Steal Like A Daughter: 7 Things My Parents Taught Me I Intend To Run Off With.

I am not an actual thief, however I think I would be a good one. Mainly because I am both sneaky, innocent looking and a high risk taker. Growing up my parents taught me things I plan to take with me into my future. Below are those "things"

1. Dogs Are The Best Pets And The Best Kind Of Friends 

            I will always remember getting my first dog in 3rd grade. My dad took us out of town to a little house that had a litter of full breed black Labradors. My dad knelt before all the puppies and the one that came forward boldly and full of excitement we took home. I was obsessed with Charnie (we named her this Russian name as it means black). I wrote a whole book on Charnie complete with pictures I drew. My parents lamented it as they were so proud of my first book. I thought they practically published it for me! Charnie was like my adopted black haired sister. She would sleep next to my bed during thunderstorms, she would run with me on endless dirt road roads as I trained for track in school,  she would bounce up and down upon my coming home arrival, she would come as soon as I called for her out of desperation when I was home alone and would bark like she was going to rip stranger danger's throat out (though she never actually would). She never lied and had the worst poker face. Sometimes her face just looked full of guilt and then I would know…she found my chocolate stash... and ate all of it…

2. Eating Well Is Important

            Since my dad is a diabetic my mom always cooked really healthy for us growing up. I was the kid who brought the sack lunch with carrots and cucumbers and whole wheat bread while my friends munched on fruit roll ups, Cheetos, white bread and oh Lunchables…nothing made me more jealous than Lunchables! In hindsight I am very grateful my mom cared more about giving me what I needed nutritionally so I would have the energy my growing body craved, more than what my friends thought. 

3. You Can Always Be Thrifty

            Growing up we always had enough money. However we rarely went out to eat or went to the theater. We shopped at thrift stores. We bought things on sale. We went to farmer's markets and cut down our own (free!) Christmas tree on our land. We played cards or went on nature walks. My parents saved often so we could go on family vacations where entertainment was seen as special and not just the usual. I think being thrifty can always be hip. Scott and I work hard to do thrifty activities as entertainment. We never pass up a forgotten penny on the sidewalk.  I am grateful that I was taught to use my imagination and within that developed a world of creative ideas. I realized the best ideas are not bought or shopped for, they're already inside of me and the people I care about. 

4. Never Underestimate The Power Of Nature 

            I was taught to recycle, never litter, and to give back to nature. My parents encouraged us to play outside rather than inside. At times, I'll think back to the land we lived on and realize that nature is my favorite type of amusement park. It was full of trails, water, wildlife, secret spots, places to hide for capture the flag and flashlight tag. We picked berries for ice-cream from mulberry bushes and had a large garden. Today I am sincerely grateful to be living in San Diego where it’s sunny almost every day and I can get my fill of vitamin D by stepping outside of the office for even a half hour. Over the holidays I love going home to the Midwest where I get my fill of snow and freezing temperatures while enjoying nature’s beautiful seasons.

5. Reading Is A Hobby For All Ages 

            From the time I was little my parents read to me every night before bed. We read Dr. Seuss, Berenstein Bears, and Corduroy. I would fantasize about staying at a mall all night or growing up in a tree house. As far as buying goes my parent’s “soft spot” was always books. Whatever books we put down on our Christmas list we would usually unwrap under the tree. I would often wake up to my parents reading with morning coffee, and as I got older and stayed up later would find them reading before bed. Now Scott and I read to each other and love sharing quotes from our favorite books. As I started  therapy with at-risk and low-income adolescents I realized what a rare treasure it was to be able to read anything and everything. I often read to my clients in session inspirational stories or classic tales as many of them did not grow up being read to. Research shows that reading boosts the brain pathways. Readers are said to listen better, and process speech faster. Research is showing that kids who have lived in “enriched environments” where reading was present have thinner cortexes later in life. Thinner cortexes have been linked with higher intelligence! I am so grateful my parents saw the importance of creating an environment of reading. Okay, now I will get off my soap box!

6. Siblings Are Lifers 

            My parents always taught me to get along with my younger sisters. They taught us to share, to say “I’m sorry” and to be inclusive. My parents told me we could be best friends. I watched both my parents plan trips with their siblings. I watched their loyalty and love to their brothers and sisters. It made me think that no matter where my sisters and I ended up someday we would always be close. Today, this is so true as my sisters are my best friends and my biggest cheerleaders and greatest fans. I really improved on sharing too. Although as I got older it was more exciting to share clothes than toys. Now when my sisters come to visit we can’t wait to swap clothes.

 I may have bought this dog for my sister's birthday and then traded her for my old weird dog to have the new one….

 Apparently some things never change, I'm still stealing my sister's gifts….

7. Road Trippers Rock

            I grew up taking road trips everywhere. And by everywhere I mean everywhere. From Nebraska we drove to Tennessee to Virginia. We drove from Nebraska to Alaska (plus a little boat ride) From Montana we walked to Canada. I drove to Minnesota to California. I have been to 40 of the 50 states and that is not because of airports that is because of driving. My parents would take us on long road trips on our Christmas breaks, spring breaks and summer vacations. It is some of my favorite memories. My sisters and I would sit in the back and read or write and talk about the strangest and most random things to pass the time. We would play the alphabet game as a family, hang-man, and “going on a picnic” game. We would make goals and stop at funny gas stations and creative rest stops. We would try different kinds of food and coffee. As a child I hated getting up early and today I STILL hate getting up early. The only time in the world I actually I enjoy getting up early is when I am going on a road trip. I will get up at any hour to go on a trip. Scott and I have started getting up at 3:30am to make it up to Yosemite for Thanksgiving from San Diego and it something I look forward to for months. Thanks to my parents for fostering an adventurous and traveling spirit in me.

One of our first vacations to San Diego from Nebraska. We stayed at beautiful Sea Port Village. 

* Disclaimer: My parents taught me a lot of other things that are not listed above such as how to count and the alphabet. They also introduced me to Jesus. However I don’t need to steal Jesus because Jesus shares! J

Giving

San Diego has skipped winter this year. We experienced the worst drought California has seen in the past 100 years which has caused the lack of vegetation and all the fires. However one blissful weekend it rained all weekend long.

The wind blew causing all the leaves to fall off the branches and coat our courtyard inside our apartment complex with a carpet of foliage.

There were puddles everywhere and streams of water running down the streets. I even heard thunder. As a former Midwest girl this is a novelty now that I live in San Diego. It was a truly beautiful sound. Scott and I decided to start on a 1500 piece puzzle of Van Gogh's Cafe Terrace at Night. It is still in the works on our kitchen table. It more than just a "rainy day" puzzle. It's a "rainy month" and then some type puzzle. As the rain let up I decided to go on a walk that afternoon as I always do after a rain. Scott stayed home and worked on the puzzle since he has more patience for such things than I do. After a rain I feel an intense need to go out and find what rain has done to my surroundings, to nature, to my neighborhood and see what it has revealed.

In church we have been talking about giving. Scott and I have tried to become more intentional about praying for our neighborhood and asking God to show us how we can bless those near to us. Growing up I didn't live in a neighborhood. I lived out on the country on 30+ acres. I found solace and adventure in the space and freedom I had on this land. I had forests and trees to climb, rolling hills to run down and sled on and a pond to fish in. I had a fort, a canoe, and a fence to climb over. There were endless trails and endless possibilities out in the wilderness for me as a kid. I want to think about my neighborhood like that now. There is beautify to be found everywhere. Now instead of a forest and cows as my neighbors I have nail salons, the post office, bars, coffee shops, books stores and antique stores. There are beautiful faces and barking dogs and (sometimes honking horns) and the smell of coffee beans roasting. There are sidewalks and houses, yards, flowers, churches and there are still trees but I avoid climbing my neighbor's trees.There are spaces and places and lives that feel lost and alone.

         Scott and I haven’t done anything extravagant in our neighborhood. We have just tried to greet our baristas by name. I make eye contact with the people who do my nails and ask them about their kids. We talk to our neighbors about the weather. We try to make sure to tip well. We pray for the houses we pass on our walks.  It hasn’t been all Sesame Street. One day I was driving home and was waiting for a man to cross the street before I turned left onto my street. The big green truck behind me was in a hurry and honked at me. I was in no mood after a long day of work and a stressful meeting. I threw my hands in the air at said truck and seriously considered flipping this person off. Weirdly enough this truck followed me onto my street, onto my alley and into MY parking lots. Waittttt…..this person was my neighbord?!! She got out of her car and I got out of mine awkwardly and we both headed to the door to get inside our gate. She apologized to me and said she was in a hurry. I explained to her I was waiting for a man to walk across the street. Silence. It was painfully uncomfortable as we both walked to our apartments. This is the reality of living a human life when you pull back the curtains of the glamorous life real people don’t actually live.

I want people to see Jesus in me and I want them to experience this generous, irresistible and warm light. I am trusting that little acts of giving in our neighborhood are beautiful even if small. Some days it comes more naturally than others and other days I just want to flip people off.

At the risk of sounding too cheesy I am trusting that the time and prayers we put in on our ordinary days will create something stunning and extraordinary in the future. I pray the small pieces create a big work of art.  Hopefully like our never-ending puzzle J

21 things i know about love

In honor of Valentine’s Day I thought I would write a blog post. This was my first Valentine’s Day married. It’s crazy to me that Scott and I will have been married for a year come the end of March.

Sometimes we feel like fresh newly weds, bright eyed and bushy tailed and have literally NO clue what we are doing and other times we feel like we’ve been married for a long time because we feel so comfy and close together. 

As a marriage and family therapist I went into marriage terrified and wanting to do everything right. I figured if I studied for 8 years how to have the perfect and most healthy relationship surely I could do it! Education is a funny thing and so is book knowledge. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE what I studied. I am grateful to be practicing therapy at the YMCA. However experiences can teach you things a bit faster than the books. There is no perfect formula.  Thankfully relationships are not like Algebra equations with only one answer. (if it was I would fail). Not one size fits all.  Here are a few things I’ve observed about love and being married over the past year.

1.    DON’T compare your marriage to someone else. This is not helpful on any level. My experience is my experience and that is what makes my marriage sacred. It is what we have experienced. Comparison only leads to shame. Scott and I like learning from other people’s relationships but we work hard not to compare ourselves because we are special and unique as we are.

2.    Learn to delight in the ways your spouse cannot be defined and the ways they cannot be tamed. I’m glad we are not robots. I’m glad there is madness, impulsivity, weirdness and creativity in my marriage. It makes the magic. 

3.    Do go to bed angry. Honestly sometimes Scott and I wake up the next morning and have no idea what we were fighting about. Trying to talk something out when you are angry, anxious and operating out of “limbic” mood is not a good way to resolve anything. Get some sleep so your brain has a minute to recover and the reasoning side of your brain will come back to life! It’s a miracle!

4.    Always, even when it’s lots of work, let your spouse love the parts of you that you would rather hide.

5.    Which leads me to my next piece of advice, don’t hide!!! As researcher and licensed social worker,  Brene Brown writes “We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known”. To dare greatly is to be vulnerable.

6.    Have dinner together :)

7.    Make fun plans together and go on adventures. 

8.    Read to each other

9.    Be grateful for each other

10.   Be best friends

11.  Be ridiculous and impulsive

12.  Be your spouse’s greatest fan, loudest advocate, fiercest fighter and the one who can’t keep the confetti and balloons held back. Celebrate them.

13.     Enjoy the truth that you are bold enough to stand alone but embrace it when you’re tender enough to need support. It’s okay to need.

14.   Research continues to show that mutual physical affection creates a stronger bond by releasing oxytocin.  Affection can be very grounding after a hard day of work or after a vulnerability hang over. I enjoy “burrowing” as Scott puts it and I also enjoy “squishing” him.  I like it when Scott picks me up and twirls me around till we are both dizzy. I like it when we cook in the kitchen and slow dance together in an awkward rhythm.

15.   Buy each other prizes. Okay obviously this is my guilty pleasure but seriously this can’t hurt EVER. I love prizes. Sometims Scott comes home with chocolate or wine or flowers. Sometimes he buys me sharpie markers cause I am obsessed with them. He buys me Dr. Seuss books and candles. It makes my whole day.

16.  Have a date night.

17.  Write each other hand-written notes. 

18.  Take a deep breath and pray

19. Be attached.  Clinical Psychologist, Sue Johnson writes,“Although our culture has framed dependency as a bad thing, a weakness, it is not. Being attached to someone provides our greatest sense of security and safety"

20. Verbally affirm each other out loud. 

21.  “Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves” Nurture your love. Be tender with yourself and your spouse.