Unfiltered thoughts from an unfiltered face

Well hello there day 5.

At this point in my 30daysnomakeup I'm feeling many different things.

Yesterday I found myself at the mall and felt entirely invisible (and utterly pale and like my eyes were going to shrink into my forehead). There was posters the size of garage doors staring me down. Air brushed and photo-shopped and perfect faces peered at me from every angle and corner. It's that time of year. The holidays. I love this time of year but the malls becomes progressively more and more crowded and chaotic. I feel like everything is screaming for my attention to consume. So many mirrors. The clothing department stores tell me I don't have enough. Never enough! The models plastered to every corner and square inch of space tell me I am not enough in my own skin.

My own skin.

My own skin is hard to be in. I'm embarrassed to say this is harder than I thought it would be. I often forget all about the fact I'm not wearing any make-up, until I look in the mirror. Rather than people being the ones who I fear to judge, I am the one judging myself. After all I don't feel the need to wear make-up around my closest friends or my husband. I never felt a need to wear make-up when I nannied Owen. I am beginning to observe the places and people I feel safe with and around. The little boy I spent years nannying=safe. My husband=safe. Dark Horse Coffee Roasters=safe. Library=safe. The garden outside of the monastery=safe.

I have never felt like "Oh I'm going to see Scott tonight, better put on some make-up or I want to head down to the library! Where is my mascara?!"


Nope. But when I am going somewhere I don't feel emotionally safe I want my make-up bag and I want all my Clinique make-up ready for action.  I am not talking about those times you get dressed up and put on make-up and you feel like a cool artist at work before a glitzy holiday party or a summer wedding or a work presentation. To me, those are fun events where I choose make-up as a form of creativity from my insides. But more often than not, I wear make-up as a barrier. It protects me from others. I don't have to let others really see me.

It's vulnerable.

It feels bare and uncomfortable.

And you know it's okay. Some people may have not earned my trust or respect enough to see the real me. The person behind the gloss. I think if someone doesn't want someone to see their acne because they feel nervous about what other people think that is understandable. It's normal and human. As a therapist working at a high-school I hear so much about bullying. I would never tell my clients to drop their shields if they don't feel safe. Maybe they need their shields.

Sometimes I need mine.

This month I'm observing what has sometimes been used as a shield in my life.

My hope for this month is that I can gradually come to love the woman behind the gloss, the paint, and the ever enticing mascara. She is worth loving and caring for. She is worth being brave for.