Thursday, October 8, 2015

How To Grow An Urban Garden*

*Disclaimer: This is to be read in a sarcastic tone. Please don't attempt to try this at home.

Don’t you just love nature? I love the way things grow and sprout up from the ground. I like the smell of fresh leaves after a rain. I adore the way I feel free and alive when I am near flowers and trees. My husband and I are both a bit of a contradiction. We love urban living and we love nature. We so value being able to walk to coffee shops, eateries, bookstores but we also love getting away into the wildness of nature.

So I’ve decided to have both. To live in mid San Diego, soak up the urban life and YES have a garden. I’m bringing the nature to me you guys.

In fact since we are so limited on space, we have decided to have an urban garden in my closet. Yes, MY CLOSET. 

We checked out the community gardens nearby but they had a waiting list and we aren’t patient so it’s happening now.

So listen. Here are the steps to getting an urban garden in YOUR CLOSET in just 7 days..
  1. Most importantly you need to have a neglectful property management. If you want to grow anything apartment style you better hope they don’t notice anything.
  2. Make sure you have an apartment that has lots of leaks/floods and a fragile pipe system preferably. After all, anything that wants to grow NEEDS WATER YOU GUYS. No brainer.
  3. After you have secured a place that offers the potential of a hot water pipe break, then just wait for the magic to get started!
  4. Once your closet has successfully flooded and you have taken all your clothes out (sustainable food is more important than clothes people!) make sure the plumber makes a sizable hole in the wall to reach the pipe. Your garden needs room to grow!
  5. Now is the hard part, just wait a couple days, let the moisture, heat and hole just hang out together.  Once you’ve planted the “seeds” this is a waiting game.
  6. In a few days (day 7 specifically) if you’re lucky and the conditions are right you will start to see MUSHROOMS sprouting up. Right there, in your closet.  URBAN GARDEN WIN.
It’s up to you how you want to use your produce. Mushrooms can be put on your steak, pizza or in your salad. Get creative! You can also sell your produce like farmers market style and set up a little stand in your local town.

I’m considering selling my little mushrooms for about 100 bucks a piece. They are very special mushrooms. I’m not really sure but they just don’t strike me as your typical garden mushrooms. These mushrooms grew out of a wall so they are pretty resilient and I think probably full of magical potions.  They grew like 6 inches overnight. That’s pretty incredible if you ask me.

I can’t stress enough how organic these mushrooms are. At times I had the urge to dump a bucket of bleach all over them because my clothes missed their closet home but I persevered!

It may take discipline and time to build your own urban garden but I’m here to tell you it can happen. You are worth it. Together we can make the world a better place.

Farmer Heather


  1. Oh no!!! Oh Heather I'm so sorry you're still having to deal with this! How awful, I mean seriously a woman needs her closet! OK, time to bring out the big guns, there's nothing else for it! Next time the plumber visits, look him straight in the eye, allow your bottom lip to wibble just a little and cry at him! Let him have it. My inner strong, independent woman is looking horrified at me right now but desperate times call for desperate measures! A woman needs her closet! I so wish I didn't live so far away, so I could cry at him for you, or alternately threaten him with my cane, that could work too :) All joking aside though, I do hope this gets fixed soon, it's downright horrible and health threatening too! Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers Heather and hoping this passes soon, huggles always xx

    1. Rosie! You are too sweet and kind! Thank you so much for validating all my feelings seriously. I feel silly being so upset about my closet when there are far worse things in the world. But you totally understand! It has made me feel crazy. Trying to find clothes for work is just a nightmare! They are all over the room! Thank goodness we are MOVING today. I am so grateful to get away from mold and wet closets!!!
      P.S. If you were here I would so bring you with me to all my confrontations. You are both strong and tender and that is fierce comfinbation. (that and your cane! )

    2. You're moving today! Yaaaaay!! Heather that's wonderful! I'm so, so glad you'll be out of there! Dampness and mould is just the worst thing to live with, causing all kinds of damage to lungs, as well as headaches, chest infections, it's just awful.

      It's not at all silly either to think of the possible damage done to your clothes, added to the sheer, maddening inconvenience of trying to start your day in any way approaching organized, with clothes, shoes and accessories all scattered around wherever there's room for them. Such a stressful situation to have been forced to live with and I'm so, so relieved it's all behind you. Thank you! What a sweet thing to say! I would totally be your cheer squad and cane carrying back up for any and all confrontations :) What a fun image I'm sure between us we'd win every single time :) Sending heaps of very relieved huggles and wishing you all good things in your new home angel xx

    3. Oh we would be unstoppable. We would totally win every time :)