Summer Reading List

Summer is here! Longer days and warmer nights! We plan our vacations and school is out. As for Scott and I we have approximately 4 trips planned all to see family as well as go to Young Life Camp. So you better believe I've been reading on those planes! 

About 3 weeks ago I passed my first state exam (Laws and Ethics) to become a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. 

I'm ready for a little break now before I tackle my next exam so I plan to spend some time reading and (hopefully) writing! Here is what I am currently reading or have read recently: 

"The Great Divorce" by C.S. Lewis

I just finished this book today! Scott suggested I read it since I really liked Rob Bell's book "Love Wins". There's a lot of controversy about heaven and hell historically in Christianity and I wanted to see what this book was all about. It was really interesting. It reads like a fiction book with characters and dialogue but feels a bit like a dream or parable or allegory. Lewis' thinking was quite progressive for his time and our time alike. He seems to alude that anyone can go to Heaven. I also really like how Hell is depicted. It's not your traditional fire and darkness (which btw, how does that even work?!) with devils and pitchforks. Hell is called "grey town" and it just a cold, grey, joyless place. Lewis' whole idea is that the gates of Hell are locked from the inside. Heaven is for everyone who wants it.

There were some parts that were confusing to me, partially because of the language and partially because it was hard to visualize what Lewis was describing. I also did not like the end but I am a happily-ever-after kind of ending gal so no surprise there.

"Self-Compassion" by Dr Kristin Neff

Dr. Neff is the "Brene Brown" for research on self-compassion. I have to say that reading all of Brene Brown's books on shame has honestly revolutionized the way I approach myself and others. Now that I understand shame, I'm excited to dive more into what it means to show self-compassion and kindness to myself. Psychologists are continuing to move away from the "self-esteem" talk and instead pursue compassion because it's proven to be more effective. I'm only about 1/3 of the way through the book. It's really good but also pretty dense. She has exercises for you to practice as well which feel cheesy at first but are very helpful. I want to integrate more of her work into my therapy wiht my clients as well as in my personal life. You can also take her  Self-Compassion Test online. I scored a 2.42 which means I am on the low side of moderate as far as self-compassion goes. So there is room for growth! The quiz scores things like self-kindness, self-judgment and mindfulness and breaks it up into categories. I highly recommend taking it! 

"We Should All Be Feminists" by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

I think everyone should read this book. (yes everyone) It is a really quick read (as in you can read it in 20 minutes!) The book is based off of her TED talk which you can watch here. I'm sure everyone who reads this book will pick up something new and inspiring. As I'm already a feminist the concept wasn't new to me but I did learn some things. She raises awareness on how women are marginalized around the world today both in big acts and small ones.  I really resonated with her discussion on women's clothing. Often, to be taken more seriously as a professional, women feel pressure to dress more like a stereo-typical male. I have found this to be so true in my own life. Often I fear not being taken seriously if I dress too feminine. But if you think about the reverse, such as men dressing more stereo-typically female, they won't be taken seriously at all. It's cute and all when a girl dresses like a "tom boy" but when a boy dresses too "girly" people start to raise their eyebrows. This is so unfair and sexist. Why are we embarrassed to embrace femininity (rhetorical question here, history has clearly shown us why)

"Bossypants" by Tina Fey

Okay every now and then you just need to re-read one of your favorite books. This is my second time reading this book. It is hilarious! Tina Fey is so witty and smart. She writes about how women can be funny and still be women in her unique snarky way. (what a novel concept). I love her chapter on all the pressures women face to look perfect and I also love her chapter on being a mother. They both have me laughing out loud. 

"Brazen-The Courage To Find The You That’s Been Hiding" by Leeana Tankersley

Many of you who live in the San Diego area might know Leeana Tankersley as she and her husband and their three adorable kids reside here. She’s also the author of Found Art and Breathing Room (of which I read both). I adore her writing. I was lucky enough to be on her launch team which basically meant I promoted her book via my social media. (We all know how much I can rave about a book I love).  If you are my friend or family member you have received countless books from me or been talked into countless books by me (you’re welcome).

Anyway back to this book. I’m struggling to summarize it because it was SO good and my English language is failing me. This book talks about living without shame, coming out of hiding, being at home with yourself and knowing how worthy and loved we are. Her book talks about how to receive your identity, reclaim your voice and recover your soul. The book is peppered with her own personal stories both which are hilarious and give you the deep exhale (the “me too, thank God I’m not alone) feeling.

Mostly I loved the way she talked about her faith and God. It is very rare for me to really resonate with the way authors talk about faith. I have grown tired and weary of the way mainstream evangelical Christian authors write. This isn’t really a bash on them. In all honesty it just further cemented the idea in my head that something was wrong with me. I just couldn’t seem to relate to the way authors talked about God. And if I’m being really vulnerable, it’s been hard for me to connect with the way the majority of Christians talk about God. It’s left me feeling isolated and different. (I mean different in a way that makes you feel anxious not cool and unique).

Once I discovered authors like Rachel Held Evans and Glennon Doyle Melton I finally started to feel like maybe, just maybe, I could experience faith a different way. Maybe it was okay for me express it differently. Leeana’s words fell on me like soft warm light and set me free to listen (rather than reject) all the parts of me that felt suspicious of mainstream Christianity. She reminded me that God knows our stories and does not abandon them. God arrives in the way we will receive. She talked about how God reminded her that the Triune God transcends gender. Wowwwwwwww did I love this you guys.

I had a very similar image of God as Leeana describes in her book. (a white middle aged Dutch dude) She completely normalized why I would feel odd and uncomfortable being alone praying while this dude watched me from the corner of the room. (not very comforting) She talks about how throughout Scripture God visited people in many forms and faces such as a burning bush, a cloud, a teacher, a carpenter, a friend, a strong wind, a mother, a Savior. She talks about expanding throughout her book, (rather than clinging to staying small, we embrace big). And so since then, I have been wondering, maybe God is actually inviting me to expand my image Her beyond the white Dutch dude? (not that I have anything against Dutch dudes!)

I could go on and on, chapter by chapter on this book but I don’t want to share all it’s treasures! I want to save some so you can go out and buy the book. And if you happen to want to read more about my thoughts on the book or about one of my favorite chapters  head on over to this post about being frivolous. (and why it's awesome)

"The Mysterious Benedict Society" by Trenton Lee Stewart

This was such a fun novel! It’s very clever and has well-developed characters. It’s full of suspense, mystery and adventure. The book starts off with an ad in the newspaper requesting children to come take a test of intelligence. If they pass the test they are sent on a secret mission. Four kids pass the test with varying degress of intellect. I love that the author doesn’t promote one type of intellect but focuses on traits such as love, loyalty, resourcefulness and working together as a team. 

"Christy Miller" 12 book series by Robin Jones Gunn 

Yes I am re-reading a childhood favorite and have been happily transported back to my teen years! I love Robin Jones Gunn as an author. Even all these years later (15 to be exact-whoa!) I can still sense the author’s sincere love and passion for her readers and for story-telling. These are your happily-ever-after books with strong Christian themes (and trigger warning: lots of purity culture talk) As an adult I feel much more grounded reading these books and have loved being transported back to the beach, to Christy’s family and friends and all her travels. These books are completely cheesy and I honestly love them. I finished book 10 last night. #shameless #christianromance

"The Collected Poems of Emily Dickinson" by Emily Dickinson and Rachel Wetzsteon

I don't know what to say about this except sometimes you need a little poetry in your life.  And do you have a theory on Emily Dickinson? There is so much mystery surrounding this woman. Did she have social anxiety? Was she a lesbian? Was she an under-cover women's rights activist? Either way her writings on nature, love and eternity are beautiful. 

What are you reading this summer? Any good recommendations? 

A Charming Tale: My Latest Pet Peeve

All they talk about is their baby!*

They used to be able to hang out.

My friends are getting married and having babies and I'm here living my dream on the beach. I win! 

She/He seems exhausted all the time.

She/He  used to be so passionate about her career.

I’m so sick of hearing about baby stuff!

While all my friends are getting married and having babies and shit, I'm over here like: I'M IN SCHOOL BITCHES!

Everyone's over here like hey I'm having babies and I'm like hey who wants to get drunk and travel the world?

And my least favorite of all: “All my friends are having babies and I’m just trying to figure out where to travel next!” *

So I might get in a little bit of hot water over here but I want to deconstruct these phrases or even this way of thinking. These memes I find all over social media and the internet are the opposite of kind.  I can’t tell you how many people have said to me, “All they talk about is their baby. UGH!!!” They think I will empathize due to the fact that I DO NOT HAVE KIDS however I have felt myself cringing every time. I feel confused about why they are complaining about their friend’s newest member of the family. 

And here’s the thing, a woman who has just had a baby is a total bad ass. Let’s break it down. She has literally had a human life push it’s way out of her vaginal canal. Or had a little baby air-lifted magically via the C section. Either way she has gone through A LOT.  Why are we mad about this?  A woman has just given LIFE. Her entire body and brain has never gone through anything this dramatic and miraculous. EVER.

I recently had someone verbally gag when I said I was going to a baby shower and she said, “UGH, I mean are you into that kind of thing?”

Um…you mean procreation? You mean populating the earth?

I didn’t know what to say.

I can’t handle how straight up rude it is for people to disrespect women who are pregnant with babies or just had a baby and now want them to go right back to talking about their careers and passions and how they will lose the baby weight. I want to literally pull my hair out.

How would we feel if a baby squirted poop on us all day and was stuck to our nipple all day? How would our ears feel after hearing screaming all day? And then to have our friend come over and think it’s not glamorous enough for his/her taste. It makes me crazzzzyyyy. Her focus isn't on her latest hobbies or her most fun passions right now because she’s keeping a baby alive for crying out loud.

We need to give her some support. Tell her she’s a bad ass and remind her that we are not a shallow duck of a friend. And for that matter, let's give new fathers some support. When I told Scott about the memes he was offended for new mothers and fathers alike! 

It can't be easy for someone to watch the person they are madly in love with go through the kind of pain labor can bring on. It can't be easy to hear the woman you believe to be stunning, harshly critique all the changes her body is going through. If fathers-to-be want to talk about their partner's birth plan I think this should be okay. 

And as it's becoming increasingly more normal for men to stay at home with their babies as their partners pursue their career I think we should applaud this rather than resent the fact that these fathers are exhausted and talk about their babies all day long. From my work experience,  I've encountered lots of stay at home dads or dads who have full custody. They are so passionate about their kids from everything to their first words, their first steps, what they fed them and what kinds of toys they like and their education. Of course they aren't going to be able to grab a beer on a random week night when they have spent all day with their new baby and have to start all over again the next morning bright and early.  

Why would we act like we are so much better and cooler cause what…we can travel and we don’t have a baby screaming in our ears and gripping our boob?! 

So maybe breast feeding versus baby formula, cloth diapers versus disposable diapers aren’t your favorite subjects! But guess what? Is the DMV, paying student loans and doing dishes your favorite subject? No! But it's part of life. This is a new parent's world now and they are responsible for the tiny life they hold. (A little more significant than keeping our cars alive and dishes clean I might add)

If our friend went through cancer or a job loss or bought a brand new house or went on a big trip, would we be rude and say "I'm sick of hearing about your interviews, job applications, chemotherapy, or culturally diverse food!" It’s so inconsiderate. And yet we do it. I hear it all the time. 

Why is it okay to talk poorly of new mothers or fathers?! This is the season the mother or father is in and why can’t we embrace this season and hold them through it. It can be extremely hard and isolating as well as rewarding and exciting. But it certainly should not be met with patronizing statements.

 Why are we dissecting every new mother's move and every choice like she’s a celebrity in People Magazine. We discuss whether or not she went back to work. Whether she breast fed or not.  We discuss her weight and how amazing it was that she “lost the baby fat”. All the while she did something far more miraculous, inspiring and life changing than do a “before and after” shot. Let’s all remember she had to gain weight to BIRTH LIFE. 

And just a side note: those who have the resources and means to travel are lucky and are rare. Just because we ARE NOT having kids doesn’t mean we necessarily get to travel. Most don’t come from such a state of privilege in which recreational and personal travel is the norm. So while not intentional, we are hurting recent mothers/fathers AND those who cannot afford to travel for fun. The population I work with can only dream of that kind of luxury. It doesn’t mean they are any less independent, strong or free than us, it just means they don’t have the income for that plane ticket. And let's be real; mothers and fathers travel too because their babies can fly for free so it's quite extreme to declare that one gets to travel INSTEAD of having babies. Some do both. Some do neither. Let's be kind to all. 

In conclusion, let’s cut these new mothers some slack and stop saying, “All they talk about is their kids or babies!”

God forbid they would talk about the human life they brought forth. Am I right?!

It’s not okay to downplay something as special and meaningful as having kids. They are sacrificing a lot of themselves to have them and I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of. 

Many of our moms did this for us. My mom did it for me! And guess what...she also went on to travel, write a book, get her Masters degree, her PhD and be a professor. But I can assure you she wasn't telling new moms to stop talking about their babies or bragging about her next travel adventure and calling people bitches. Good grief, she's much too classy for that.

I think if anything we can celebrate them and communicate our needs and wants with them (because after all, friendship is a two way street). If our friend who just had a baby goes MIA for an entire year, we have some space to say something! And if we are truly going through a grieving process about not having children, or finding someone we want to grow a family with, rather than saying "I win! I'm at the beach!" maybe talk to a safe friend, check in with a therapist, ask God to help you face the loss rather than make everyone else feel bad about having children. And if you happen to be someone who has decided not to have children, that is okay too! But that doesn't give us a right to judge those who are having children. 

And just for the record, all my friends ARE having babies and I be like YAY!!! And also, want to see 500 pictures of my new puppy?!

*I would like to note that being a mother or father is not the only identity one may have. One can be a parent as well as a creator, artist, writer, doctor, educator, sister, brother, daughter, son, friend and etc. I am not advocating that a female or male's significant role is only motherhood/fatherhood. We are all shot through with the divine and are image bearers of God. 
** Also how is "my friends are having babies" and now "I'm traveling" connected? It doesn't make sense. People with babies travel. People without babies travel. It's like two phrases that don't belong together. It'd be like if I said, " People be brushing their teeth... I'm gonna buy a goat" Or "People be farmers....I'm gonna go be a doctor" Or "People be in school...I just be farting" Or "People loving that beach life....I be like gonna go grab a coffee" Or "Going to the gym.... I be like I just bought a puppy!!!" Or "People be itching their butts....I be like I slept for 10 hours!"  Or make me stop pleaseeeee....

Last Minute Therapy Intervention When You Are Running Low On Creativity

It's nearing the end of the school year you guys! Kids are taking tests, going on field trips and planning their summers. As a school-site based therapist I am doing more paperwork, closing out files and filling out end of the year forms. With all of this, sometimes it's tricky to think of something creative and fun to do with our clients as we head into summer.

So I decided to create a calm collages! What are they exactly? Basically they are a collage of pictures a that inspire feelings of calmness and relaxation for your client.

You will need:

A pair of scissors
A glue stick
Magazines
Paper

What I do is go through the magazines beforehand and cut out images that I think might be calming or relaxing. I do this so that in session we don't spend the whole time just flipping through a magazine discussing celebrities or agonizing about what actually makes us feel calm.

I also do this because I would rather "screen" (especially working with elementary aged kids) what kind of content they see. I don't want them to have to feel inferior as they flip through endless pages of massive homes and perfectly clean and decorated rooms (how I love you HGTV) or pictures of celebrities before and after shots of weight loss. Ugh. #notcalming

After you've cut out a whole piles of magazine clippings you can just have them ready in case you want to use this intervention at a moment's notice or feel that it would benefit your client if they are feeling especially stressed out, anxious or angry. It's also a great thing to give them before they head into the summer. They can hang it up in their room and look at it when they are feeling big feelings. It's a very fun way for them to access their coping skills rather than just writing down a list in pencil.

You can introduce the intervention anyway you want. Sometimes having them close their eyes and practice deep breathing is a good way to start brainstorming about coping skills that help calm. Or you can jump right in! Depending on how large your paper is, have them pick 5-10 images that inspire the feeling of calm. You can play music or just talk while they choose images and then paste them to their paper. After this is done, I have them discuss why they chose their images. And that's it!

I made one as well for example and because yes I need a calm collage too. With my upcoming exam quickly approaching I too need to be reminded of what relaxes and calms me. My collage includes:

Painting
Washi Tape
A Bubble Bath
Writing
Books

If I was to add one more thing, it would be my puppy Lenny when he is sleepy. He is quite wild when he is not tired so that can be more activating than relaxing. My mornings with sleepy fuzzy Lenny when he is just waking up are some of my favorite!

What things help you feel calm? What are your go-to therapy interventions?

Puppy Love

We have a puppy!!!

Amidst working two jobs and studying for my MFT licensure exam I have felt swallowed up in the hustle and bustle of it all. I have felt like I am underground and my hope is that I'll come up for air come June after I've taken the exam. 

But I simply have to tell you about our newest family member and share some pictures. While raising a puppy is quite a bit of work I can't think of something more comforting, cozy and calming then coming home to our little Lenny after a long day.

We received Leonard about 2 months ago from a local animal shelter. Apparently little Lenny was a stray wondering around either in Mexico or Imperial County before he was picked up. Their best guess was that he was about 4 months old. And his breed is a total wild card but he is supposedly a mix between a shepherd, pug and beagle. 

I am SO grateful we are able to rescue the little guy and give him a forever home. We are madly in love (almost embarrassingly so). He has brought us so much happiness and laughter. I can't imagine being without a dog now. Here are a few pictures!

10 Things Everyone Needs To Know Before They Became A Marriage and Family Therapist*

This past year I have been interviewed a number of times on my MFT profession for various academic projects students are working on. I decided that it might be nice if I put together a condensed version of all my interviews so that if anyone is thinking about becoming or pursuing this career option, they can check out my list of 10 things to know or questions to ask before they enter the field!

I've been thinking about my career a lot as I am on the last couple legs of this "marathon". I have finished all 3,000 experiential hours and am currently studying for my first licensure exam. I am nervous and excited and am so beyond grateful for the friends and family I have who have supported me through this entire process. 

1. It’s a long process. Here is a timeline: 

• Bachelors Degree (4 years).
• Masters Degree (3-4 years depending on school requirements). 
• Practicum (1-2 years depending on practicum site and how many experiential hours your school requires). 
• Internship (3-6 years depending on how many experience hours your agency can offer. In the state of California you need 3,000 hours). 
• Once hours are completed, you submit a thick application for licensure. Once approved, you can register for exams and begin studying. 
• There are two licensing exams (the exam process can take up to 1 year from what I’ve been told). 
• Waiting on results from exam can take anywhere between a couple weeks to a couple months. But once you receive notice of passing and receive licensure number you’ll an official LMFT. Hooray! 

2. It is costly. 

You are in school for many years so student loans are just a part of the deal. In addition to the cost of school, many internships are unpaid and usually the ones that are paid, don't pay well. Typically, this means little to no pay from the time you start school until the time you are licensed. The price you end up paying isn't just in the cost of the degree, but also in the loss of potential income you could have made in another career.

3. Are you a one-kind of career person? 

Being a Marriage and Family Therapist (especially in states where standards are really high) is a career for life. It’s not a hobby or a part-time gig or something to do if you get bored of your other career. It’s not a back-up plan. It is the plan. 

4. It takes passion. 

Like many careers, you need a heavy dose of passion and drive to pursue this as a career. For this specific field you need to have a passion for people and their stories. You need to have a passion for helping those who are in pain. 

5. Have others described you as empathetic? 

You’ll need some empathy. Of course there is the academic side to becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist but what about the practical side? Does empathy come natural for you? Empathy is a very large part of what therapists practice for their clients. The ability to access your own story and where you have felt similar feelings in life (such as deep loneliness, fierce anger or paralyzing anxiety) keeps us sharp and in tune with our clients own feelings. 

6. You'll want to be a naturally curious person. 

You’ll want to be a naturally curious person. Be inquisitive. Ask the hard questions. While we are not detectives, I often feel like one as a therapist as I seek to connect dots and find missing puzzle pieces while conceptualizing a case. Curiosity is so essential because it also causes us to be resourceful and creative. This keeps the wonder in the therapy room realizing that every client who walks in the door has something special or unique about them. No story or voice is just typical. Curiosity is about having a desire to learn or know something and in this case, you want to know your client. 

7. You gotta stay classy. 

What I mean is that you absolutely cannot go around sharing your client's story** and that includes their family of origin, their ethnicity, their presenting problem, their psychosocial history, their trauma, or specifics about their culture. I'm largely an external processor at heart so trust me when I say this hasn't been easy for me. I come to some of my greatest conclusions by talking through things, but just because you are an external processor does not mean you need to be a public processor. You know how if you go on a missions trip to ____, there are lots of pictures taken proving that you essentially did all this work and helped this group out? With therapy you don’t get to put your clients up as a profile picture.  Every day therapists advocate for social justice for their clients but due to confidentiality as well as ethical and legal guidelines, nothing can be shared especially on social media. Cases are best discussed in supervision or during consultations with fellow therapists. It can be very harmful to our clients to exploit their stories even when we have the best of intentions. In other words, dial back the do-gooder bragging and stay classy.  

8. You’re going to need a lot of courage.

You're going to have to face yourself. All the parts of yourself that you would just rather avoid or forget about have to be faced. This is no easy task. Depending on what you have gone through or experienced you’re going to need to do some deep soul work. If you don’t know yourself, it will be very hard to know your clients. If you haven’t faced your own trauma, addressing your client’s trauma will be very tricky and robotic at best. If you are courageous enough to face your most fragile and vulnerable self you will have a lot more to offer your clients. I can honestly say that all the work I have done on myself has made me a better therapist because I know what it's like to sit with my pain. 

9. How do you feel about paperwork?

There’s a lot more paperwork involved than you would think. When I started graduate school and envisioned being a therapist, it involved me talking with people about their pain, their stories and how they wanted to change. I didn't think that even after school I would still be doing SO much paperwork. It's a profession that demands a lot of organization regarding the records and files that you keep on clients. 

10. Are you comfortable with those that are different from you? 

You’ll need to be at ease talking with a wide range of people. Clients come from diverse racial, ethnic, socioeconomic and cultural backgrounds. They may not be like you at all. You’ll want to have good interpersonal skills so you can create a safe environment so those you work with can trust you.

*In the state of California specifically, other states have different requirements. 
**There are books that do discuss the profession of therapy where authors will discuss previous clients or cases. From what I understand,  this only happens when consent is given, the names are changed and the therapy has been terminated.

Why It's Okay To Love What You Love

Sometimes I get a little “buzzy” as I like to call it. I don’t mean the buzz from a glass of wine or even the buzz from a cup of coffee. I mean the brain buzz. And generally my buzzy buzzard self emerges when I’m feeling vulnerable, a little on edge and well…holding my breath. 

Scott left this past week for his grandfather’s memorial service in Colorado. Since I had never met his grandfather, I stayed back with Lenny our puppy. The first night I awoke around 1:30 am from horrible nightmares so the second night alone I had to do something before bed to calm myself. (other than the obvious: have Lenny sleep in the bed with me). 

I decided to read the next chapter in the book I’m currently reading right now called Brazen by Leeana Tankersley. I spoke briefly about it in my last blog  but it’s all about finding our true selves, living without shame, reclaiming our voice and living from a place of worthiness and becoming. She talked about how she has this desire to be creative and expressive but often is feels frivolous. This feeling stunts the creative process and rather than exploration emerging, one can end up feeling paralyzed. 

What stood out most to me was her list towards the end of the chapter of things she loves, “the frivolous things." This list was a privilege to read as it can be almost embarrassing to admit what we like. It feels silly or immature or superficial. Reading her list opened up this little crack of light inside of me, encouraging me to explore what it might be shining on. 

So that night before bed, with a police search helicopter above my apartment, all my doors locked and dead bolted and locked again, and with little Lenny curled up in a fuzzy ball next to me, I began my own list. The list of what I love. I wrote it in my journal and laid it by my nightstand and slept soundly. 

I woke up the next morning and felt a little silly because that worked. My nerves were calmed because I spent some time thinking about what I loved before I drifted off to sleep. It was such a free and un-filtered list. 

You know how lists can be rather rigid? Like if it’s a list about your hobbies, you need to have a couple of exercise hobbies or people will think you’re lazy and if you have a cooking list, you need some healthy choices or people will wonder about your nutrition, and if you have a list about favorite books, for heaven’s sake include some intellectual research based books! 

But this list was mine. I felt no pressure to include a fictitious love of dumb bells or Shakespeare or apples. Still I was a little weirded out that I kept coming back to the list the next few days, adding things here and there and smiling to myself when I thought of my frivolous list. 

My list became a place of exhale and I couldn’t even understand why. 

Why on earth would thoughts of fancy coffee, and pink nail polish, Washi tape and cucumber water help me sleep?! After all the definition of frivolous is not very dignified. It means silly, trifling, empty, worthless, of little weight or importance…” 

Leeana writes: “It’s our worst fear to be unworthy of serious attention. Until one day we realize how exhausting it is to strive so relentlessly. We hear God’s whisper: ‘Leeana, what if you stopped trying to be so worthy? What if you stopped focusing on your relevance? What if you stopped trying to secure your own meaningfulness?”

This really struck me as it feels like my entire decade of my 20’s was spent in some ways hustling to be taken seriously, to do something meaningful, to be worthy of serious attention. The 20’s can be a tumultuous decade in so many ways, graduating college, entering a career, figuring out relationships, wondering who is behind and who is ahead. I went straight from my bachelors into graduate school and I longed to be taken seriously. I wanted to be seen as academic but felt like my snide and humorous remarks were the best I had to offer. As a women, I felt like I was seen as just a "dumb blonde" who was fun but not intellectual. It felt like I couldn’t be frivolous and deep. I couldn’t do something meaningful and then do something entirely ridiculous. 

Of course this kind of black and white thinking would make anyone a little on edge and anxious having to perform so much. 

Leeana talks about “getting lost in the garden” God has given us. That we can “go to the studio of our soul” to create, explore, play, and be silly. This is a garden where I am loved as I am and don’t have to produce or create for an outcome. This garden of colors and resources and beauty that is mine to play with. 

In this garden you can, “Run toward what you love with unapologetic abandon." 

I’m an oldest child so being taken seriously comes with the territory. I was responsible, conscientious and deep. But I was also creative but didn’t realize it. I was also witty but didn’t know that either. Growing up my family was thrifty and amazing at saving so going out to eat was novel and renting a movie and having popcorn was like the celebration of the century (okay I exaggerate but you underestimate my love of popcorn). 

Naturally I grew up to be a very good saver but unfortunately had a nasty guilt complex every time I bought something I didn’t necessarily need, but just wanted. But here’s the thing I can be both a good saver and also buy something I like, something frivolous. I can be both witty and watch silly sitcoms and be a deep thinker. I can be creative and still love browsing Target for things that are already created. Enjoying things doesn’t make me a superficial person. It makes me a human who is alive with a vibrant heart beat. 

 We get to love what we love you guys. We don’t have to justify or downplay our stunning souls. Our souls are deep and wide. It has plenty of room for ALL the good stuff. The deep serious stuff and the frivolous fun stuff.

Maybe there's something you love but have inwardly rejected because it feels too meaningless and trivial. Maybe you can relate to wanting to be taken seriously and so have pretended part of your soul isn't there. But what's the worst that could happen if you risked making this list? Maybe you'll even sleep better. 

So here is my list of the frivolous things that I actually and unashamedly very much enjoy. You know I want to know what's on yours!

Heather's Frivolous List:

Pillows

Essie nail polish

Gilmore Girls

Fancy wrapping paper

A novel with a cheesy happy ending

The smell of lavender

Sharpie fine point pens

Mud masks

Dusk in the summer

Fancy matches

Words

Buying more than one bottle of wine at a time

Soft blankets

Hair ties and headbands*

Humor

Cucumber Water

Washi tape

The smell of new clothes

Scott’s homemade macaroni and cheese 

Cold brew lattes

Pedicures 

* It’s the weirdest thing but buying hair stuff induces a weird sense of guilt in me like I should wrap my hair in braids with the yarn lying around my house (there is no yarn) Yesterday I bought headbands and all I could think was “this is so naughty, I am so bad, I am buying a pack of headbands for 5.99 to keep my bangs out of my face…how could you?!! How dare you?! Hence my need to write this blog.  

My Dirty Little Secret

 I’m currently reading a fabulous book all about coming out of hiding. It’s about shame and freedom and what keeps our nose to the ground and what helps us breathe deeper. The book is Brazen by Leeana Tankersley and it came out this week! Go and order it right now! I’ll be here when you get back!

There are so many ways we come out of hiding and so many others ways to stay quiet and small and invisible. But today I want to let you in on my personal dirty little secret:

I like being married.

There I said it.

Some people think marriage is going to be all unicorns and rainbows and then once they are married are scared to admit that's it hard. And then there are others who thought marriage was going to be all hard, all transition, all change and are now scared to admit they actually like being married. 

Isn’t it weird how certain things are just scary to admit?  I feel sheepish and nervous admitting that I like my marriage with Scott in the kind of way that one might be embarassed to admit that they…

…really like the color pink.

…don’t like going out.

…like their sweatpants.

…like shopping at Walmart.

…like the satisfaction of digging out ingrown hairs.

…sometimes eat McDonalds (and like it).

…love reading non-intellectual books.

…actually like being single.

…like box macaroni and cheese.

…like to stay in on New Years Eve.

…like the smell of gasoline.

We are so embarrassed to talk about what we like. We act as if enjoying our marriage is as shameful as the joy we get from picking out ingrown hairs on our face. Whether we are single or married, it feels like there is a certain unspoken pressure that we are to dislike these states. 

It’s easy to talk about what we hate right? We live in a culture that feeds off of negativity and toxic energy. Honestly most of the time it feels more natural to complain. More acceptable, even more likeable.

I am no stranger to this. After I married Scott, I started to notice this non-verbal rule everyone seemed to follow. Remember when you talked incessantly about your crush or when you had your first date or re-told your engagement story a thousand times? Well subtly that kind of talk decreases and the criticizing and spouse bashing increases. I began to wonder if the person you are supposed to love the most is also the person you will end up complaining about the most. And the worst part is I began to wonder if this was actually socially acceptable. Even desirable? I wondered if people no longer wanted to hear my mushy gushy details anymore or how in love I was. I began to ask myself, “Do they just want the dirt on my marriage? Do I just want the dirt on theirs? “*

But why?! Why do we CHOOSE someone and fall in love and then suddenly decide we have to talk about them like they are the punch line to a funny joke or a little side character in our story? Oh that little dud? Yeah I married them.

I have wondered if I need to be more into spouse bashing. I’ve got to be honest. There have been times where I have caught myself trying to think of something Scott did that annoyed me just to feel like I fit in. Is it true that once you are married everyone is so over the happily- ever-after nonsense that they just want to hear what’s wrong with your spouse?

Will the people who actually like being married please stand up? Please speak up and stand up! We neeeeeeeeeddddd you. Well actually I need you. I need to know it’s okay to like my marriage.

And I don’t mean the fake “everything is perfect, I swoon daily and have sex hourly”  types. There are those, the ones with the vacant looks in their eyes with the tight smile, who feel like they have to keep pretending because vulnerablity is terrifying. I want to hear from people who LIKE their relationships even those they have experienced hard.  They are the gutsy people who are brave enough to love vulnerably within their marriage.

It takes courage to live out of a place of abundance and not out of a place of scarcity. Sometimes celebrating and loving what you have is terrifying because it means you are really exposed and really vulnerable. Sometimes being happy in your marriage is a dirty little secret that you feel like has to stay hidden.

There are a number of reasons we do this of course:

We don’t want to make single people feel sad.

We don’t want people who have horrible marriages to feel sad.

We want to be sensitive so we act like we think our marriage is lame.

And so you know what we ultimately do? We push mute on our stories, our actual lives with our real spouses. We tone it down. We make it dull, rather than colorful and bright because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. We insist this is the polite and respectful thing to do. We sacrifice our spouse’s feelings at the expense of a cheap joke because the story is a crowd pleasing one.

But is it?

Are we really doing the world a favor by hiding?  

I think part of living life abundantly is by celebrating big and grieving big. We can’t numb our feelings, even the good ones if we truly want to live a wholehearted life.

Let’s not make spousal bashing the norm or even popular. When we bash we are being critical and that says more about us than the person we are criticizing. It says, don’t get too close to me; look how I talk about the person I am closest to. All too often we hot wire connection through having a common enemy (aka the spouses). This isn’t real intimacy or a real way to gain trust. This may make us feel close to someone but is far too superficial to build a lasting relationship on.

And let’s not hide anymore. Instead let’s own our stories and work to embrace others, even our dirty little secrets.

Hello my name is Heather and I like being married.

I also like eating whole cans of black olives in one sitting.

*SIDE NOTE: I am not talking about sharing your soul and your deep wounds and desires to your safe people and friends. This kind of relational processing is necessary and healthy. I do not believe this is considered "spouse bashing" I believe close friends will know about the HARD stuff in marriage as well as the good stuff. They will encourage, sustain and challenge you. They will tell you when to stay in and when to get out. Also they know when you are faking it.