A few days* of goodness really does
something for the soul. Even a few moments of quiet beauty does wonders. I know
it’s said that for every negative comment, you need 5 positive comments to
cancel it out. However I feel that for every stunning moment, I am given the
courage to face the next week with eyes wide open.
For labor day weekend I traveled to Big
Bear for the first time for a girls trip while Scott was away for a Bachelor
party. I’ve been dreaming of this trip for some time now. My heart has longed
for nature living in an urban neighborhood in San Diego. My soul has missed
water living in the drought here and chlorine pools and salt water don’t just
do the trick sometimes. I was raised on fresh water. Growing up, I learned how to
canoe, water ski, tube and fish on fresh water lakes.
We
stayed in a community called Sugar Loaf on top of the mountains. I could feel
the altitude changing as my breathing became more thin. Trees on trees on trees
as we slowly climbed. Our little log cabin we rented was from Air B&B. It
was as quaint and cozy as they come. It was even smaller than Scott and I’s one
bedroom apartment I think and that is saying something. The girls and I took
shifts making dinner in the kitchen because it was so small only one person
could comfortably stand inside it. There was a fireplace and a loft. These are
my favorite things. First things first, I climbed up the log ladder onto the
loft and overlooked our cozy cabin with dancing eyes and breathed in my
surroundings.
There
is something about mountain air. It just smells so fresh. The trees smells of
oak and leaves and must. The whole world smells like earth and somehow I feel
like my soul belongs here. In nature I feel closer to God. I know that it’s not
like God suddenly shows up as if he doesn’t hang out in the urban areas, I just
feel it more. I can sense something divine and heavenly up high in the
mountains where I am swallowed up in blue.
Up
here I felt released from my financial concerns as if making dinner every day
and making my own coffee was how things were supposed to be. Cabin life made me
feel like I lacked nothing. I didn’t wear make-up and I didn’t feel a need to
shop for clothes. I felt safe in my own skin. I was with my safest friends and
in an environment I have always felt serene and safe in. Growing up in the
country, I seemed to find what most people deem as dangerous as friendly:
specifically wildlife. I feel that bears and coyotes just want to be my friend.
Thunderstorms are just there to remind me that everything is being made new.
Jumping off and driving boats and climbing on rocks and jumping off of them are
just part of nature life. I am not very realistic when it comes to fears as I’m
sure most of you understand. For example, I am still deathly afraid of
kidnappers. I am also afraid I will leave my journal in a public place…mainly
like church. I don’t think they would appreciate my profanity.
The
girls and I settled into an easy rhythm of sleeping, eating, laking and rom
coming (chick flicking) In the mornings I had my coffee outside watching the
trees sway to the breeze and hearing the pinecones fall with a thud every few
minutes. We rented a boat and had a picnic on some rocks overlooking the lake.
The
moments where there is no need or desire to numb with shopping, drinking or
restricting food. There is no need to numb by hiding how I really was. I don’t
have to pretend with these mountains and with these friends.
These moments
change me.
I can’t believe there is a place where I don’t need my vices to fix
my anxiety.
I don’t need to mute my joy.
It can just be.
I think this place
might be inside all of us. It’s the image of God that tells us you.are.okay. I know life is hard but you
don’t have to shield yourself from it, you can experience life. You don’t have
to numb yourself from feeling it.
It’s like I was naked and raw all weekend
and it was beautiful. My sensitive brain and body accepted all of me. When I
jumped off the boat and felt the shockingly mind numbing cold, I felt it. When
I realized it was a 4 feet jump and I didn’t have the strength to do one more
push up to get back on the boat, I felt small panic seeping in. When I drove
the boat like a boss I felt sheer joy. When I inhaled the fresh air I felt
relief. When I looked at my friends in our pajamas and fuzzy heads after a day
of sun and lake I felt understand. I could laugh and cry, no pretenses
necessary.
These
are the moments that give us courage to face whatever is next. For me, it’s
financial struggle. It’s the excruciating wait of that next pay check. This weekend
took the edge off. My problems are not necessarily fixed. I was just given
permission to let them be and to be scared. When I gave myself this permission
I realized I could handle it. I can face myself and
be okay with it. God in me is brave. And me abiding in Him is strong.
* Written September 1, 2014
