Do we have more than one signature issue?

But really it’s your turnnnnnn

We are so weird. If anyone knew we were this weird…

Can you do that dance move like that again?

Yes, but with that face.

Hey I really reallllllyyyyyy like you

I want to do life with you forever. I choose you every day. Over and over again. You’re it.

Well there you have it. A sneak peek into our un-ending conversation. I’m really REALLY grateful to be on this adventure with Scott.  It’s the most mysterious, fun, amazing and vulnerable journey. It makes me crazy happy and crazy scared.

The space in-between us is so sacred and so special. Relationships are really stunning (romantic or not).What happens in-between, in those quiet moments or those agonizing moments or those I can’t believe I found you moments, is always creating movement between us. I find him in my corner and he finds me having his back. I find myself thinking about what will show him the most love and he finds himself thinking what I would want the most. He shows me respect and support in my purpose and I challenge him to pursue his dreams. I find myself surprised at the level of emotional safety and continually challenged by the same conflicts all at the same time.  I find myself continually curious about his tender places and he finds himself sacrificing what he wants for what I want. And we seem to find we often want the same things.

I like our conversation. I like our adventure. Our space is a good space. And I am so grateful.

Happy Three Years!

*Rob and Kristen Bell in Zimzum Love.


  1. Thanks for posting this babe! It is really special! I love you so much!

  2. The Laneys love Amazon Prime too!!! :)

    1. It IS seriously the best right?! Just give me Amazon gift cards and I'll be alright. :)

  3. I love this so much!! So beautiful! I love the conversations- so real life! Happy 3 years!!!! yay!!!

    1. Thank you so much !!! oxoxoxo #welovemarriage #shameless

  4. Hi Heather x LOVE this post it's fabulous! I'm still smiling as I type this :) I can honestly say, with hand on heart, that the only decision I've never had second thoughts about or regretted (nor will I ever regret it) was marrying Hubby. He's a part of me. He makes my heart smile :) He makes a (sometimes awful) world joyful. The best advice I was ever given was by my Dad. On our wedding day, when everyone else had left to go to Church and we were alone, waiting for the car to arrive to take us there, he told me that I should keep my friends, girls need their friends he told me but from that day onwards he said, make sure he's your best pal. He said if we were best pals we could face anything life threw at us and we'd beat it because we'd have each other. I didn't have the heart, bless him, to tell him Hubby was already my best pal :) We've passed our thirtieth anniversary honey, so we're a wee bit further down the road but he's still my best pal. He still makes my heart smile, and he still makes it skip with those stunning blue eyes of his :) Life hasn't always been easy but we've always had each other and my dear Dad was so right. I'm sending you both mountains of love and hugs and I promise you'll blink twice and you'll be wondering where those thirty years went too :)Huggles always dear wee friend and Happy, Happy Anniversary dear one xxx

    1. Rosie! I love that SO much. Thank you so much for your comment. 30 years is so amazing!!! I can tell by your writing that you really are best pals and that it is very genuine and authentic. Scotty is my best friend and I am so grateful for that. You give me hope that 27 years from now we'll still be as happy as you two are together!

    2. Hi honey x there is no glue in the world as strong as the glue that seals a couple together when your "other half" really is your other half :) Through all of life's ups and downs you've already won the battle because you're facing it with someone who loves you more than the air they breathe, and of course, so is he. So you link arms, hold hands and yell at life "is that all you got?" :) Time does pass so fast though honey, it really does. I can remember sitting on my darling Mum & Dad in law's sofa chatting to my dear Mum in law a year (almost exactly) after we were married, it was their 25th, their silver anniversary and I asked her how can you possibly have been married for 25 years? I mean that's a life time (I was 21 at the time, so to me I suppose it was :) and she smiled at me, such a huge, beautiful smile, and said "sweetheart, it passes in a heartbeat if you're with the right one" and it so does! You'll see, angel, 27 years from now you'll be smiling and saying "wow! 30 years! Where did the time go? Now I wonder what the next 30 years will bring us" :) Sending you so many hugs dear one xxx