Because I might be one of
them.
You have to know I didn’t
start out this way. I never cared immensely for the idea of fish as pets. After
all growing up, I had a gold fish and a cat fish known affectionately as
“goldie” and “whiskers”. Clearly we were an innovative and creative type
family.
But I also had two cats and a
dog and I was quite honestly obsessed with my dog. Her name was Charnie, and
she was a black Labrador retriever. She was a bundle of energy, unconditional
acceptance with a threatening stubborn streak.
The first book I ever wrote
and published (because my parents ‘published’ it for me by laminating it) was
in third grade. It was all about our dog, Charnie which included detailed
instruction for how to care for your pet, dog.
But that’s beside the point,
let’s get back to the main concept: me being a fish lady.
One morning last spring I
awoke to the strongest drive to go out and get a dog. I’d been wanting a dog
pretty much daily since I left the college dorms 7 years ago. But this
particular morning the urge was so strong that if I couldn’t find a pet to
nurture immediately I felt like I would split open and start nurturing
inanimate objects.
But since our landlord didn’t
allow dogs and we hadn’t saved for a pet fund yet, I had few options. Off Scott
and I went to Petco. Impulsively I
chose to go with a fish. A little purple redish Beta fish specifically. It
wasn’t a very expensive start up fee at all, just a bowl, fish food, a net,
some pebbles, a plant and water cleaner.
I named him Melvin and fell
for him quite quickly. I nurtured him with baths and feeding rituals. I worried
like a crazy fish lady about him when we moved and he refused to eat for 2
weeks. Scott and I greet him in the mornings and wish him good night in the
evenings. When I leave on a trip I wonder how Melvin is doing and hope he
doesn’t get too lonely. Sometimes he’s very active and playful and other times
he’s very serene and still. We feed him gourmet shrimp because he has turned
into an entitled little fish (he must know he’s the only pet around)
Our innate desire to care for
someone, something, other than ourselves is so embedded in who we are as
humans. I feel sheepish about my love for Melvin and a little silly. After,
what exactly does Mevlin do for me? But here’s the thing; there’s reciprocity
in taking care of something other than yourself. You really do get something
out of it.
Whenever I assessed my
clients for depression or suicide I always mentally listed their “protective
factors” (basically something that is
associated with lowering the risk). These things can include, family support,
community resources etc but I always listed caring for something else as a
protective factor. It could be a younger sibling, a pet or a plant. As long as
we aren’t talking about “over-functioning” in an unhealthy way, having something
to care for is essentially caring for your own well-being. It’s teaches
ownership and helps create a sense of empowerment.
It’s in our DNA to care for
others. It’s innate and instinctive. It’s in our deep gut. No matter how badly
we want to believe we don’t need others we do. We need them and they need us.
I worked with a few younger
clients awhile back who had lost pet after pet after pet throughout the years. I did a lot of things to help them grieve the loss of their pets whether it was
by writing them letters, or creating a mail box for them or dreaming up where
they were now. Eventually though, they moved on to different topics and weren't so
interested in writing their pets letters. One day, one of these clients came to therapy and was very
excited about a new game on his tablet. I was listening in the way I do about
games; (because all my clients play tons and tons of games I’ve never even
heard of) and because my husband is a huge game fanatic I’m pretty good at
getting the gist of game rather quickly. Anyway he started talking about these
dragons he takes care of, and creates habitats for. He explained how he feeds
them so they will grow and he even gets to pet them. I couldn’t help but think
that even if everything is ripped out of our hands, we (us little resilient
humans) will find a way to care for something, someone, besides ourselves.
Those little dragons need
some love too.
And so does my little fish,
Melvin.
Because the truth is I need a
whole lot of love and by loving something else, I am essentially pouring love
back into myself. When we give love we receive love and when we receive love we want to give it lavishly away. Funny how that works.
