I saw my tears in His eyes

So today at Starbucks I asked for an iced coffee. Some dude took mine and left me his. I didn't complain, he had a latte with 4 espresso shots. Not something I usually would get or want. Hence why I am up at 2am pondering the meaning of life.
I had all this motivation to clean my room and organize the daylights out of everything in my life. Then I watched a movie with Janice, "The Secret Life of Bees". based off the book by Sue Monk Kidd.

As my caffeine intake slowed my heart was able to listen.

The little girl goes through all this trauma, running from her family, abusive dad, dealing with the south and civil rights, wondering why her mom left, why her friend had to die, wrestling with God. Towards the end of the movie, even though things were much better for her and life had taken on a glow she said she still would wake up in the night with tears and the pain would come back. It was then she would get up and connect with forgiveness.

I think she was wracked with guilt for the things she had done. I also think she had to forgive the people in her life as well. Either way she would get up in the middle of the night and "touch God's heart" in a sense.

Cause that is God's heart.

I thought about the nights I wake up restless. The nights I am still awake due to coffee. The times I need to just look Jesus in the eye and FEEL the forgiveness. Sometimes I want to experience heaven now so I can fully understand what it means to feel no pain, no hurt. What is it like to have never wounded anyone's heart? What does it feel like to not carry my own wounds?

But when I look at the cross I realize Jesus already brought heaven to earth. I see that I can connect with the Rescuer any time of day or night. No matter how awful, how ugly, how painful, God can turn ashes to beauty. (Isaiah 61)

The fire may be over, the trauma, the initial sting of the pain, but now you have ashes. They are so lifeless. So formless. So black.

Well get ready, cause that is when God shows off His most artistic skills, He will transform those ashes into something so beautiful, so intoxicating, you won't even recognize where it came from. Ashes. And it doesn't really even matter because you are no longer who you used to be. You have touched His heart. You have felt his scars on his hands. And the forgiveness in His eyes is stronger than your greatest pain, your reckless guilt, your bleeding soul, you know because you saw the tears in his eyes.