31 days of Self-Care day 4

Alone time.

Tonight I am having some soul space.

Initially I felt guilty turning my friends down on dinner and fall festive plans.  But my friend reminded me how much it sense it makes that I would want to stay home. She totally understood my need to be a bum. After a week of appointments, deadlines and meetings I just needed to spend some time with myself.

Every time I take the Myers Briggs Test (even type 2) I come out as an extrovert. Maybe I am a low functioning extrovert or maybe it’s actually just healthy to cultivate alone time regularly. (hint: it is). Still I am usually confused with myself. But when I took the more in-depth Myers Briggs test I realized that I was a reflecting and intimate extrovert. Meaning I like to sit around and journal and read and think. AND I also like hanging out with small groups of people because I value depth and quality over quantity.

Don’t get me wrong though. Those big parties still bring me a lot of energy and excitement. Just when I am building in enthusiasm and volume of tone at a party, Scott is just wishing he could hide in a corner…or go home. If anyone has taught me that it’s okay to be alone or spend time with just one person, it’s my husband, Scott. He could spend an entire day alone and be thrilled. I would be bored by the end of the day. However I have learned to really enjoy my alone time. 

It wasn’t always like this. I used to fear being alone. Facing my anxiety and fear head on was really hard and often being alone made me feeling very vulnerable. My therapist has helped me see I am not so scary to be with. I am actually quite enjoyable. There is no reason to run from myself. The more comfortable I am with myself the more I cherish my alone time.

Tonight Scott is closing at the Coffee Bean so I took full advantage of my alone time. I baked some chicken and had some kale. I wrote a letter to my best friend from my childhood. I boiled some water for tea. I lit some candles. I arranged my pumpkins and gourds into a center piece for our coffee table (aka trunk) I may have found myself roaming at Target. I cannot confirm or deny if I came home with some exciting prizes for myself. I called a couple of my close friends I haven’t caught up with in awhile.  Next phase of alone time might involve reading some Real Simple or Kinfolk or playing some candy crush. On that notes I might find some chocolate to eat. I will invite Jesus into my pumpkin spice aroma, candle burning, chocolate munching, quiet, calm time tonight.

Alone time is self-care time for me.

31 Days of Self-Care day 3

I have decided that I am going to try do every self-care exercise that I write about. That way I am not just telling everyone to try these things out when I am not even doing them. So far I have done yoga and I have had food (every day, multiple times a day!)

Today I had a hair appointment. SO EXCITING. I have literally been on the books for an entire month. I was looking forward to it being Friday, getting done with work and being able to sit like I was at a spa while my hair was made beautiful.

My friend who does my hair is extremely talented. She is also a really great host. She makes you feel welcome right away. She asks what you want done. She is the expert in her field and I trust her with my hair. I trust her with my husband's hair! Today this was part of my self-care. She put color in my hair so I can go more blonde, cut and layered my hair, and styled it to perfection. She offered me wine and by the time we were done it felt like I had met up with a good friend to get drinks and came out with awesome hair.

We talked about a lot of different things, but one thing that stuck with me is how we can either be our selve's greatest advocates or greatest enemy. We have to decide to be on our side. Self-care is one way I am learning to be on my side. It is how I show up for myself and fight for myself. It's how I give myself what I need. My friend who was doing my hair said at one point during our conversation, "I need me for me" It struck me that we use multiple vices to cope with life's pain. It is much easier to numb ourselves or go on a desperate search for what will "cure" us when in reality we might need to just sit with ourselves and be there for us.

I now have beautiful hair and enjoyed some self-care today. It was great to relax and just have some ME TIME.


See you tomorrow friends.

31 days of Self-Care day 2

Today I had a long day at work. I had a couple appointments, meetings, trainings and a lot of progress notes to write. I felt like I was in a race against time. I had to get all this done before our staff meeting! There was just one problem. It was lunch time and I was starting to get very hungry.

I just don't have time to eat right now. I should get my work done, then eat...

Eating is not a "reward" for working hard, finishing a project or working-out, it is absolutely essential to living. I had to learn this the hard way. Now my health always always comes first. But today was different. I had a lot to do and since I am new at work, the learning curve has been pretty steep. I have a lot to prove and a lot to learn. I didn't feel like I could afford to eat.

The reality is I can't afford not to eat.

Welcome to self-care day 2. FOOD. Food provides energy and food gives me the ability to keep working. Food enhances my quality of life. Eating seems like such a basic, simple need but for so many people we have unhealthy views about food. We restrict food because we are trying to attain the perfect size. We don't eat enough because we feel like there are more important things to be doing. Reality check, there are not many more important things than continuing to fuel yourself. Food provides energy in 3 main things, carbohydrates, protein and fat. Your carbs provide you with energy. Fat breaks down to fatty acids to supply energy and protein breaks down to amino acids. Yes we need food. This is taking care of ourselves.

What happens when we don't eat?

• Loss of lean body mass
• Shaking
• Decreased metabolic rate
• Gastrointestinal problems (you know what this is)
• Weakness/sleep disturbance
• Lower libido
• Loss of hormones
• Decreased concentration
• Anxiety
• Depression

If I went through everything that happens to someone's body when they restrict you would leave this blog it would be so long. I also don't want to scare you into eating because I don't think fear is a very good motivation for change. Hence why I will stop with the list!

I am really sick of all the magazines I see at the cash register when I go grocery shopping. They are obsessed with "burning that fat off" Getting rid of that very thing could be extremely detrimental to us. While with anything there is a balance and if we eat to numb ourselves and avoid painful feelings, there might be an issue with "eating too much". However the root of a problem does not generally start with "eating too much" or "eating too less". These are just the symptoms that manifest themselves. 

So today when I started to feel hungry my co-therapist told me I should go get lunch, she said I would feel a lot better after I did. She was right. I finished up an hour plus before my meeting. That food gave me energy! I realized it was more important for me to eat than get my work done. I am worth it. You are worth it. 

If you are interested in more information on disordered eating check out POTENTIA. I am a huge fan!

31 days of Self-Care.

I have decided to join up with THE NESTING PLACE's 31 day writing challenge! I am going to be writing on 31 days of self-care. I might be a day behind but I think my passion and excitement about this will make up for loss time.

Each day I am going to write about how to experience different forms of self-care. I am really passionate about this topic because it sometimes goes overlooked especially in the Christian community. Often we are told to sacrifice, deny ourselves and above all, DON'T BE SELFISH!

This is my 31 day celebration of how self-care has enhanced the quality of my life BIG TIME. I think for me personally this is inspiring for me to be aware of doing something every day that adds to my overall health and well-being. I have recently begun a full-time job as a therapist to adolescent and their families. It is a lot of work! As I hear painful, heart wrenching stories, as I write endless progress notes, and as I try to meet my own productivity I am reminded how important it is for me as a therapist to take care of myself. I owe that much to my clients. If I am not healthy, well nourished, well slept and richly full inside I have nothing to give except my own human exhaustion (which is not a charm). I believe that my personal relationships with my friends and family will have more meaning if I take the time to BE with myself and nourish the areas in my life that are lacking.

Today's first self-care exercise is yoga! I am a huge fan of yoga. Yoga has helped me learn how to slow down, breathe and connect with where my body is at. Sometimes my body feels energized, other times my body feels beaten down. Either way, yoga definitely shows me what my body is truly feeling. When I become stressed my whole body becomes inflamed. Yoga has taught me how valuable stretching is to release tension in my muscles. Yoga has developed in me a love for my body. Yoga is not about losing weight or becoming a body builder, it is about finding my deep Strength.

Today I read She breathes deeply and prayed while I practiced Yoga. This was especially meaningful to me because not only am I connected with my body, I am connecting with Jesus. I am able to actually visualize grounding myself in this Love as I do mountain pose. It seems like a great way to start your day or end your day. So check it out!

I'll meet up with you tomorrow!

"But you're an animal, baby, it's in your nature"

Today I was driving to work and heard a new(ish) song on the radio. It was catchy and upbeat. It sounded like I was at a lawn party drinking mojitos enjoying life. That was until I listened to the lyrics. I heard something about a “good girl” and “what rhymes with hug” and “the way you grab me, must wanna get nasty”. I mean there are million different songs out there about relationships as they term it (ahem songs about sex) so I am not sure why this song really stood out to me.

I guess with all the research going on and the way women have been using their voices to stand up for themselves, this song seemed utterly sexist, if not downright degrading. According to The Economist, women now make up half of American workers (49.9%). They run some of the world’s best companies, such as PepsiCo, Archer Daniels Midland and W.L. Gore. They earn almost 60% of university degrees in American and Europe. The list could go on and on. You would think we would take ourselves seriously after this and we would expect others to see us as more than just a beauty icon or a sex object. We have always been worthy of respect (degrees or no degrees)

One minute we are human and the next we are referred to as “animals” as Robin Thicke sings, “But you're an animal, baby it's in your nature" 

The song is called “Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke and was released in March 2013.

Let me be the one you back that ass to

Go, from Malibu, to Paris, boo

Yeah, I had a bitch, but she ain't bad as you

So hit me up when you passing through

I'll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two

Swag on, even when you dress casual

I mean it's almost unbearable

Then, honey you're not there when I'm

With my foresight bitch you pay me by

Nothing like your last guy, he too square for you

He don't smack that ass and pull your hair like that

So I just watch and wait for you to salute

But you didn't pick

Not many women can refuse this pimpin'

                                I'm a nice guy, but don't get it if you get with me

This song has been a WORLDWIDE hit. It has peaked at number one on the Billboard Hot 100 and has reached #1 in 13 more countries including the United Kingdom and the United States. The album was released in July.

Okay so obviously there is still a lot more work to be done regarding women and sexism. I am trying to wrap my brain around why this is a worldwide hit. Maybe it’s fun and maybe it’s catchy, but the lyrics are damaging, degrading and painful.

I’m not going to blame men for a song like this. I blame us. Men and women. According to interviews Robin Thicke was given “permission” by his wife to be in the music video with half naked models singing about sex and his large dick. The woman are carrying around animals (goats?!) and some type of meat towards the end. Even if this is supposed to be a joke or just absurd (because it is absolutely ridiculous) it’s NOT a joke.

What part of racism can we actually joke about? Was it really funny that we had slaves?

Is it just hilarious Hitler had concentration camps where people suffered and died? It is it really all that absurd since this actually happened?

Can we really laugh about pimping? After working with girls involved in sex trafficking I have a hard time finding the humor in a MINOR having sex for money.

The word bitch refers to “female dog”, is this actually humorous? Is it okay to refer to your woman as a “bitch?”

The song and the music videos has received understandable criticism. Some have called the lyrics “creepy” and “kind of rapey”. The song doesn’t just have “under the radar” misogynistic themes, it’s pretty much ON the radar.

In an interview for the GQ magazine Thicke joked about the video saying, “What a pleasure it is to degrade a women. I’ve never gotten to do that before”

Enough said.

It is extremely disturbing to me that this song is apparently so hip and so popular. While we might be defensive and say “we just listen to the beat, not the lyrics”, it still doesn’t justify the sexism, and lack of dignity it communicates regarding women (and for men for that matter!) I mean, maybe I'm a really rare woman, but my sexual fantasy does NOT include "something big enough to tear my ass in two". This doesn't sound like art and it certainly doesn't sound like sex. It sounds rather violent. 

I think we are smarter than this. I think we are more creative than this. I think we are more innovative than this. I think deep down we are more intuitive than this. I think Robin Thicke is more artistic (and better at rhyming) than this. And, for crying out loud, his wife is smarter than this.

Sometimes I don’t want to use my voice. Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and pretend people don’t actually talk (or think) like this. I can’t though. We are created in the image of the divine, in the image of God. I won’t let myself or anyone else be degraded to the status of an object, without at least a fight.

If you want to help Thicke find something to rhyme with "hug" there are few available ideas on http://www.buzzfeed.com/perpetua/words-robin-thicke-should-know-rhyme-with-hug-me

Coffee: the new love language

Coffee is my love language.

People take tests about love languages and analyze the specific type of way they give and receive love.

However I have come to terms with my personal way of receiving love: coffee.

When all else fails in life, coffee is still there. There are still coffee shops on my street and Starbucks around the corner.

Everything in my life can change and turn upside down but coffee is like a trusted loyal friend.

This summer I have been spending a lot of my time alone during the day job searching. When I feel like I can’t take it anymore inside my apartment alone pouring over job applications, I throw off the boxers, shower and head to a coffee shop to get some inspiration.

Sometimes I plant myself next to a window and just drink my coffee and do nothing else. Somehow I am able to breathe and get enough perspective to continue to move forward in life.

This past weekend I flew out for my roommate’s (now ex!) wedding in Minnesota to be a bridesmaid. I love going back to Minnesota for a number of reasons but one of the large reasons are the coffee shops. Caribou Coffee in Minnesota is the equivalent to Starbucks in San Diego. They are around every corner. Dunn Brothers has the best cold press I have ever tried. Lastly Waconia, a town of 10,000 (but it feels more like 20) just west of the twin cities has a place called Mocha Monkey. In college I would come here to write and sip a yerba matte chai or get a mocha. 

My ex-roomie, Janice who just got married added to my addiction of coffee. In the mornings I would wake up to the smell of coffee, and find her sitting in her robe on our sofa, blank stare on her face, coffee in hand. It was one of the rare moments I would see her sit still and do nothing.

The first time, Scott, my fiancé, came to my door with a vanilla latte in hand, you would have thought he had come to the door with a diamond ring and a dozen roses. But no, just coffee. However to me, it was not just coffee. It told me he understand me, cared about me, thought about me, and the effect of the morning buzz was lasting as we got into the car and drove off to Julian for the day for a picnic.

When I graduated in June, my family and friends all got me Starbucks gift cards. I am still benefiting from all those gift cards! This time of year they are especially important to me because of the holiday drinks. The pumpkin spice latte literally makes my day.

I guess the thing about love languages and coffee that correlate is that coffee is something you can taste, touch, smell. It’s something that is given, it’s an act of service and a gift simultaneously. It speaks non-verbal words of affirmation and often it brings people together for quality time.

It’s ridiculous when I think about it. But then again in life you have to notice the little things that make you happy. Often it’s not the big things, but the little things that maximize pleasure and satisfaction in life. It’s taking the time to breathe, relax and realize that those little things are out there to add brightness to the day.

The Tree

I used to climb trees.

I also had a strange fascination with barbed wire growing up. I guess I always felt like it was an accomplishment when I would climb the fence. Sometimes I would rip a hole in my jeans or cut my skin. I would do this especially playing Capture the Flag or Flashlight Tag at night. I would run right into the barbed wire fence. I wouldn't notice the bleeding till I got back to my house.

Now as for trees, if I could jump the barbed wire where I lived there was this giant Cottonwood tree on the other side. I would dream of climbing it. However, it caught a disease, a tree disease, and it's slowly started to wilt it's stunning power and strength. I remember climbing my Grandma's tree in her front yard as a kid too. This tree was easy to climb. It made me feel strong and adventurous. My only trouble was in figuring out how to get down. I would like to say this fear died with childhood but not so. It was only a couple years ago I went on a hike, found a tree, climbed it and had no idea how to get back down.

I'm not exactly afraid of heights but once I'm up so high I can't figure out how to get down, it was so easy to get up. The view from below, while daunting, is a challenge I liked to take. The view from up high is priceless but once you realize you have to come back down, it's a bit disappointing.

 This past weekend Scott and I went to Julian for a mini day trip. It was so good to get out in nature, away from free-ways and traffic. It was so peaceful to feel a breeze, be far away from buidlings, and closer to nature's little noises of birds, leaves rustling, and life singing. We had a picnic under a large tree. I'm still mesmerized thinking about that tree and the view I had of it from the ground. Grass level view. I kept taking pictures to capture the tree, the leaves, the branches, the way the sun seeped through, the blue sky through the green leaves. It was so beautiful. I just couldn't capture it.

 It made me think about life and how I am always focused on "climbing the next tree". I just want a new tree, a new adventure, another accomplishment. But often when I climb too many trees I find myself stuck on a branch, unable to strategize a way down. Often I am so focused on getting to the next branch I forget to enjoy the scene below and above me. The view from the soft blanket in the grass is breathtaking. My eyes wonder in the open sky, the leaves dance in the sunlight. I relax taking in my surroundings.

 Sometimes I feel like my life is like Capture the Flag or Flashlight Tag. I am running and running and won't stop. I am running blindly in the dark. I crash into barbed wire and don't understand why. I run for the adrenalin rush, for the excitement but I don't know what I am doing or where I am going. I am hiding from all the flashlights because I don't want anyone to really find me. What they find might be alarming. Me, paralyzed as a kitten, up in a tree unsure how I got up here, more unsure how I will get down.

 Finally graduating in 3 weeks. I am already looking for the next tree to climb, the next thing to conquer, the next fence to jump, the next thing to do. But a small part of me remembers the tree I encountered this past weekend. The tree I didn't have to climb. The tree that gave me shade. The trees that let me rest and breathe deeply under it's long branches. The tree that spoke of beauty beyond what anyone can manufacture. The tree that spoke of strength beyond human capacity. I need that tree in my life. The one where I can rest at ease, reflect and instead of jumping to the next "tree climber activity", perhaps revel in the growth I have already seen. Enjoy the product of what I have planted, of what I have watered and what I have sewn.

 We are a workaholic society. A culture that thrives off of the next big thing. We are activators and accomplishers. We produce and produce and produce. We perform and perform and perform. Strive and strive and strive. If we never enjoy what we have produced what exactly have we gained? Is our identity only wrapped up in how much we get done, and how fast we can get it done?

 Maybe it's time I give myself a pat on the back and take a nice long nap under the tree I worked so hard to plant and grow these past 8 years (ahem 21 years in school). I have climbed this tree. And let me tell you something, the view from the grass is actually better in some ways than the view up in the sky, besides I don't even have to worry about how to get back down.