Foam Blocks and Kind Words

One of my favorite memories of childhood was gymnastics after school with my second grade, best friend Kaila. Our moms would take turns picking us up after school and it would usually involve a stop for ice-cream and fries and then our gymnastics class. The gym was filled with that chalky smell and was covered with, at least for me, a child's personal dream of an obstacle course. It had rings, beams, bars and a trampoline. 

The other day I was talking to my sister on the phone and she was telling me about something she was feeling shame about it. My sister is very visual so when she starts to squint her eyes I know she is off frolicking in a vineyard or swimming with dolphins somewhere exotic. However via text or the phone it's much harder to tell. My sister explained to me that with each text I sent her she could see herself on a balance beam and falling off onto those foam blocks. I thought the picture was beautiful because it wasn't about her staying on the balance beam and performing perfectly. What was highlighted was the soft fall, a fall into squishy, foam blocks that break any hard fall. 

This made me think about our words and how important it is that our words are kind. Proverbs 16 tells us that "Kind words are like honey, sweet to the soul, and healthy for the body" It's crazy to think that our words can create a soft landing for people or a hard and disastrous landing for people. In life everyone seems to be walking on their own balance beam whether it be their career, family pressure, relationship conflict, or body image stressors. 

Everyone is trying to perform well and is stressing about it. When people "fall", whether that be a mistake, a loss, or a tragedy our words can either be soft foam blocks or they can be sharp jagged rocks. No one wants to fall on that! The pictures of crocodiles under a tight rope or a balance beam always come to mind because of all those silly cartoons I used to watch growing up or perhaps it was just Rescuers Down Under. Life is complicated and hard enough as it is, and if our words are only making the fall worse, how sad is that!

We have such a beautiful opportunity to bring life to others by our kind words. I am glad I was able to create a soft landing for my sister with my words. I'm grateful my words were kind and not shame inducing. However this is not always the case. Sometimes my words are not as kind. Sometimes people land on sharp, poky rocks after I've had my share of ‘word rage’. And more often than not, my words are not kind to myself. I am hard on myself. I am judging, comparing and falling into a shame cycle with my words. Instead of creating a soft landing for myself filled with self-care and love, I create a cold and harsh environment for myself where I feel isolated and scared. Instead of listening to God’s deep echos to my soul reminding me I am enough, I try to prove why I’m not. We probably could all afford to be more kind with our words to ourselves and others. Who doesn’t like playing with foam blocks anyway?

Turkey Day in July*

         In the past, July has been a tough month for me for a number of reasons. For one it’s summer in San Diego (and we are living in the midst of a drought). If you know anything about my internal thermometer you know I hate being hot and have an exaggerated reaction to feeling warm. I also dislike traffic. I don’t like that San Diego seems to be overrun by tourism in the month of July. I can’t seem to go to the beach or take the 5 north (SAY FAIR) ever without it being a huge production.

   These are the more superficial reasons for my aversion to July and the summer. Some are deeper. July reminds me of not having a job, of job searching, feeling financially terrified, it reminds me of physical pain, and lastly it reminds me of loss. Great loss. Two years ago I lost one of my very good friends. He died suddenly and it was more final than I knew or understood how to swallow at that time. I was entirely devastated in July two years ago and it did not just stay neatly packaged in the past of July 2012, the grief continued and continues with me.

   So last week when I found out my husband’s spunky aunt passed away suddenly I could feel fear grip me again. It was familiar and I didn't want it to be. Sunday was the funeral and looking into faces full of deeper lines and eyes that have turned to pools is no easy task.

   There at Dana Point, on a beautiful sunny day, a rollicking breeze, overlooking the shimmering bay, I felt vulnerability come to me gently. Two years ago the vulnerability I felt after such a loss was riveting, shocking, and paralyzing. It’s okay I’m afraid. I can name my fear. I can name my loss.

   This is why I’ve decided for the month of July to celebrate Thanksgiving. Instead of dreading what this month will bring, I want to anticipate what this month will give. I am planning to post via instagram daily what I am grateful for during the month of July. I am hoping you will consider doing the same, even if it’s writing it down in a journal or speaking it to a friend or loved one.

I hope its okay if I get a little nerdy now. Psychology Today posted an article that discusses this point. One study they did showed that people who showed more gratitude overall had higher levels of activity in the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus controls a bunch of bodily functions such as eating, drinking and sleeping. Gratitude actually works to re-wire the way the brain connects and can have help decrease depression and anxiety.  Research also showed that gratitude affects our dopamine. Dopamine functions as a neurotransmitter in our brain. Basically it is how we feel and experience “reward”.

   Obviously after great loss or grief it’s not a good idea to deny our feelings and bark about “how thankful we are this tragedy happened” That is NOT what I am talking about. Grief has to be grieved or we will remain stuck.  I am not even suggesting we state what that we are thankful for our losses. I am more suggesting we can yell with all the profanity we need to express how devastated we are about losing someone we love, AND still say, I'm grateful for chocolate.  I love how Brene Brown writes about it in her book; The Gifts Of Imperfection. She talks about what it means to cultivate gratitude and joy and let go of scarcity and fear of the dark. “We think not being grateful and not feeling joy will make it hurt less. We think it we beat vulnerability to the punch by imagining loss, we’ll suffer less. We’re wrong. There is one guarantee: If we’re not practicing gratitude and allowing ourselves to know joy, we are missing out on the two things that will actually sustain us during the inevitable hard times”

   I can’t tell you how many times I have “dress-rehearsed” tragedy. It seems I am more prone to it in the summers. It seems I am just dreading when “the next shoe will drop” Just when I feel that I might experience joy I am overwhelmed by vulnerability and come crashing into my own fear.

   Brene Brown’s “Get Deliberate” activity has been very useful for me to practice. When I am feeling suffocated by fear I try to call forward joy and gratitude. I first acknowledge my fear and then state what I am grateful for. For example Brene Brown writes, “I’m feeling vulnerable. That’s okay. I’m so grateful for ______” She writes that this practice has absolutely increased her capacity for joy.

So on July 1, 2014 I would like to declare what I am grateful for. Today I am grateful for creative and curious minds. I am grateful and honored to tutor Owen and teach him about the solar system through colorful Styrofoam balls he can hang on his ceiling. I am grateful for the way his mind learns and grows. I am grateful to experience the colorful planets through his eyes. #Julygratitude

*Maybe I will make a Turkey.

10 Stellar Books For Summer 2014 Reading

I have been on a reading frenzy since April. I go in spurts when it comes to reading. When I road trip, I read A LOT. When I first finished graduate school I read books I actually wanted to read. Now that I’m no longer a workaholic that sits at vegetation station for 2.5 hours each night after work, I have time for reading parties as I like to call them.

Even though, for most of us, summer no longer means extended time off, vacations, sun and endless reading and slumber parties (which in my case as a high schooler meant working any number of strange odd jobs) it’s still nice to at least think summer means more time for reading, more time for travel and more time for refreshing drinks. My husband, Scott recently graduated with his masters and I am excited for him to be able to finally read books as fun books and not just textbooks. We plan to have reading parties all summer long.

I read like it's my job** In fact, I wish I could find a job where I was paid to read….but that is beside the point. All the books I am going to recommend to you were recommended by my friends and other professionals so I figured I would do the same for you. Also I have read them J

        1. Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.  
      It took me awhile to read this book, so when I say I read it in May, I actually mean I finished it in May and started it last year. Brene Brown has done 12 years of research on the myth that vulnerability is weakness and  states that in actuality it is our most accurate measure of courage. Brene Brown is super intelligent and yet a down-to-earth kind of gal. She has a gigantic heart and an amazing ability to communicate on a subject as hard as shame and vulnerability and our need for connection. I use a lot of her theory and work professionally as a therapist with my high-school clients as well as in my personal life as I seek to be courageous in my relationships to others. I also HIGHLY recommend her book, The Gifts of Imperfection as well. I read this book over and over and if I’m feeling like I need a boost I just read one of her simple yet rich and full of depth guideposts to encourage me.

2. The Adventures of Robin Hood by Roger Lancelyn Green

I found this little gem in La Jolla at a used book store next to Pannikin Coffee and Tea on Girard Avenue. This book is a children’s classic and basically re-tells the adventures of Robin Hood. I figure after you read something as thought provoking at Daring Greatly you might want to pick this up (or read about Peter Pan) How can you go wrong reading about merry thieves, the enchanted Sherwood forest (I am biased) and realizing Maid Marian is much more of a badass than she is depicted in the Disney film.

    3.12 Months to Your Ideal Private Practice by Lynn Grodzki 
      If you are therapist aspiring to run your own private practice someday than this should definitely be on your summer list. It is a workbook and you actually only go through it month by month (otherwise you would be overwhelmed and most likely end up broke) The author is like an energetic life coach that leads you to explore your connections, your beliefs, your passion and how to run a business.

      4. Divergent by Veronica Roth.
      I feel like I don’t need to say a whole lot about this book since it’s very popular and you have probably already seen the movie. It’s fast paced, riveting, and intense. If you like it, you can read two more! I wouldn’t read too much into though (for example by becoming obsessed with what faction you belong to) It’s okay, you belong to Divergent, don’t worry about it. If you are worried then check out buzz feed. Pretty sure I got Abnegation simply because I like the color gray and I’m in the helping field. After that I got factionless. By my 67^th time I finally got Dauntless which would have been cool except I really just wanted to be Divergent.

   5. Praying in Color by Sybil MacBeth.
      I bought this book to spice up my spiritual life. I am a very visual and kinesthetic learner so this book has been great for me. Sybil MacBeth challenges us to use color to pray, to draw out prayers and to basically doodle as we pray. I am a very disciplined person but this has been a double-edged sword for my spiritual life. I can sit for hours doing quiet spiritual things such as praying and reading the Bible but it doesn’t mean I enjoy it or don’t become very bored after awhile. For me, art and color is a new way for me to connect with God. You don’t even have to be an artist to benefit from this book. The author is a math teacher! I have a journal now with lots of people’s names in it decorated with lots and lots of sharpie markers.  

   6. Girl at the End of the World by Elizabeth Esther. 
      I follow Elizabeth’s Esther’s zesty blog so it was only natural I would buy her book when it came out this year. It’s basically her memoir of growing up in a fundamentalist cult and how she escaped. It’s riveting, hilarious and relatable. Elizabeth is brave, vulnerable and extremely plucky. Elizabeth creates a beautiful image of raw faith despite everything she experienced. Trigger Warning: This book does share graphic stories of physical and emotional abuse so if you know you’re not in a good place mentally for this book, just wait. It will be here later J

    7.   Bossypants by Tina Fey. 
      After reading something so intense and penetrating I needed something light and funny. However didn’t expect to be quite as inspired as I was. Tina Fey has done for comedy (Saturday Night Live, 30 Rock, or my personal favorite: Baby Mama) I tried really hard to keep it together in public coffee shops as I read through her memoir of childhood, the ridiculous cultural standards of beauty, (for example, “Now every girl is expected to have… the hips of a nine-year-old boy…”) dead-end jobs, and her break into the comedy sector, as well as the breast feeding versus formula debate. Not only is Tina Fey hysterical, she is someone who respects herself as a woman. She is a wife, mother and professional and she does each one with class.

       8. Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey. 
      The title alone on this book made me want to read it!  Sarah writes about the gender debate and discusses how she wants to put aside all the arguing to have an actual conversation. She writes about how following Jesus made a feminist out her. Sarah writes about how God’s isn’t “a helpmeet in the watered-down milquetoast way we’ve taught or understood…He’s a strong helper, a warrior…women were created and called out as warriors”.  Definitely worth the read!

      9. Thoughts to Make Your Heart Sing by Sally Lloyd Jones. 
      This book Scott and I read together before bed. Our adult friends read it too. Yes it is a kids devotional and yes we love it. It has 101 simple, profound thoughts on faith. The illustrations are amazing and innovative. This book remind  me how much Jesus loves us.

      10. *Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? by Mindy Kaling. 
      If you like the show, The Mindy Project or The Office, or if you like to laugh at all, then consider this book. This book is a hilarious and witty memoir about Mindy’s life. She writes from a range of topics from best friend’s rights and responsibilities to why men put on their shoes so slowly to revenge fantasies while jogging, to her favorite moments in comedy. This book made me want to go back to film school and start writing more scripts for comedy. (Note: I only wrote one feature film script and it was cheesy and lacked continuity but I am proud of it nonetheless)

*Indicates my favorite

** If you want to read like it's your job too, consider reading any books by Brene Brown, Shauna Niequist. Also consider reading Sue Monk Kidd books such as The Secret Life of Bees and When The Heart Waits. I just got her new book The Invention of Wings. Other summer reading recs would include Love Does by Bob Goff, Surrender to Love by David Benner, Steal Like An Artist by Austin Kleon, Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery or anything by Jane Austen because she is rad. 

What a Snow Day Looks Like in San Diego to Me

San Diego has been usually hot this year. It has been so hot we are fighting off fires earlier in the season than normal. It has been so unrelentingly dry it is actually dangerous to light a candle or stand near a pile of shrubs. I have always been the kind of person who hides from heat. I do not enjoy heat. If I’m going to the beach I’m going to go on a cool, cloudy day, preferably in the morning on a Tuesday…OR at night when temperatures are finally starting to drop.

Hot days in San Diego remind me of snow days in the Midwest. Every year growing up in Nebraska, we would have a couple snow days or late starts to school. My sisters and I would get up early, fuzzy headed, and call the school repeatedly to hear if school was canceled. The first sign of snow or frost gave me excitement knowing there was a chance I could have a whole day off from school. It was a time for hot chocolate, sledding, snow angels, and most importantly no school. If it was blizzard conditions it was a time for turning up the heat, wearing fuzzy socks, having soup and avoiding going outside at all.

A couple weeks ago, right before my sister flew in for a visit, naturally, it became unbearably hot. There seemed to be no escape from the heat. Coffee shops and stores had their fans blasting but it was not enough to take the edge off of the heat. My legs would stick to the seats in coffee shops. Everyone was sweating salt right out their pores. My feet swelled. Hot Yoga was out of the question. (Just food for thought but why hasn't Cold Yoga been discovered yet?) I find it satisfying to freeze and do yoga simultaneously in the comforts of my own home. (See picture below)

As often as I could I would find air conditioning and lay next to it. Then the fires broke out and I started to hear about people having to evacuate from their homes. It is really scary and sad what intense heat can do. This is not something that happens in the Midwest generally. We deal with tornadoes and blizzards and ice storms, but not usually fires that are so intense that no one can stop them.

Once the fires started to spread I started really praying for some rain. Then this happened: School was canceled. Since I work at a school this felt like a snow day California style. Two school districts were completely shut down on a Thursday. I did what I usually do on snow days (especially intense ice storms): stay inside at all costs. Close the windows. Plan my day around coffee, TV shows and moving as little as possible so as not to sweat. I turned our small air conditioning unit up (or down I guess). Thankfully my sister was already in town so I had a playmate for the day just like the good ol’ days in Kearney, Nebraska. School is canceled! We slept in, had iced cold brew coffee, watched some Modern Family, talked about books we were currently reading and discussed what it means to reconstruct your face with the use of tattoos. We had minty chilled mojitos out of mason jars.

         

 Scott and I made a quesadilla bar for dinner. I used ice to cool my feet down and dreamt about rain and cooler weather. It was impossible to sleep though and there was literally nothing I could do to actually sleep soundly.

As always, in life, there are things I cannot control. I have no control over the weather or how people might view me.  I have little control over other people’s choices, even if I do hold some influence. I can’t create puffy clouds and ice cold rain to stop the intense heat and fires. I wish I could stop the pain, the fragility and brokeness of being human, the emotional trauma of losing someone you love, I wish I could stop human trafficking, and sexism. Some days I just want the headache I have to go away by simply waving my magic wand. (I don’t have a magic wand…but if I did I would use it.  A LOT. ) As a child I found things to do with my time during my precious snow days. And as an adult I find things to do with my time during heat infested days. I am not entirely helpless. Within the pain I experience from uncontrollable events I can choose self-care, I can choose to communicate my needs and wants. I can choose to fight for good. I can choose to send a friend a painted letter, to wrap my arms around the anxious heart, I can reach for a hand to hold, I can cozy myself with hot tea and a book full of gems. I can look for the comedy and flare of every day life. I can stay inside, breathe deeply and wait till the outside storm passes.