A Party For The Needy

Speaking my needs is hauntingly terrifying.

Let me explain.

Somewhere along the road of my life I concluded that needs were these nasty little irritants that got in the way of me being an independent, strong and self-sufficient woman.

I abhor the word "needy". I once had a (ex) boyfriend who said "girls are just needy, that's just how they are" I bristled softly beneath this extreme stereotypical statement. I calmly challenged his line of thinking with as much grace I could tolerate. But what I really wanted to do was punch him in the face. 

I thought if I shared my needs I would be punished.

I’m not exactly talking about my need for coffee or my need to wash my car. I’m talking about deep emotional needs. (although let’s be honest, my need for coffee is about there but I have no issue asking for it)

I’m talking about ‘hey it’s 2am and I am terrified and I need to be held’ Or ‘I need to eat’ because I’m getting all shaky and spinny. Or ‘I honestly can’t afford this and I really think I need it’ Or ‘I can’t do this alone today, can you come?’  SOoooooooo SCarrrrrrryyyyyyyy

I hold my breath as I ask for my needs to be met. I expect shame to be an answer. I expect to be punished for having needs. My toxic thoughts have erupted into You’re a grown ass woman, keep it together, figure this out by yourself…

Thankfully I  am reminded of a parable Jesus told about a man who had great NEED. He spent all his money recklessly, lived a wild life, and suddenly found himself in such a rut he couldn’t pull himself out. There was no “pull yerself up by the boot straps” going on. There was only one last ray of hope and that was to get some help. Speak needs. The prodigal son stumbled his way home to his Father’s house.

How surprising it must have been for him to not even be able to get his needs off his chest when his father rushes toward him in an embrace! 

You have needs! Awesome! So glad you came! We will throw a party in honor of your needs and roast a fattened calf.

No punishment at all. The opposite. A party. A celebration.

How curious.

And yet in my own life every time I speak my needs, it’s like a freaking party rolls in. It’s like the red carpet rolls out. Expecting thorns of judgment, I get roses of acceptance. And the other crazy party is that when I share my needs others do it too! They start sharing their story about when they were in deep need and how those needs were met.

All this need stuff has given me courage to listen to what my body and heart need. I've learned to listen instead of telling myself to suck it up. I have started using a tender voice with me, "Yes, you need to breathe, okay let's do that. You feel too tired to push through? Okay, let's take a break"

What would it look like for us to reward our minds and bodies and hearts for having needs? What if the next time you have a need, you are gentle with you? Maybe we can take the stance of Jesus a little more often. Maybe we can run towards each other when we are in desperate need. Maybe we can throw parties instead of shame fests for those who speak their needs. I'll bring the balloons, you bring the confetti alright?

Debunking the Marital Myths**

In honor of Valentine's Day I thought I would share a blog I wrote for a guest post at A Selfless Love this past fall. I figured today would be a good day to share some myths regarding love and marriage.

I recently watched a new movie called “They Came Together”. I wanted to see it because Amy Poehler stars in it and I think she is the best (think Parks and Recreation, Baby Mamma) The whole movie is a parody of every rom com out there. (think When Harry Met Sally, You’ve Got Mail, Wedding Crashers) It mocks every chic flic that makes you think love happens because of “fate”, that when you have sex you naturally break all your vases and knock over all your books, and that New York City is the third party in your relationship. It was really funny. However I kept waiting for it to get real. But it never did. It continued on it’s parody the whole way through. I mean who doesn’t want a happily ever after, fairy tale type ending? I don’t want my entire relationship to be a cliché, alarmingly-happy, fake slap-stick-humor-type situation nor do I want it to be sad, realistic and dry. I think I want it to be exactly what it is which is beautiful and chaotic and ridiculous and surprising and life changing.

I have been married for just 18 months now. I am certainly no expert but I will share the myths we have encountered. I am so happy I took the risk to begin the adventure of marriage even with the misconceptions!

1.   We Will Be Rich
This is a myth my husband and I both bought into. I think we thought having two incomes would make us so much richer. WRONG. I didn’t stop to think about two phone bills or perhaps that both our cars should have insurance. I didn’t realize that he would want to blow all our money on food and I would want to blow it all on clothes.

2.   Being One Means Being The Same
Just because we are one does not mean we are the same. We still have different likes and dislikes. We are still individuals who are hopefully working towards being differentiated. It is okay that we experience God differently, that we clean differently and that we communicate differently.

3.   Where I Am Weak My Spouse Is Strong
My husband and I mistakenly had the notion that whatever chore we didn’t like doing, the other would probably love. For example, I hate taking out the trash and doing dishes. Scott loathes doing his laundry. Guess what we discovered according to our research findings? We both don’t like any of these chores. It’s okay. We don’t have to like them.

4.   We Will Memorize The Kama Sutra
We didn’t.

5.   All Decisions Are Easy
We had no idea that we would take an hour trying to pick out which movie to watch or that it would take us longer to decide on what to eat than the time spent actually eating.

6.   Every Night Is Date Night
This isn’t true. Just because we got married does not mean we retired from life as we know it. We still go to work and we still hang out with our friends and have obligations and commitments. We have learned we have to be intentional about pursing each other and it’s important to us to put a date night down on the calendar. I assume once we have kids we will have to become way more strategic!

7.   You Stop Caring
My husband and I care about each other more every day. I don’t know how this is possible but I’m so happy it is. With every passing day we become more securely attached to one another.

8.   My Spouse Knows All My Needs And Wants Because He Is An Undercover Psychic.
Neat thought. Not accurate.

9.   You Stop Falling In Love
False.

My husband and I continue to fall in love with each other moment by moment, day by day, week by week and month by month. We love each other so much and I assume will continue to fall more madly in love with each other for the rest of our lives. This does not mean we don’t work at our marriage. It does not mean we just “let it happen” and hope for a mystical feeling to carry us away on a magical carpet ride into happily ever after. Every day we work at creating happily ever after. Our happily ever after doesn’t just appear in an out-of-control way. Rather we invest in it, we help it grow, and we are intentional with the way we nurture this stunning gift.

What about you? Did you have any misconceptions about how marriage would be before you said your vows?

** the above myths are taken from personal experience as well as from my clinical studies in Marriage and Family Therapy. This does not cover all the myths nor am I suggesting this was the reader’s experience verbatim

Moving Towards Abundance

The New Year rushed in with a crash. A literal bang, crash and squash. I dropped my iPhone on concrete for the 182875983987 time but this time it went entirely black. This led to a whole slew of chaotic events, dog sitting, poop on my shoes, working a shift without a phone, forgetting my work keys, forgetting to clock out etc… When I have no phone it’s literally like I lose a part of my brain. Scott got sick with some of respiratory cold in the meantime. I continued playing along with the New Year saga with great commitment. I locked myself out of the house. I got a flat tire. I got reprimanded by my boss at work. I spilled my salad (aka flung) it across our staff meeting one day. Just as Scott recovered from the respiratory cold he contracted the flu. I went to work only to find myself sprinting off to the bathroom and texting hysterically to find a cover counselor.

Enter Scott and I with the flu. We found our rhythem for sure. It involved saltine crackers, netflik marathons and a Target run to the pharmacy. On the fun days we managed to eat Chiptole. On the super fun days we got to go to Urgent Care. I was even graced with the presence of an IV to give me fluids for dehydration. Scott and I realized we were beginning to lose it when we discovered the most exciting things that had happened to us in the past few days were that Zoe was rescued (West Wing) and that Rory told Dean she loves him (Glimore Girls) and lastly that we had entered to win an HGTV dream home. We began to obsess about this to the point that we literally believed we would win and would soon be swept off to Martha’s Vineyard.

When I get sick I don’t slow down. I am uneasy, on edge and anxious. If my body slows down my brain will certainly not. I feel frantic. I hate being sick. I feel crazy like I am losing my shit (figuratively and literally) I know I’m truly sick when I avoid coffee. And I know Scott is truly sick when he avoids playing games. These are our favorite things.

But what better time to cling to my word for the 2015 year.

ABUNDANCE.

I fell across the word abundance in an organic and fateful (and yes I dare to say spiritual way) I felt as if God was giving me this word for the year much like I have been given hope, rescue and tenderness the past few years.

Janice (or affectionately called Nina) was my roommate for almost 6 years of my college and graduate life in Minnnesota and in San Diego. While she is no longer my roommate she is one of my besties. Her parents came out for Christmas from freezing Minnesota and I was able to spend some time with them. Her mom is a Mumsy and she is just like a warm blanket. She is so gentle and kind and squishy (in that you can squish her and she likes it). She began to talk to me about the losses in life, the Hard with a capital H, and the darkness we all encounter in life. She talked about her essential oils and one oil in particular that gave her comfort.

ABUNDANCE

She said she would put the oil on her and inhale it’s scent of orange, frankincense, myrrh, and cinnamon. She would pray for abundance for all her kids. She would pray abundance over her and husband. I found this especially resilient as this Mumsy is the same one who lost her son just a couple years ago (my friend Derek) and my Nina’s brother. I found it touching and tender. I found it to be what my heart needed to hear.

From that story you can probably guess I’m not talking about abundance in the prosperity gospel sense. (How I WISH I believed in the prosperity gospel) I am talking about an abundance inside and certainly I will pray for it on the outside as well.

After I had talked to Mumsy I found in my journal a couple verses I had written out earlier in the month.

“We went through fire and water but You brought us to a place of abundance” Psalm 66:12

“You gave abundant showers, O God, You refreshed the weary inheritance, Your people settled in it, and from Your bounty, O God, You provided for the poor” Psalm 67:9-10

“ So Jesus said to them, ‘Children, you don’t have any fish do you?’ They replied, ‘No’. He told them, ‘Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some’. So they threw the net, and were not able to pull it in because of the large number of fish” John 21:6

ABUNDANCE

A very large quantity of something

Overflowing fullness

An extremely plentiful quantity

An over sufficient supply

Affluence

Wealth

I tried to look up an antonym for abundance and only one word came up.

SCARCITY

Whew. Scarcity. That scary word that fuels so much of my dread anxiety of loss and never enoughness and performance and comparison and trying to catch up.

When I inhale scarcity I lose oxygen for my joy.

We are so afraid of not having enough. Of not being enough. We believe we will run out of enoughness and abundance. We think there is simply not enough to go around.

When one of my favorite authors started talking about just this principle on Instagram the other day; I knew this was and HAD to be my word for the year.

“There is always more on its way- more opportunities, more ideas, more love. Think abundance-always think abundance. Belief in abundance is the source of all generosity and peace. Know that there is enough. Know that you are enough. Know that you have enough.” –Glennon Melton

Despite 2015 started off quite rocky I am praying abundance over it. I am soaking up abundance in the way I know how. I am chasing abundance and letting it chase me.

I would love to know how your New Year’s has started off and what words have you been pondering? What are you leaving behind in 2014 and what are you moving toward in 2015?

  

My Many Shields*

*Originally written for 30DNM campaign and website. 

I might be an extrovert according to the tests but truth be told, I process the deeper and harder things on an internal level. Sometimes it takes me awhile to come to conclusions. Sometimes I just need to let things marinate within me. 

If nothing else, nature reminds me that beautiful things take time. The way flowers grow, how seasons change, the birthing process. Forming “pretty” isn’t easy and is often much more counter cultural than we'd assume. 

I was really excited for #30daysnomakeup to be over. I was a little sad too. I had come to really look forward to seeing posts and encouragement on their Instagram and blog. I found other people with similar views and passions for empowering women. However I was ready for the holiday, for wearing make-up, for dressing up and embracing all the glitz and glitter. 

As December 15th approached, I made a plan for my day. I would take a long hot shower; I would use oils; take time on my eyebrows and hair. I would PUT ON make-up. And I wouldn't skimp on anything. There would be eyeliner and red lips. After it was all said and done I worked to take a picture of my "new and improved" face. Truth be told, I was strikingly underwhelmed. 

I was so underwhelmed it was actually depressing and embarrassing. Why couldn't I just snap a picture of my face!? I had worked so hard to make it look good! I kept staring at my face and feeling weird about it. I had assumed that I would feel 10x more beautiful finally being able to wear make-up but I didn't. 

I believed my experience was dissimilar to other people's experiences. Maybe that wasn’t true, but I envied those who I assumed felt beautiful without make-up and beautiful with make-up on. They looked so happy in their skin. I realized I was still trying to feel safe in my skin. Make-up wasn't nearly the shield I had hoped it would be for me. All this time it made me feel safe. It was my barrier from the harsh and critical world. But on December 15th, that barrier didn't seem to stick the way I wanted it to. My face was still there, buried under all that make-up. All that time, all that thought, all that precision. Me. 

My vulnerability was still looking right back at me. 

It's hard to face the world unarmed. It's especially hard to face myself unarmed. There are always shields available to us wherever we go. As a child, make-up wasn't my shield but being good and perfect was. As I became older, staying thin and running became my shield. Smiling when I was angry was my shield. Saying yes instead of no was my shield. People-pleasing was my shield. I let go of these shields when I found something that was actually more powerful than my shields, things like courage, kindness, vulnerability and breathing. 

The thing about shields, though, is that they are heavy and exhausting. After awhile they just don't serve me the way I need them to. The more I access my courage muscle and practice shame resilience the less I need them. 

I'm not saying I never wear make-up now. I'm not even saying that going make-up free is the better, cooler, less toxic, more hip (or however you fill that blank) thing to do. What I am saying is that participating in #30daysnomakeup freed me a little bit more. It empowered me. It made me less afraid of me.  It allowed me to drop one of my shields for a little awhile. I need my make-up less now and I wear it less.  And that feels really, really good. 

Tiny Fey Comes Out To Play

Day 26 with #30daysnomakeup!

Well here I am drawing near to the end of my #30DNM journey. What once started out driven by curiosity and enjoyment of social experiments has turned into much more. 

A "small" thing like make-up has led to a much bigger thing. A curiosity has led to a powerful conversation with so many. What is this really about I keep asking myself. 

Like my foundation, mascara, and lipstick falling from my face this month, the curtains have been pulled back on our culture and there are some things I straight up don't like.

I work at a residential treatment center for those struggling with eating disorders as a counselor as some of you may know. We have a documentary group and one day we watched one called America The Beautiful.  It covers a number of issues surrounding the extreme pressures of body image discussing things such as child models, plastic surgery, airbrushed advertising and dangerous cosmetics. 

Naturally, the cosmetic portion of the film really grabbed my attention. It had examples of women who were discriminated against for not wearing make-up and news reports of women who were actually FIRED from their jobs for not wearing make-up. This particular article shares a story about a woman who was pushed out of her job in sales for not wearing make-up. According to some research, "more than two thirds of employers admit they would be less likely to employ a female job applicant if she did not wear make-up to the job interview"

Ugh! This makes me sick. Talk about sexism! The message is clear for women. Your natural face does not make the cut. You are not beautiful as you are. You need to cover it up to accepted. You are not enough. 

It's no wonder I feel pressure to wear make-up. This isn't just some internal pressure of perfectionism I project on myself (which I most certainly do) but is ALSO entirely culturally conditioned. I feel angry thinking about these unrelenting standards society has put on women and young girls that has caused so many to fall into dangerous dieting, eating disorders, relentless and compulsive spending on the latest fashion, restricting of the nutrition their bodies crave. Not to mention the so-called "normal" things women should embody such as being hairless, having big eyes and perfect nail beds. Don't get me started…or Tiny Fey will come out to play….

Okay she's coming.

“Now every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.” (Bossypants)

Alright so you get my drift. Tina is being hilarious but she's also SERIOUS. This is the expectation. 

Then you throw in the latest research on carcinogen city, toxicity and allergies on cosmetics and I almost feel like there is some undercover operation going on who is trying to take women out. 

ANYWAY…my point is not that make-up is bad. I think #30daysnomakeup has been a spring board for a really important discussion I've needed to have with my heart for a long time. How does it make me feel that I (along with my culture) have given me a message that the face  I was born with is not good enough for the world? It's not good enough unless I do this and this and this and this?! And isn't that the exact opposite of grace and acceptance and inclusion?

Obviously I can't change our culture today. But I can start with me. 

I can start by having a tender dialogue with my heart about my face. 

I want to be on my face's side. I am not the enemy of my face. I don't want to be hostile to it. I want to be gentle and open and kind and brave. 

And I haven't done this all alone this past month. I have been amazed by the support and encouragement I have been given by family, friends and acquaintances and fellow bloggers and those involved in the #30DNM campaign. 

You guys have encouraged me SO MUCH!!! Every time I feel insecure or sheepish about my face I always seem to run into someone who tells me they admire me for what I'm doing or someone sends me a note via social media. Gosh, you guys are seriously the best! I have been totally humbled by your kind reactions to what I am doing. Rather than judge me, you all have affirmed me! It's made me challenge my belief system that people would rather I cover my face. I can listen to the media or I can listen to a flesh and blood person who tells me I AM ENOUGH. I feel like that's the better option. 

Only 4 days left! Carry on #braveones! 

An Open Letter to the World

Well I've been listening to Christmas you guys, and I want you to know what I've been hearing.

Last night I went to our church's annual Christmas concert, affectionately called The Christmas Collective. They combined music, performance art, storytelling and altruistic shopping from global non-profits to help the City of San Diego experience Christmas in a whole new way. It's your favorite carols re-imagined.

My whole life I've heard Christmas carols every year for 29 years. I like them in the sense that they remind me of Christmas, the smell of pine, and the feeling of glossy wrapping paper on my presents, but to say they have really impacted me would be a bit of a stretch. Well last night, way back there in the far corners of the San Diego Convention Center in downtown, I just wept listening to those oh so familiar songs.

Christmas is our anthem of hope and we raise this flag high. Often, though,  I find myself believing I am alone in a scary, hostile world. How many times do I put pressure on myself to save and be all that the world needs?

I wanted to write my church a letter but then I wanted to write some non-profits a letter and then I wanted to write some campaigns a love note and then I wanted to write my friends and husband and suddenly I realized I want to write the WHOLE WORLD A LETTER. So here it goes. Because you guys ROCK.

Dear World,

Wow World.

Wow.

You stunned me last night. Thousands of people hearing the good news. The actual news, that is actually good.

World, you fight for what is true, good and right. I feel recovery in my sight as I look around and the army of love is brave and true.

It's not just me trying to help adolescents recover from trauma. It's naive of me (nay ignorant) of me to believe I am the only one educating those around me on the bondage of eating disorders. I am not the only who encourages other to love their face and their body for how it was created. I am not the only who stands up for the voiceless, and the oppressed. I am not alone in my devastation over what the pornography industry has done to our society. I am not alone in my fight to rescue those enslaved by the sex trade.

Last night, world, you showed me that I don't sing christmas songs alone either. I sing them along with thousands and not just in San Diego, but thrown across the space of our world. I sing them with humans who continue to reach out to San Diego, to people in need of a rescue. A world that desperately needs to know it's soul's worth.

All of you, #potentia, #centerfordiscovery, #fightthenewdrug #31bits #christmascollective  #onehope #floodchurch #momastery  #darling #30daysnomakeup  #vom #isanctuary #truckersagainsttrafficking #hollywoodprayernetwork #chisomoidea #ouranthemishope and so many I have not discovered are making this world more beautiful. And then there is YOU. Wow you. You are bringing it. People are bringing it. Heaven is here and I didn't even know it.

It's being made by you and me. The soul is finding it's worth this Christmas.

People are creating a holy night and a freaking HOLY DIVINE DAY.

We are loving each other and we are saying:

yes to inclusion;

and no to exclusion;

no to despair;

and a roaring loud yes to hope;

yes to enoughness;

no to scarcity;

yes to real;

no to counterfeit;

yes to equality;

no inequality;

yes to respect;

no to exploitation;

YES TO CHRISTMAS. You bring us hope.

Good grief world, you are bringing it. I am proud of you. When I think the world is too full of pain and tragedy and sickness and violence, I will call bull shit on this mantra. There is still enough GOOD in this world to go around. Always, always enough.

I say my prayers each night to One who makes our nets heavy with fullness and our glasses full with bubbling goodness. Enough fish. Enough wine. Enough of everything. The same One who came to see the stars from our side of forever, and showed us just how bright they could be.

And so we sing a hallelujah of this sacred and holy night.

That is our life.

Thank you world oxox

Love, your little human - Heather

Listening to Christmas

Every year the holiday seasons rushes in with the speed of a cheetah and the intensity of a hungry lion. It is almost impossible to figure out how to slow the clock down. Black Friday sales just make me crazy as I feel insurmountable pressure to buy this now or it will NEVER be this price again and you will NEVER have this. THE END. 

I have done little small things to make the season go by more slowly. In October Scott and I figured out a budget for Christmas gifts. We decided to make homemade gifts for the vast majority of friends and family. I bought a couple extra things as well and then on November 28th (Miracles of miracles) my Christmas shopping was done. Check.

We also decided not to get a tree since we won't be here for Christmas but will be spending it with my family in Oklahoma. One less thing to do. The problem though is I LOVE Christmas. I love all of it. The cinnamon and peppermint smells. Reading the Christmas story over and over again. The cracking fireplace. Christmas cards coming in the mail. The cozy sweaters. The holiday parties. The shopping. THE GIFTS. I will be 88 years old and will love gifts like a 10 year old kid love gifts. Somewhere though despite my love for it all, I get utterly loss beneath the consumerism and the never-ending to-do list, and the cultural pressures. By the time December 26th rolls around I realize how exhausted I am and how desperately I need some time to myself.

Time does not slow down unless I make it slow down. What can I do to actually hear Christmas inside myself? Like actually hear the good news in my soul. This is why I decided to give myself a small but powerful challenge. I believe that the habits I cultivate daily create the kind of life i want often more then the big bang decisions that I so often look towards. Every day for the month of December I will dedicate 10 minutes of listening to Christmas.

What does this mean? This means no obligations, no productivity, no work and no hurry. I have a storage bench that faces out our bedroom window that I love. I will light my lavender lemon candle and  listen for 10 minutes. In my mind I thought,  / seriously don't have time for 10 minutes of stillness in December with all the travel and work and partiesI. That thought alone made me think, oh my goodness I need this 10 minutes!!! It's not a long time at all. But it's 10 minutes for me to be still and listen. To create a breathing room for myself that I can step into any time of day. Sacred and holy minutes.

I'm not sure what I expect to hear this month. My husband asked me what "listening to Christmas" means to me. I think it means I want to hear the bells, the reindeer, the snow fall (or rain fall in San Diego's case), I want to hear Santa and his ho ho ho. I want to cause time to S L O W down amidst this fast paced season. But really I want the message of Christmas to draw near to me. I want to know joy to the world is not a song but real life. I want to hear that hope is the voice of truth. I want to hear that love still wins. I want to hear a certain baby's first cry that echoes into my present with surprising tenderness.

This Christmas I will listen.