20 Signs that you ARE INDEED Growing Up

Being 29 years old has made me think about a lot of things. It's crazy to think that in a few short months I will head into a whole new decade. The 30sssssssss. It's made me think about how I've grown in my 20's. The idea of becoming an adult is so vague, so gradual, you barely realize it's happening and then suddenly you look back and think, wow, I'm kind of adultish! (Besides the fact that I STILL enjoy snuggling random puppies in the neighborhood,  and STILL have the urge to jump on hotel beds as well as  STILL thinking that a hand stand in the pool is pretty cool. I also generally need prizes to motivate me just like I did when I was a child. )

Maybe I'll write a blog next on "signs that you'll always remain a child at heart". But for now, here's the trusty signs that you are becoming an ADULT!!! Celebrate your stunning adult life!

1.    You have learned how to say no. (this is the height of luxury!!!!)

2.   You have learned how to use other kitchen appliances besides the microwave and the keurig.

3.   You know what a savings account is.

4.   You don’t plan your weekends around hangovers anymore.

5.   You don't have to be like everyone else to be happy.

6.   Dashboard Confessional is no longer your favorite band.

7.  .You don’t make jokes about gender, disability, or race. (and hopefully you never did…but now you at least know these are real issues with real wounds)

8.   Good health insurance excites you like nothing else!!!

9.   You are able to listen to other perspectives besides your own.

10.  You vote in the elections instead of complaining about the government.

11.  You know what the word empathy means and you can remember the last time you accessed it on behalf of someone else’s pain.

12.  You no longer believe you are invincible. You willingly take vitamins. Sometimes you go to the doctor. You don’t brag about “never being sick”. 

13.   You have a faint understanding of what a 401k is.

14.   Instead of using non-real adjectives to describe experiences or feelings, such as “that’s so gay” or “that’s retarded” or “I want to bang him” you put your grammar to good use and use a thesaurus when struggling.

15.   Doing laundry is now an event. You can’t go out.

16.    It is exciting to go to Target to get cleaning products.

17.     It’s a relief to go to bed by 10pm. Extra fun points for reading in bed.

18. You've figured out what you believe and what your values are. 

19.  You don't have to have alcohol to have a fun time.

20. You don't let life happen to you. You are intentional with what you are after. 

Clearly this is something adults do. 

Endocrinologist! Needles! Sprouty Bread! Oh my!

I thought it was about time I gave you all a little update on my recent pre-diabetes diagnosis. A couple weeks ago I had my first appointment ever with an endocrinologist. She had kind eyes and a way of listening that kept me talking.

She told me I didn't need medication yet to manage it, nor did I need insulin. Rather she talked about nutrition and balance. She said she wanted to re-test my H1C again in June (which spans your blood sugar levels over a 3 month time period). She didn't say anything that made me feel labeled or scared. And she did NOT mention a thing about weight much to my relief. In fact she told me if I wanted to eat cake I should. (well, she's just the best !)

She gave me blood sugar test strips, a lancet and a monitor. Scott and I have …let's just say…"convenient" fears and phobias. Scott is deathly afraid of needles. The first time I went to the acupuncturist he sat in a chair in the corner FACING the wall as if he was in a time-out corner. I do not look at his face when I give blood because usually he is cringing his face so hard it looks like he's going to crack open like dried dirt. Unfortunately I am not all that innocent. I don't' handle blood that well…specifically blood that comes out of me. I can look at blood and feel fine but something about it coming out of me makes me pass out.

Therefore this whole needle+blood thing I now had to do was quite the adventure! I am proud to say that I can now test my blood sugar without passing out and Scott can be in the same room as me and not face the opposite wall.

Progress people!

Another point of progress has been getting used my nutritionist's recommendations for my meal plan. Enter MASSIVE breakfast. Ezekiel bread. And ALL of the protein. At least that's what it's felt like to me. I'm happy to say I have actually become used to the sprouty, gritty taste of the bread AND have found I am far less shaky in the mornings. I can now have my coffee without shaking my way till lunch. Little did I know that a bowl of cereal was just not enough for me.

So there you have my update; ezekiel bread, needles and the endocrinologist. Thank you for all your prayers, continued support and love you've given me!

Needles+Blood=Grumpy Faces

Can Women Have IT ALL (Part 3)

Welcome back to Part 3 of my series on Can Women Have IT ALL! Now it's time to share the hardest part of my "do's and don'ts" I created my list of what I don't do. I am telling myself that creating this list is to set me free so I can prioritize my DO list. It's always been hard for me to say no. I am learning though. Sometimes saying "no" is the brave and sacred act of my day. 

My nature is more, but this season is less. Paring down to barer bones, making space, scraping away. We love big stories, ones that involve passports, mountains and photo-ops. But sometimes being courageous means less, quieter, stiller, smaller." -Shauna Niequist

THINGS I DON'T DO:

I don’t do dry cleaning. If you are a high-maintenance shirt, tough luck to you-you are going in the washing machine like all my other clothes. Stop trying to be better than the others.

I don’t clean out my email inbox…I know I know…but time is finite.

I don’t do sexism and I don’t hang out with people who are fiercely committed to this. I don’t hang out with people who only discuss how their and other people’s bodies look as well as their next work out plan.

I don’t support inequality or injustice.

I don’t bully my body.

I don’t really take out the trash or do recycling (please be kind to me). I don’t sew. I don’t garden, though I might like to someday.

I don’t wear heels.

I don’t wear fancy sunglasses and I don’t color my hair monthly. My roots are just going to be there and I hope it doesn’t offend anyone.

And this one is just so difficult for me to say, because I love giving gifts, but sending gifts 24x a year across the country is no longer sustainable. My immediate family receives gifts from me. And Scott. After that, a handful of close friends who live in San Diego MIGHT receive a prize at some point.

I do not seek to make my apartment a “show home” from HGTV even though I would secretly love it. Sterile clean is not sustainable for me. Sometimes I have piles.

I don’t do perfection. I aim to be present and kind and brave, not perfect.

I don’t do a lot of math, spread sheets or things involving numbers. I don’t enjoy paying bills, it makes me dizzy. (okay, but we DO pay our bills)

I seek to not shame myself. I seek not to shame others.

I don’t tan or lay at the beach to do so. I will burn. I don't do facial appointments. However I will use cucumbers and my own homemade version of one. 

 I don’t wear anything that tries to squish my neck. I don’t wear tight clothes because I value breathing. I buy extra large leggings and this is truth.

I don’t add extra things to my schedule to feel worthy or productive.

I don’t talk on the phone every day like I used to. I need one day where I “un-plug”.

I don’t keep my car clean besides throwing out old coffee cups.

I don’t work 40+ hours a week because I value my emotional energy for my clients and myself MORE than the 40+ hours would make for me financially.

I don’t cook or bake but I make. I make salad, sandwiches and the occasional dinner. I make candles and my own dry shampoo and make-up remover. I make my own wall art and stationary sometimes too. I do not make my own scarves, pillows or blankets. I do not upholster anything. I don’t even know what it means.

I don’t go to concerts, clubs or bars after 9pm. It is too loud and I am too tired.

I don’t volunteer for 10 nonprofits. I don’t save the world even though I desperately want to. I focus on my own backyard (ahem, cement porch) and take deep breath. I focus on living my story and not someone else’s.

Can Women Have IT ALL Part 2

Today I am continuing the conversation I started in my last blog regarding if women can have it. I've been working on my list. Today is about the things I do. I assume creating a list of things I "don't do" so I can prioritize the things I really care about will be a bit more challenging. My personality wants to DO IT ALL. But alas, you saw what happens to my face when I try DO IT ALL…. 

THINGS I DO*:

I do want my life to face and be towards Jesus. I do believe I need a rescue, always, and every day. I believe other people want that rescue too. I want to live a life that exemplifies freedom. I want my life to be about something more powerful and more divine than what meets the eye. I believe my body is created in God’s image and I am a sacred temple.

Therefore I do eat. I eat intuitively and am mindful of nutrition.

I also sleep, as rest is essential in life to be productive. I also believe sleep, rest and being still are some of my most sacred acts just like eating is. This is what I offer up to God.

I do therapy. I write a lot. I blog. I read gallons. I do book clubs. I do research. I educated on what is close to my heart. I care greatly about my adolescent clients.

I do funny because I need comic relief in my life.

I do take time to get deep tissue massages for my sore muscles. I also get my nails done from time to time.

I make time for movement. I take nature walks and do yoga.

I do love nature, fresh air, and weather; especially rain. 

I invest in good supportive shoes.

I do make the bed, but I hide a lot of stuff under the bed.

I do grocery shopping and I clean our tiny place with Scott’s help. My favorite is dusting.

I make time for art.

I always make time for coffee.

I prioritize my relationships with my flood community, my neighborhood and my friends. I do make time for my “safe and tender” people. I make time to do life together, to have meals together, play games, have picnics at the bay, have coffee dates or go on double dates together.

I do prioritize my family (which includes Scott’s family!) I do this through phone calls, text messages, letter writing and when finances permit, traveling to see them as they live in northern California, New Hampshire, North Dakota, South Dakota, Oklahoma, Florida, and Minnesota.

My sisters and I send prizes in the mail to each other.

I make time for Owen because I have known him since he was 15 months old and I love him dearly.

I make time to write E-beth snail mail because our friendship since third grade is very important to me.

Scott and I do go to church but not every day or every week even. We go to church related workshops and we love hearing our friends speak. 

I make Scott and our marriage deep and meaningful through intentional conversation and quality time. Right now, we make time for dates nights 1x a week. We practice “dream night” where we spend time intentionally pursuing our hobbies and every Saturday morning we go to our favorite coffee shop and have a “reading party”. We pray and list out what we are grateful for each night as we hit the pillow.

I do travel. Not all the time but I am okay with giving up a week of pay if that means exploring the world more, seeing my family or re-connecting with Scott on a romantic get-away. I might not be able to go out of the country yearly but I can usually get in my car and at least drive somewhere new.

I do make time to see my therapist. 

I do empathy and self-care and validation. 

I defend and advocate for society's definition of the "weak, vulnerable and highly sensitive". 

I do doctor appointments and dentist appointments even though I don’t like them. I do essential oils and I love them. 

*Clearly this is not an entirely exhaustive list. For example if I was to tell you everything I do, you might fall off your seat of boredom. I do wash my hands too ya'll. And I do shower from time to time. I check the mail too.

Can Women Have It ALL (Part I)

I watched this Propel video recently and it really made me think about my belief system regarding my gender and what is socially and culturally expected of me. 

Can women have it all?

This has been rolling around in my head for awhile. It seems that in today’s society and culture women are expected to do A LOT. There is this unwritten TOXIC message that says if you are a stay-at-home-mother, you are CLEARLY not a feminist and don’t care about your career and then there is this other unwritten message that says if you are a career woman and don’t have any babies then CLEARLY you don’t care about families and being warm and nurturing.

So…the solution to this? DO IT ALL. Have an amazing education,  a bad-ass career, be a mother and DO IT ALL looking hot and maintaining a clean and pristine home.

Well how absurd and ridiculous. But who hasn’t bought into this lie at least a little bit? I know I have and I don’t even have children. But Scott and I want kids. And it all makes me feel like I need to race, speed, full throttle it all the way to career bliss while simultaneously making babies. Good grief.

I read this stunning quote Shauna Niequist wrote in her latest book Savor and later in her book, Bittersweet; that has made me stop and think quite a bit the past few days. It’s made me think about how time is finite and so is energy and being everything to everyone and doing it all perfectly might not be as sustainable as I had previously hoped.

“It’s not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What’s hard, she said, is figuring out what YOU’RE WILLING TO GIVE UP, in order to do the things YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT….”

So Shauna went on to make a list. She made a list of things she does and things she doesn’t do. She writes about giving her best to raise her sons, but she doesn't scrapbook. She works hard to be a good writer but doesn't pain her fingernails or do major home improvement projects. She said this list set her free.  Since I love lists like I love lab puppies and cold brew coffee, I figured this would be a good activity for me. I'm going to take some time to think through my lists of "do's" and "dont's" I plan to blog about them soon. Maybe you can join me and let me know what things you are giving up in order to do what you really care about. 

 This picture portrays how I look and feel when I try to DO IT ALL. 

Feeling Blecky

Here's something.

I'm feeling blecky.

And by that I mean I am both blessed and lucky. 

To be blecky is to encounter good even though I don't deserve it or didn't strive for it. It happened and it feels like a fluke or a strange phenomenon but I am grateful. 

I've just decided that these two words need to merge. Being the highly spiritual Christian I am, I have always said, "I am so blessed!" #blessed

But there's something about that statement alone that made me feel weird. I wondered if it sounded like I was blessed but meanwhile other people were simply cursed and it all came from the same superstitious God upstairs.

The problem of pain is not something I will get into, but it deserves to be noted. If I have an amazing husband and you don't does that mean I'm blessed and you just got the shaft? If I make all the money in the world but you live in poverty does that mean I'm blessed and you got screwed?

From what I gather via the smarty pants dictionary; blessed essential means to have a sacred nature, to be connected with God, or something that is very welcome, pleasant, appreciated or held in reverence.

This makes me think of the Beautitidues in Matthew 5 with verses such as "Blessed are the poor spirit"… I guess it's different than… "Yeah, I recovered from my flu in just two days! I guess I'm really blessed with a good immune system"

The more I think about it, the more I think to be blessed has something to do with the quiet space inside of us and less with external circumstances. I just think of the woman who is infertile only to hear her friend say she is pregnant because she is "blessed". I can't imagine that feels very good.

Now, the word lucky seems less disarming. It has less of a staunch feeling to it. Lucky according to the dictionary means to produce a good result by chance. Luck basically means the accidental way things happen without being planned.

I kinda like that. I feel like life is kind of mix of blessings and luck if you will. I realize living in the gray here isn't always very appreciated when so much of our world wants us to live in extreme blacks and whites. But the truth is that horrible awful things happen to people who know and love Jesus, who seek Him. And wonderful, amazing things happens to people who know and love Jesus. I just feel like I don't have any right to be spewing about how 'blessed' I am because no one in my family has experience racisim for example, when my neighbor experiences it every day. Is being blessed like a weapon? If we speak it over ourselves will it hide us away from pain? I think not, and rather, Jesus says, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." When was the last time someone was crying and grieving the loss of something and stated, "I'm blessed because I mourn?"
Pretty different than what I think of being blessed. 

So for me, my personal definition of the word "blecky" is:

God is connected to me and I experienced something good and it feels accidental and I have no idea why. And I am grateful. 

The end. 

I feel blecky to have him in my life