Friday, February 25, 2011
Snow White: What a stud.
It's a conclusion but also a confession. My style is definitely Snow White. While I used to be the kind of girl who was convinced that if she slept long and hard enough, she would be awakened by true love, that just was not the case. I woke up to a terrible pounding in my head with no male in sight. I don't think this is how it worked for Sleeping Beauty, but that's the way it worked for me. After much time of playing Barbie’s and watching Disney princesses movies as a child, I fell into a deep sleep and awoke wearing a bra and some plastic applicator shoved up me. The horror! I awoke to being a woman but no MAN was in sight.
Once I got over the horror of horrors I did realize there was some great doctrine to behold from Snow White. She is definitely our oldest and wisest mentor in Disney Princess history. Snow White had seven men. Two things I would like to point:
1. Seven is a good lucky number. Even Jesus likes it.
2. It is always better to have MORE than LESS (and by that I am referring to men) Pretty sure the Bible said, "two is better than one"...you catch my drift.
Snow White had many men who lived with her. They are as follows:
For those of you who are confused by how many "men" are in my life, now you can be certain you know there is seven and they all have names. I'll tell my friends stories and they'll always say, "I can't keep track of your men!" The thing is, they were never "my" men. They were just independent men. Men I was not even dating. But the other day I realized, if Snow White did it, why the heck can't I? Who knows who Snow White was really dating anyway! That's the point. She kept us all our toes. And we are forever grateful.
My "men" :
Mr. Super Hero Dad "I want some Aaaaaa (advil)"
This guy is swell. He is all American stay at home heroic dad. Everyone loves him. All the teachers at art class worship him. The nannies love him. The children cherish him. Well this dad, this married dad who has 3 daughters, decided that me and him and the kids should have what is called a “play date” in nanny circles. Things were fine until he started texting me smiley faces and giving me a play by play on his latest travels with his wife. The day he invited me over to his house (with the KIDS) to have a pool party seemed to be curious. Everything was breaking in his life, his car was at the shop, his windows were broken, the yard man was over, and all he knew was that he could not leave the house, so I had to come over. He assured me women came over all the time. A comforting thought. I definitely recommend this option if you are the home wrecker type. If you aren’t, well you won’t be able to keep up with this HERO dad (He’s EageR and Old)
Mr. Online "Take a Risk if you wanna DIE!":
Now this guy of mine is a true winner for highest risk, highest prize. You might have to re-vamp your definition of "prize" p.s. Anyway I was on a dating site and this guy contacted me. Date time. Where to meet. Well, he was a real free thinker with creativity exploding but had a small tiny limit. He couldn't meet within 400 ft from any school. You know the kind of school that has kids. That shouldn't be a problem since I like coffee shops.
Mr. Perfect Man:
My personal favorite. He was sent to me in package for Valentine’s Day. He is red and wearing army boots. He can grow up to 2-3 times his original size if you place him in water. It’s like magic. This little guy is profound. He doesn’t speak because he is busy growing! That’s really all I need. He’s the most low-maintenance thing I’ve found yet.
Tips to Grow a Boyfriend:
• Place boyfriend in room temperature water
• Your boyfriend will begin to grow within 2 hours and reach full growth within 72 hours. He will slowly shrink to smaller size when removed from water.
• Your boyfriend can be grown over and over again.
Mr. Radio Clubber:
This is the best kind of man. He is with you wherever you go. He is usually with me in the car. He sings to me and tells me how one night stands equal the forever kind of love, the only kind of love you can find at the club.
“So we back in the club
Get that bodies rockin from side to side
Put your hands on my body
Swear I seen you before
I think I remember those eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes
Cause baby tonight, the DJ got us falling in love again”
Come to think of it, the guy is right, he has seen that girl before but he’s always high so it’s hard to remember such a thing.
Mr. Bar Boy:
Bar boy is sneaky and smelly. He smells of alcohol and cigarettes. He hovers too close and leans in too far. He does however make you feel wanted. He is also high. He is the guy that I tried to get off my back by smartly giving him my number so I could leave the bar in peace. He texted me a picture of his socks. To this day I don’t know why. Then 3am rolled around and he called to tell me about his hobbies, fishing and sex. He wanted me to know he was a straight shooter (no pun intended) and also that if I wanted I could come over and smoke a joint (And I had high hopes for fishing and sex!)
Mr Plane “slam it in” Man:
If you have any fear at all of traveling or turbulence this man is a must. He will get your mind off the turbulence and rocky ride of the airplane. Just tell him you’re studying to be a therapist and he will go into morbid detail about every girl he has dated, how it started and how it ended. He will tell you every awful thing he has done to girls and then charm you even more by buying you a drink. Once again you give him your number to get him “off” your back and get off that plane. Come New Years Eve he is texting and promising he can show YOU a good time at San Diego State. Can’t wait to be added to his roster. The honor.
I would sincerely love to go into a detailed and elaborate story on Mr. Stalker but he is the kind of stalker who will find this blog and read about himself.
There you have it. My seven men. Who are your seven men? Ladies, you gotta admit, Snow White was a genius. Although, while I love my men, I certainly wouldn’t want to live with all of them. Snow White walked on the dangerous wild side, plus she had a witch to deal with too. Thankfully I don’t deal with that. On second thought, passing out (due to the insane amount of creep and freak), might be a better option. Maybe Sleeping Beauty actually had it going on.
Author’s Note Part I: These stories are true and taken from actual life circumstances experienced by the author herself.
Author’s Note Part II: The part of the story that is not true but mildly sarcastic is the fact that the author wants seven men. She wants six men. She left Mr. Stalker behind.