A Charming Tale: My Latest Pet Peeve

All they talk about is their baby!*

They used to be able to hang out.

My friends are getting married and having babies and I'm here living my dream on the beach. I win! 

She/He seems exhausted all the time.

She/He  used to be so passionate about her career.

I’m so sick of hearing about baby stuff!

While all my friends are getting married and having babies and shit, I'm over here like: I'M IN SCHOOL BITCHES!

Everyone's over here like hey I'm having babies and I'm like hey who wants to get drunk and travel the world?

And my least favorite of all: “All my friends are having babies and I’m just trying to figure out where to travel next!” *

So I might get in a little bit of hot water over here but I want to deconstruct these phrases or even this way of thinking. These memes I find all over social media and the internet are the opposite of kind.  I can’t tell you how many people have said to me, “All they talk about is their baby. UGH!!!” They think I will empathize due to the fact that I DO NOT HAVE KIDS however I have felt myself cringing every time. I feel confused about why they are complaining about their friend’s newest member of the family. 

And here’s the thing, a woman who has just had a baby is a total bad ass. Let’s break it down. She has literally had a human life push it’s way out of her vaginal canal. Or had a little baby air-lifted magically via the C section. Either way she has gone through A LOT.  Why are we mad about this?  A woman has just given LIFE. Her entire body and brain has never gone through anything this dramatic and miraculous. EVER.

I recently had someone verbally gag when I said I was going to a baby shower and she said, “UGH, I mean are you into that kind of thing?”

Um…you mean procreation? You mean populating the earth?

I didn’t know what to say.

I can’t handle how straight up rude it is for people to disrespect women who are pregnant with babies or just had a baby and now want them to go right back to talking about their careers and passions and how they will lose the baby weight. I want to literally pull my hair out.

How would we feel if a baby squirted poop on us all day and was stuck to our nipple all day? How would our ears feel after hearing screaming all day? And then to have our friend come over and think it’s not glamorous enough for his/her taste. It makes me crazzzzyyyy. Her focus isn't on her latest hobbies or her most fun passions right now because she’s keeping a baby alive for crying out loud.

We need to give her some support. Tell her she’s a bad ass and remind her that we are not a shallow duck of a friend. And for that matter, let's give new fathers some support. When I told Scott about the memes he was offended for new mothers and fathers alike! 

It can't be easy for someone to watch the person they are madly in love with go through the kind of pain labor can bring on. It can't be easy to hear the woman you believe to be stunning, harshly critique all the changes her body is going through. If fathers-to-be want to talk about their partner's birth plan I think this should be okay. 

And as it's becoming increasingly more normal for men to stay at home with their babies as their partners pursue their career I think we should applaud this rather than resent the fact that these fathers are exhausted and talk about their babies all day long. From my work experience,  I've encountered lots of stay at home dads or dads who have full custody. They are so passionate about their kids from everything to their first words, their first steps, what they fed them and what kinds of toys they like and their education. Of course they aren't going to be able to grab a beer on a random week night when they have spent all day with their new baby and have to start all over again the next morning bright and early.  

Why would we act like we are so much better and cooler cause what…we can travel and we don’t have a baby screaming in our ears and gripping our boob?! 

So maybe breast feeding versus baby formula, cloth diapers versus disposable diapers aren’t your favorite subjects! But guess what? Is the DMV, paying student loans and doing dishes your favorite subject? No! But it's part of life. This is a new parent's world now and they are responsible for the tiny life they hold. (A little more significant than keeping our cars alive and dishes clean I might add)

If our friend went through cancer or a job loss or bought a brand new house or went on a big trip, would we be rude and say "I'm sick of hearing about your interviews, job applications, chemotherapy, or culturally diverse food!" It’s so inconsiderate. And yet we do it. I hear it all the time. 

Why is it okay to talk poorly of new mothers or fathers?! This is the season the mother or father is in and why can’t we embrace this season and hold them through it. It can be extremely hard and isolating as well as rewarding and exciting. But it certainly should not be met with patronizing statements.

 Why are we dissecting every new mother's move and every choice like she’s a celebrity in People Magazine. We discuss whether or not she went back to work. Whether she breast fed or not.  We discuss her weight and how amazing it was that she “lost the baby fat”. All the while she did something far more miraculous, inspiring and life changing than do a “before and after” shot. Let’s all remember she had to gain weight to BIRTH LIFE. 

And just a side note: those who have the resources and means to travel are lucky and are rare. Just because we ARE NOT having kids doesn’t mean we necessarily get to travel. Most don’t come from such a state of privilege in which recreational and personal travel is the norm. So while not intentional, we are hurting recent mothers/fathers AND those who cannot afford to travel for fun. The population I work with can only dream of that kind of luxury. It doesn’t mean they are any less independent, strong or free than us, it just means they don’t have the income for that plane ticket. And let's be real; mothers and fathers travel too because their babies can fly for free so it's quite extreme to declare that one gets to travel INSTEAD of having babies. Some do both. Some do neither. Let's be kind to all. 

In conclusion, let’s cut these new mothers some slack and stop saying, “All they talk about is their kids or babies!”

God forbid they would talk about the human life they brought forth. Am I right?!

It’s not okay to downplay something as special and meaningful as having kids. They are sacrificing a lot of themselves to have them and I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of. 

Many of our moms did this for us. My mom did it for me! And guess what...she also went on to travel, write a book, get her Masters degree, her PhD and be a professor. But I can assure you she wasn't telling new moms to stop talking about their babies or bragging about her next travel adventure and calling people bitches. Good grief, she's much too classy for that.

I think if anything we can celebrate them and communicate our needs and wants with them (because after all, friendship is a two way street). If our friend who just had a baby goes MIA for an entire year, we have some space to say something! And if we are truly going through a grieving process about not having children, or finding someone we want to grow a family with, rather than saying "I win! I'm at the beach!" maybe talk to a safe friend, check in with a therapist, ask God to help you face the loss rather than make everyone else feel bad about having children. And if you happen to be someone who has decided not to have children, that is okay too! But that doesn't give us a right to judge those who are having children. 

And just for the record, all my friends ARE having babies and I be like YAY!!! And also, want to see 500 pictures of my new puppy?!

*I would like to note that being a mother or father is not the only identity one may have. One can be a parent as well as a creator, artist, writer, doctor, educator, sister, brother, daughter, son, friend and etc. I am not advocating that a female or male's significant role is only motherhood/fatherhood. We are all shot through with the divine and are image bearers of God. 
** Also how is "my friends are having babies" and now "I'm traveling" connected? It doesn't make sense. People with babies travel. People without babies travel. It's like two phrases that don't belong together. It'd be like if I said, " People be brushing their teeth... I'm gonna buy a goat" Or "People be farmers....I'm gonna go be a doctor" Or "People be in school...I just be farting" Or "People loving that beach life....I be like gonna go grab a coffee" Or "Going to the gym.... I be like I just bought a puppy!!!" Or "People be itching their butts....I be like I slept for 10 hours!"  Or make me stop pleaseeeee....

Last Minute Therapy Intervention When You Are Running Low On Creativity

It's nearing the end of the school year you guys! Kids are taking tests, going on field trips and planning their summers. As a school-site based therapist I am doing more paperwork, closing out files and filling out end of the year forms. With all of this, sometimes it's tricky to think of something creative and fun to do with our clients as we head into summer.

So I decided to create a calm collages! What are they exactly? Basically they are a collage of pictures a that inspire feelings of calmness and relaxation for your client.

You will need:

A pair of scissors
A glue stick
Magazines
Paper

What I do is go through the magazines beforehand and cut out images that I think might be calming or relaxing. I do this so that in session we don't spend the whole time just flipping through a magazine discussing celebrities or agonizing about what actually makes us feel calm.

I also do this because I would rather "screen" (especially working with elementary aged kids) what kind of content they see. I don't want them to have to feel inferior as they flip through endless pages of massive homes and perfectly clean and decorated rooms (how I love you HGTV) or pictures of celebrities before and after shots of weight loss. Ugh. #notcalming

After you've cut out a whole piles of magazine clippings you can just have them ready in case you want to use this intervention at a moment's notice or feel that it would benefit your client if they are feeling especially stressed out, anxious or angry. It's also a great thing to give them before they head into the summer. They can hang it up in their room and look at it when they are feeling big feelings. It's a very fun way for them to access their coping skills rather than just writing down a list in pencil.

You can introduce the intervention anyway you want. Sometimes having them close their eyes and practice deep breathing is a good way to start brainstorming about coping skills that help calm. Or you can jump right in! Depending on how large your paper is, have them pick 5-10 images that inspire the feeling of calm. You can play music or just talk while they choose images and then paste them to their paper. After this is done, I have them discuss why they chose their images. And that's it!

I made one as well for example and because yes I need a calm collage too. With my upcoming exam quickly approaching I too need to be reminded of what relaxes and calms me. My collage includes:

Painting
Washi Tape
A Bubble Bath
Writing
Books

If I was to add one more thing, it would be my puppy Lenny when he is sleepy. He is quite wild when he is not tired so that can be more activating than relaxing. My mornings with sleepy fuzzy Lenny when he is just waking up are some of my favorite!

What things help you feel calm? What are your go-to therapy interventions?

Puppy Love

We have a puppy!!!

Amidst working two jobs and studying for my MFT licensure exam I have felt swallowed up in the hustle and bustle of it all. I have felt like I am underground and my hope is that I'll come up for air come June after I've taken the exam. 

But I simply have to tell you about our newest family member and share some pictures. While raising a puppy is quite a bit of work I can't think of something more comforting, cozy and calming then coming home to our little Lenny after a long day.

We received Leonard about 2 months ago from a local animal shelter. Apparently little Lenny was a stray wondering around either in Mexico or Imperial County before he was picked up. Their best guess was that he was about 4 months old. And his breed is a total wild card but he is supposedly a mix between a shepherd, pug and beagle. 

I am SO grateful we are able to rescue the little guy and give him a forever home. We are madly in love (almost embarrassingly so). He has brought us so much happiness and laughter. I can't imagine being without a dog now. Here are a few pictures!

10 Things Everyone Needs To Know Before They Became A Marriage and Family Therapist*

This past year I have been interviewed a number of times on my MFT profession for various academic projects students are working on. I decided that it might be nice if I put together a condensed version of all my interviews so that if anyone is thinking about becoming or pursuing this career option, they can check out my list of 10 things to know or questions to ask before they enter the field!

I've been thinking about my career a lot as I am on the last couple legs of this "marathon". I have finished all 3,000 experiential hours and am currently studying for my first licensure exam. I am nervous and excited and am so beyond grateful for the friends and family I have who have supported me through this entire process. 

1. It’s a long process. Here is a timeline: 

• Bachelors Degree (4 years).
• Masters Degree (3-4 years depending on school requirements). 
• Practicum (1-2 years depending on practicum site and how many experiential hours your school requires). 
• Internship (3-6 years depending on how many experience hours your agency can offer. In the state of California you need 3,000 hours). 
• Once hours are completed, you submit a thick application for licensure. Once approved, you can register for exams and begin studying. 
• There are two licensing exams (the exam process can take up to 1 year from what I’ve been told). 
• Waiting on results from exam can take anywhere between a couple weeks to a couple months. But once you receive notice of passing and receive licensure number you’ll an official LMFT. Hooray! 

2. It is costly. 

You are in school for many years so student loans are just a part of the deal. In addition to the cost of school, many internships are unpaid and usually the ones that are paid, don't pay well. Typically, this means little to no pay from the time you start school until the time you are licensed. The price you end up paying isn't just in the cost of the degree, but also in the loss of potential income you could have made in another career.

3. Are you a one-kind of career person? 

Being a Marriage and Family Therapist (especially in states where standards are really high) is a career for life. It’s not a hobby or a part-time gig or something to do if you get bored of your other career. It’s not a back-up plan. It is the plan. 

4. It takes passion. 

Like many careers, you need a heavy dose of passion and drive to pursue this as a career. For this specific field you need to have a passion for people and their stories. You need to have a passion for helping those who are in pain. 

5. Have others described you as empathetic? 

You’ll need some empathy. Of course there is the academic side to becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist but what about the practical side? Does empathy come natural for you? Empathy is a very large part of what therapists practice for their clients. The ability to access your own story and where you have felt similar feelings in life (such as deep loneliness, fierce anger or paralyzing anxiety) keeps us sharp and in tune with our clients own feelings. 

6. You'll want to be a naturally curious person. 

You’ll want to be a naturally curious person. Be inquisitive. Ask the hard questions. While we are not detectives, I often feel like one as a therapist as I seek to connect dots and find missing puzzle pieces while conceptualizing a case. Curiosity is so essential because it also causes us to be resourceful and creative. This keeps the wonder in the therapy room realizing that every client who walks in the door has something special or unique about them. No story or voice is just typical. Curiosity is about having a desire to learn or know something and in this case, you want to know your client. 

7. You gotta stay classy. 

What I mean is that you absolutely cannot go around sharing your client's story** and that includes their family of origin, their ethnicity, their presenting problem, their psychosocial history, their trauma, or specifics about their culture. I'm largely an external processor at heart so trust me when I say this hasn't been easy for me. I come to some of my greatest conclusions by talking through things, but just because you are an external processor does not mean you need to be a public processor. You know how if you go on a missions trip to ____, there are lots of pictures taken proving that you essentially did all this work and helped this group out? With therapy you don’t get to put your clients up as a profile picture.  Every day therapists advocate for social justice for their clients but due to confidentiality as well as ethical and legal guidelines, nothing can be shared especially on social media. Cases are best discussed in supervision or during consultations with fellow therapists. It can be very harmful to our clients to exploit their stories even when we have the best of intentions. In other words, dial back the do-gooder bragging and stay classy.  

8. You’re going to need a lot of courage.

You're going to have to face yourself. All the parts of yourself that you would just rather avoid or forget about have to be faced. This is no easy task. Depending on what you have gone through or experienced you’re going to need to do some deep soul work. If you don’t know yourself, it will be very hard to know your clients. If you haven’t faced your own trauma, addressing your client’s trauma will be very tricky and robotic at best. If you are courageous enough to face your most fragile and vulnerable self you will have a lot more to offer your clients. I can honestly say that all the work I have done on myself has made me a better therapist because I know what it's like to sit with my pain. 

9. How do you feel about paperwork?

There’s a lot more paperwork involved than you would think. When I started graduate school and envisioned being a therapist, it involved me talking with people about their pain, their stories and how they wanted to change. I didn't think that even after school I would still be doing SO much paperwork. It's a profession that demands a lot of organization regarding the records and files that you keep on clients. 

10. Are you comfortable with those that are different from you? 

You’ll need to be at ease talking with a wide range of people. Clients come from diverse racial, ethnic, socioeconomic and cultural backgrounds. They may not be like you at all. You’ll want to have good interpersonal skills so you can create a safe environment so those you work with can trust you.

*In the state of California specifically, other states have different requirements. 
**There are books that do discuss the profession of therapy where authors will discuss previous clients or cases. From what I understand,  this only happens when consent is given, the names are changed and the therapy has been terminated.

Why It's Okay To Love What You Love

Sometimes I get a little “buzzy” as I like to call it. I don’t mean the buzz from a glass of wine or even the buzz from a cup of coffee. I mean the brain buzz. And generally my buzzy buzzard self emerges when I’m feeling vulnerable, a little on edge and well…holding my breath. 

Scott left this past week for his grandfather’s memorial service in Colorado. Since I had never met his grandfather, I stayed back with Lenny our puppy. The first night I awoke around 1:30 am from horrible nightmares so the second night alone I had to do something before bed to calm myself. (other than the obvious: have Lenny sleep in the bed with me). 

I decided to read the next chapter in the book I’m currently reading right now called Brazen by Leeana Tankersley. I spoke briefly about it in my last blog  but it’s all about finding our true selves, living without shame, reclaiming our voice and living from a place of worthiness and becoming. She talked about how she has this desire to be creative and expressive but often is feels frivolous. This feeling stunts the creative process and rather than exploration emerging, one can end up feeling paralyzed. 

What stood out most to me was her list towards the end of the chapter of things she loves, “the frivolous things." This list was a privilege to read as it can be almost embarrassing to admit what we like. It feels silly or immature or superficial. Reading her list opened up this little crack of light inside of me, encouraging me to explore what it might be shining on. 

So that night before bed, with a police search helicopter above my apartment, all my doors locked and dead bolted and locked again, and with little Lenny curled up in a fuzzy ball next to me, I began my own list. The list of what I love. I wrote it in my journal and laid it by my nightstand and slept soundly. 

I woke up the next morning and felt a little silly because that worked. My nerves were calmed because I spent some time thinking about what I loved before I drifted off to sleep. It was such a free and un-filtered list. 

You know how lists can be rather rigid? Like if it’s a list about your hobbies, you need to have a couple of exercise hobbies or people will think you’re lazy and if you have a cooking list, you need some healthy choices or people will wonder about your nutrition, and if you have a list about favorite books, for heaven’s sake include some intellectual research based books! 

But this list was mine. I felt no pressure to include a fictitious love of dumb bells or Shakespeare or apples. Still I was a little weirded out that I kept coming back to the list the next few days, adding things here and there and smiling to myself when I thought of my frivolous list. 

My list became a place of exhale and I couldn’t even understand why. 

Why on earth would thoughts of fancy coffee, and pink nail polish, Washi tape and cucumber water help me sleep?! After all the definition of frivolous is not very dignified. It means silly, trifling, empty, worthless, of little weight or importance…” 

Leeana writes: “It’s our worst fear to be unworthy of serious attention. Until one day we realize how exhausting it is to strive so relentlessly. We hear God’s whisper: ‘Leeana, what if you stopped trying to be so worthy? What if you stopped focusing on your relevance? What if you stopped trying to secure your own meaningfulness?”

This really struck me as it feels like my entire decade of my 20’s was spent in some ways hustling to be taken seriously, to do something meaningful, to be worthy of serious attention. The 20’s can be a tumultuous decade in so many ways, graduating college, entering a career, figuring out relationships, wondering who is behind and who is ahead. I went straight from my bachelors into graduate school and I longed to be taken seriously. I wanted to be seen as academic but felt like my snide and humorous remarks were the best I had to offer. As a women, I felt like I was seen as just a "dumb blonde" who was fun but not intellectual. It felt like I couldn’t be frivolous and deep. I couldn’t do something meaningful and then do something entirely ridiculous. 

Of course this kind of black and white thinking would make anyone a little on edge and anxious having to perform so much. 

Leeana talks about “getting lost in the garden” God has given us. That we can “go to the studio of our soul” to create, explore, play, and be silly. This is a garden where I am loved as I am and don’t have to produce or create for an outcome. This garden of colors and resources and beauty that is mine to play with. 

In this garden you can, “Run toward what you love with unapologetic abandon." 

I’m an oldest child so being taken seriously comes with the territory. I was responsible, conscientious and deep. But I was also creative but didn’t realize it. I was also witty but didn’t know that either. Growing up my family was thrifty and amazing at saving so going out to eat was novel and renting a movie and having popcorn was like the celebration of the century (okay I exaggerate but you underestimate my love of popcorn). 

Naturally I grew up to be a very good saver but unfortunately had a nasty guilt complex every time I bought something I didn’t necessarily need, but just wanted. But here’s the thing I can be both a good saver and also buy something I like, something frivolous. I can be both witty and watch silly sitcoms and be a deep thinker. I can be creative and still love browsing Target for things that are already created. Enjoying things doesn’t make me a superficial person. It makes me a human who is alive with a vibrant heart beat. 

 We get to love what we love you guys. We don’t have to justify or downplay our stunning souls. Our souls are deep and wide. It has plenty of room for ALL the good stuff. The deep serious stuff and the frivolous fun stuff.

Maybe there's something you love but have inwardly rejected because it feels too meaningless and trivial. Maybe you can relate to wanting to be taken seriously and so have pretended part of your soul isn't there. But what's the worst that could happen if you risked making this list? Maybe you'll even sleep better. 

So here is my list of the frivolous things that I actually and unashamedly very much enjoy. You know I want to know what's on yours!

Heather's Frivolous List:

Pillows

Essie nail polish

Gilmore Girls

Fancy wrapping paper

A novel with a cheesy happy ending

The smell of lavender

Sharpie fine point pens

Mud masks

Dusk in the summer

Fancy matches

Words

Buying more than one bottle of wine at a time

Soft blankets

Hair ties and headbands*

Humor

Cucumber Water

Washi tape

The smell of new clothes

Scott’s homemade macaroni and cheese 

Cold brew lattes

Pedicures 

* It’s the weirdest thing but buying hair stuff induces a weird sense of guilt in me like I should wrap my hair in braids with the yarn lying around my house (there is no yarn) Yesterday I bought headbands and all I could think was “this is so naughty, I am so bad, I am buying a pack of headbands for 5.99 to keep my bangs out of my face…how could you?!! How dare you?! Hence my need to write this blog.  

My Dirty Little Secret

 I’m currently reading a fabulous book all about coming out of hiding. It’s about shame and freedom and what keeps our nose to the ground and what helps us breathe deeper. The book is Brazen by Leeana Tankersley and it came out this week! Go and order it right now! I’ll be here when you get back!

There are so many ways we come out of hiding and so many others ways to stay quiet and small and invisible. But today I want to let you in on my personal dirty little secret:

I like being married.

There I said it.

Some people think marriage is going to be all unicorns and rainbows and then once they are married are scared to admit that's it hard. And then there are others who thought marriage was going to be all hard, all transition, all change and are now scared to admit they actually like being married. 

Isn’t it weird how certain things are just scary to admit?  I feel sheepish and nervous admitting that I like my marriage with Scott in the kind of way that one might be embarassed to admit that they…

…really like the color pink.

…don’t like going out.

…like their sweatpants.

…like shopping at Walmart.

…like the satisfaction of digging out ingrown hairs.

…sometimes eat McDonalds (and like it).

…love reading non-intellectual books.

…actually like being single.

…like box macaroni and cheese.

…like to stay in on New Years Eve.

…like the smell of gasoline.

We are so embarrassed to talk about what we like. We act as if enjoying our marriage is as shameful as the joy we get from picking out ingrown hairs on our face. Whether we are single or married, it feels like there is a certain unspoken pressure that we are to dislike these states. 

It’s easy to talk about what we hate right? We live in a culture that feeds off of negativity and toxic energy. Honestly most of the time it feels more natural to complain. More acceptable, even more likeable.

I am no stranger to this. After I married Scott, I started to notice this non-verbal rule everyone seemed to follow. Remember when you talked incessantly about your crush or when you had your first date or re-told your engagement story a thousand times? Well subtly that kind of talk decreases and the criticizing and spouse bashing increases. I began to wonder if the person you are supposed to love the most is also the person you will end up complaining about the most. And the worst part is I began to wonder if this was actually socially acceptable. Even desirable? I wondered if people no longer wanted to hear my mushy gushy details anymore or how in love I was. I began to ask myself, “Do they just want the dirt on my marriage? Do I just want the dirt on theirs? “*

But why?! Why do we CHOOSE someone and fall in love and then suddenly decide we have to talk about them like they are the punch line to a funny joke or a little side character in our story? Oh that little dud? Yeah I married them.

I have wondered if I need to be more into spouse bashing. I’ve got to be honest. There have been times where I have caught myself trying to think of something Scott did that annoyed me just to feel like I fit in. Is it true that once you are married everyone is so over the happily- ever-after nonsense that they just want to hear what’s wrong with your spouse?

Will the people who actually like being married please stand up? Please speak up and stand up! We neeeeeeeeeddddd you. Well actually I need you. I need to know it’s okay to like my marriage.

And I don’t mean the fake “everything is perfect, I swoon daily and have sex hourly”  types. There are those, the ones with the vacant looks in their eyes with the tight smile, who feel like they have to keep pretending because vulnerablity is terrifying. I want to hear from people who LIKE their relationships even those they have experienced hard.  They are the gutsy people who are brave enough to love vulnerably within their marriage.

It takes courage to live out of a place of abundance and not out of a place of scarcity. Sometimes celebrating and loving what you have is terrifying because it means you are really exposed and really vulnerable. Sometimes being happy in your marriage is a dirty little secret that you feel like has to stay hidden.

There are a number of reasons we do this of course:

We don’t want to make single people feel sad.

We don’t want people who have horrible marriages to feel sad.

We want to be sensitive so we act like we think our marriage is lame.

And so you know what we ultimately do? We push mute on our stories, our actual lives with our real spouses. We tone it down. We make it dull, rather than colorful and bright because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. We insist this is the polite and respectful thing to do. We sacrifice our spouse’s feelings at the expense of a cheap joke because the story is a crowd pleasing one.

But is it?

Are we really doing the world a favor by hiding?  

I think part of living life abundantly is by celebrating big and grieving big. We can’t numb our feelings, even the good ones if we truly want to live a wholehearted life.

Let’s not make spousal bashing the norm or even popular. When we bash we are being critical and that says more about us than the person we are criticizing. It says, don’t get too close to me; look how I talk about the person I am closest to. All too often we hot wire connection through having a common enemy (aka the spouses). This isn’t real intimacy or a real way to gain trust. This may make us feel close to someone but is far too superficial to build a lasting relationship on.

And let’s not hide anymore. Instead let’s own our stories and work to embrace others, even our dirty little secrets.

Hello my name is Heather and I like being married.

I also like eating whole cans of black olives in one sitting.

*SIDE NOTE: I am not talking about sharing your soul and your deep wounds and desires to your safe people and friends. This kind of relational processing is necessary and healthy. I do not believe this is considered "spouse bashing" I believe close friends will know about the HARD stuff in marriage as well as the good stuff. They will encourage, sustain and challenge you. They will tell you when to stay in and when to get out. Also they know when you are faking it. 

On Marriage and the Conversations We Have

Most of my ideas are recycled. I wish I could tell you I have SO many original thoughts but if that were the case I would be a famous theorist. Most of the best things I learn are recycled, kind of like my clothes….

Anyway I’ve been listening to The Liturgist podcast on my commute to work and today I listened to one on marriage and specifically about the book Rob and Kristen Bell wrote together, Zimzum Of Love.

It got me thinking about marriage and the adventure of it all. It made me think about the space between us and how that space is always changing, growing, evolving and moving.

Rob and Kristen write, “People aren’t static, they’re dynamic-endlessly complex and capable of surprise and change”.

No matter what you believe about the author’s theology or stance on faith, I’m sure most of us can agree this is true.

Yesterday Scott and I celebrated our three year anniversary. Threeeee years. That's a total of six years of knowing him. For me, this feels miraculous considering it's my longest romantic relationship and only marriage. I never knew I could feel so safe in love. And even though it's complex and deep and moving and growing, it's continued to feel safe. 

The space between Scott and I have changed a thousand, a million times and that is okay, that is normal, that is good. That is part of the adventure of being in a relationship with a human created in the image of God.

“When you get married, you’re starting a conversation that never ends”.* 

Scott and I’s communication is unending because even when we don’t communicate we are communicating something. It’s called Metacommunication which is basically all the nonverbal cues we have including our tone, body language and gestures that carry meaning.

Whether we verbally process or internally process we are talking. Always talking to each other. 

Scott and I’s conversations have been up and down and everything in-between these past three years.

They've been something like this:

Yay! We’re getting married!

Wait I’m terrified to be married.

Yay! Marriage!

Wait I’m scared.

ITALY!!!!

Okay I don’t know how to be a good married person or what does that even mean?

I love marriage and it is SO FUN!!!

Why are we so stressed?

Date nights are awesome!

Why are we talking about finances again?

I feel warm and cozy with you

Why are fighting about this again?

I found a coin!

Wait why is there mold in our apartment?

We can’t buy 5 plane tickets to see all our family members this year.

You’re my best friend!!!!!

Are we supposed to have a pet?

Or kids?

Or own a house?

Wait are we behind?

I’m so in love!!!!

I’m so in love I’m terrified of losing you.

You really make me think about the hard stuff

We love Amazon Prime

We make the best team

I’m so hungry, why do we spend an hour deciding where we should eat

Hey just pull the covers back if I steal them in the night.

We need coffee

I don’t like doing dishes

Let’s find a marriage book

I hate marriage books. I want to throw them all in the trash

You really do snore

Do we have more than one signature issue?

But really it’s your turnnnnnn

We are so weird. If anyone knew we were this weird…

Can you do that dance move like that again?

Yes, but with that face.

Hey I really reallllllyyyyyy like you

I want to do life with you forever. I choose you every day. Over and over again. You’re it.

Well there you have it. A sneak peek into our un-ending conversation. I’m really REALLY grateful to be on this adventure with Scott.  It’s the most mysterious, fun, amazing and vulnerable journey. It makes me crazy happy and crazy scared.

The space in-between us is so sacred and so special. Relationships are really stunning (romantic or not).What happens in-between, in those quiet moments or those agonizing moments or those I can’t believe I found you moments, is always creating movement between us. I find him in my corner and he finds me having his back. I find myself thinking about what will show him the most love and he finds himself thinking what I would want the most. He shows me respect and support in my purpose and I challenge him to pursue his dreams. I find myself surprised at the level of emotional safety and continually challenged by the same conflicts all at the same time.  I find myself continually curious about his tender places and he finds himself sacrificing what he wants for what I want. And we seem to find we often want the same things.

I like our conversation. I like our adventure. Our space is a good space. And I am so grateful.

Happy Three Years!

*Rob and Kristen Bell in Zimzum Love.