Saturday, August 28, 2010

I feel a little cold.

That seems to be rare for a summer day in San Diego. I am even having chicken noodle soup. Amazingly both the kids I nanny are sleeping also a rare thing.

That leaves me to my own internal monologue. In fact I have been left with my own internal narrative for days now -I am really getting tired of it. That is what happens when you roomates leave for the weekend, you come home to an empty house after nannying all day, and then writing papers after that. Summer school is finally coming to an end and with it comes my final papers. My head stuck in books, articles and re-writing, re-working, re-editing papers. The next morning I feel like a truck has run me over and I don't know why. The cries of the baby I nanny for seem to be on repeat some days like a broken record.

Maybe I just feel cold inside.

While the word "alone" used to never be so threatening, today it is. What is it about being alone that is so undesirable? I have had my times where I want my space. I cherish alone times. I enjoy the calmness and quiet. Other days it's like I want to live the college dream every day and have a social party every night. It's not realistic.

Most people don't want to do life alone though. I get that. Even the introverts.

As an extrovert I have weird tendencies such as actually isolating myself on purpose. My roomate Janice says she has never known anyone to have such big "space boundary" issues.

But once again, today I don't want space. I'm sure next week I will want my quiet space back, and then suddenly despise all over again.

A funny movie by yourself is not as hilarious by yourself. And a glass of wine doesn't taste as good without some conversation. The crayons don't taste as good without someone there to taste them with you...(wait a second, I mean color...why is Ruby eating crayons...Ruby looks at me blankly with her adorable little face) Um..right.

Anyway the point being. Today is lonely day. Lonely day is also normal day. And it will pass. So will the random shivers. For now I shall color with Ruby and find happiness in eating the tasty things in life :-)

1 comment:

  1. Oh chica! Well, at least it is a lonely day and not a lonely empty life. I have many lonely days while Andy is at work, but my life is not lonely or empty. I miss our cozy days!