10 Things Everyone Needs To Know Before They Became A Marriage and Family Therapist*

This past year I have been interviewed a number of times on my MFT profession for various academic projects students are working on. I decided that it might be nice if I put together a condensed version of all my interviews so that if anyone is thinking about becoming or pursuing this career option, they can check out my list of 10 things to know or questions to ask before they enter the field!

I've been thinking about my career a lot as I am on the last couple legs of this "marathon". I have finished all 3,000 experiential hours and am currently studying for my first licensure exam. I am nervous and excited and am so beyond grateful for the friends and family I have who have supported me through this entire process. 

1. It’s a long process. Here is a timeline: 

• Bachelors Degree (4 years).
• Masters Degree (3-4 years depending on school requirements). 
• Practicum (1-2 years depending on practicum site and how many experiential hours your school requires). 
• Internship (3-6 years depending on how many experience hours your agency can offer. In the state of California you need 3,000 hours). 
• Once hours are completed, you submit a thick application for licensure. Once approved, you can register for exams and begin studying. 
• There are two licensing exams (the exam process can take up to 1 year from what I’ve been told). 
• Waiting on results from exam can take anywhere between a couple weeks to a couple months. But once you receive notice of passing and receive licensure number you’ll an official LMFT. Hooray! 

2. It is costly. 

You are in school for many years so student loans are just a part of the deal. In addition to the cost of school, many internships are unpaid and usually the ones that are paid, don't pay well. Typically, this means little to no pay from the time you start school until the time you are licensed. The price you end up paying isn't just in the cost of the degree, but also in the loss of potential income you could have made in another career.

3. Are you a one-kind of career person? 

Being a Marriage and Family Therapist (especially in states where standards are really high) is a career for life. It’s not a hobby or a part-time gig or something to do if you get bored of your other career. It’s not a back-up plan. It is the plan. 

4. It takes passion. 

Like many careers, you need a heavy dose of passion and drive to pursue this as a career. For this specific field you need to have a passion for people and their stories. You need to have a passion for helping those who are in pain. 

5. Have others described you as empathetic? 

You’ll need some empathy. Of course there is the academic side to becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist but what about the practical side? Does empathy come natural for you? Empathy is a very large part of what therapists practice for their clients. The ability to access your own story and where you have felt similar feelings in life (such as deep loneliness, fierce anger or paralyzing anxiety) keeps us sharp and in tune with our clients own feelings. 

6. You'll want to be a naturally curious person. 

You’ll want to be a naturally curious person. Be inquisitive. Ask the hard questions. While we are not detectives, I often feel like one as a therapist as I seek to connect dots and find missing puzzle pieces while conceptualizing a case. Curiosity is so essential because it also causes us to be resourceful and creative. This keeps the wonder in the therapy room realizing that every client who walks in the door has something special or unique about them. No story or voice is just typical. Curiosity is about having a desire to learn or know something and in this case, you want to know your client. 

7. You gotta stay classy. 

What I mean is that you absolutely cannot go around sharing your client's story** and that includes their family of origin, their ethnicity, their presenting problem, their psychosocial history, their trauma, or specifics about their culture. I'm largely an external processor at heart so trust me when I say this hasn't been easy for me. I come to some of my greatest conclusions by talking through things, but just because you are an external processor does not mean you need to be a public processor. You know how if you go on a missions trip to ____, there are lots of pictures taken proving that you essentially did all this work and helped this group out? With therapy you don’t get to put your clients up as a profile picture.  Every day therapists advocate for social justice for their clients but due to confidentiality as well as ethical and legal guidelines, nothing can be shared especially on social media. Cases are best discussed in supervision or during consultations with fellow therapists. It can be very harmful to our clients to exploit their stories even when we have the best of intentions. In other words, dial back the do-gooder bragging and stay classy.  

8. You’re going to need a lot of courage.

You're going to have to face yourself. All the parts of yourself that you would just rather avoid or forget about have to be faced. This is no easy task. Depending on what you have gone through or experienced you’re going to need to do some deep soul work. If you don’t know yourself, it will be very hard to know your clients. If you haven’t faced your own trauma, addressing your client’s trauma will be very tricky and robotic at best. If you are courageous enough to face your most fragile and vulnerable self you will have a lot more to offer your clients. I can honestly say that all the work I have done on myself has made me a better therapist because I know what it's like to sit with my pain. 

9. How do you feel about paperwork?

There’s a lot more paperwork involved than you would think. When I started graduate school and envisioned being a therapist, it involved me talking with people about their pain, their stories and how they wanted to change. I didn't think that even after school I would still be doing SO much paperwork. It's a profession that demands a lot of organization regarding the records and files that you keep on clients. 

10. Are you comfortable with those that are different from you? 

You’ll need to be at ease talking with a wide range of people. Clients come from diverse racial, ethnic, socioeconomic and cultural backgrounds. They may not be like you at all. You’ll want to have good interpersonal skills so you can create a safe environment so those you work with can trust you.

*In the state of California specifically, other states have different requirements. 
**There are books that do discuss the profession of therapy where authors will discuss previous clients or cases. From what I understand,  this only happens when consent is given, the names are changed and the therapy has been terminated.

Why It's Okay To Love What You Love

Sometimes I get a little “buzzy” as I like to call it. I don’t mean the buzz from a glass of wine or even the buzz from a cup of coffee. I mean the brain buzz. And generally my buzzy buzzard self emerges when I’m feeling vulnerable, a little on edge and well…holding my breath. 

Scott left this past week for his grandfather’s memorial service in Colorado. Since I had never met his grandfather, I stayed back with Lenny our puppy. The first night I awoke around 1:30 am from horrible nightmares so the second night alone I had to do something before bed to calm myself. (other than the obvious: have Lenny sleep in the bed with me). 

I decided to read the next chapter in the book I’m currently reading right now called Brazen by Leeana Tankersley. I spoke briefly about it in my last blog  but it’s all about finding our true selves, living without shame, reclaiming our voice and living from a place of worthiness and becoming. She talked about how she has this desire to be creative and expressive but often is feels frivolous. This feeling stunts the creative process and rather than exploration emerging, one can end up feeling paralyzed. 

What stood out most to me was her list towards the end of the chapter of things she loves, “the frivolous things." This list was a privilege to read as it can be almost embarrassing to admit what we like. It feels silly or immature or superficial. Reading her list opened up this little crack of light inside of me, encouraging me to explore what it might be shining on. 

So that night before bed, with a police search helicopter above my apartment, all my doors locked and dead bolted and locked again, and with little Lenny curled up in a fuzzy ball next to me, I began my own list. The list of what I love. I wrote it in my journal and laid it by my nightstand and slept soundly. 

I woke up the next morning and felt a little silly because that worked. My nerves were calmed because I spent some time thinking about what I loved before I drifted off to sleep. It was such a free and un-filtered list. 

You know how lists can be rather rigid? Like if it’s a list about your hobbies, you need to have a couple of exercise hobbies or people will think you’re lazy and if you have a cooking list, you need some healthy choices or people will wonder about your nutrition, and if you have a list about favorite books, for heaven’s sake include some intellectual research based books! 

But this list was mine. I felt no pressure to include a fictitious love of dumb bells or Shakespeare or apples. Still I was a little weirded out that I kept coming back to the list the next few days, adding things here and there and smiling to myself when I thought of my frivolous list. 

My list became a place of exhale and I couldn’t even understand why. 

Why on earth would thoughts of fancy coffee, and pink nail polish, Washi tape and cucumber water help me sleep?! After all the definition of frivolous is not very dignified. It means silly, trifling, empty, worthless, of little weight or importance…” 

Leeana writes: “It’s our worst fear to be unworthy of serious attention. Until one day we realize how exhausting it is to strive so relentlessly. We hear God’s whisper: ‘Leeana, what if you stopped trying to be so worthy? What if you stopped focusing on your relevance? What if you stopped trying to secure your own meaningfulness?”

This really struck me as it feels like my entire decade of my 20’s was spent in some ways hustling to be taken seriously, to do something meaningful, to be worthy of serious attention. The 20’s can be a tumultuous decade in so many ways, graduating college, entering a career, figuring out relationships, wondering who is behind and who is ahead. I went straight from my bachelors into graduate school and I longed to be taken seriously. I wanted to be seen as academic but felt like my snide and humorous remarks were the best I had to offer. As a women, I felt like I was seen as just a "dumb blonde" who was fun but not intellectual. It felt like I couldn’t be frivolous and deep. I couldn’t do something meaningful and then do something entirely ridiculous. 

Of course this kind of black and white thinking would make anyone a little on edge and anxious having to perform so much. 

Leeana talks about “getting lost in the garden” God has given us. That we can “go to the studio of our soul” to create, explore, play, and be silly. This is a garden where I am loved as I am and don’t have to produce or create for an outcome. This garden of colors and resources and beauty that is mine to play with. 

In this garden you can, “Run toward what you love with unapologetic abandon." 

I’m an oldest child so being taken seriously comes with the territory. I was responsible, conscientious and deep. But I was also creative but didn’t realize it. I was also witty but didn’t know that either. Growing up my family was thrifty and amazing at saving so going out to eat was novel and renting a movie and having popcorn was like the celebration of the century (okay I exaggerate but you underestimate my love of popcorn). 

Naturally I grew up to be a very good saver but unfortunately had a nasty guilt complex every time I bought something I didn’t necessarily need, but just wanted. But here’s the thing I can be both a good saver and also buy something I like, something frivolous. I can be both witty and watch silly sitcoms and be a deep thinker. I can be creative and still love browsing Target for things that are already created. Enjoying things doesn’t make me a superficial person. It makes me a human who is alive with a vibrant heart beat. 

 We get to love what we love you guys. We don’t have to justify or downplay our stunning souls. Our souls are deep and wide. It has plenty of room for ALL the good stuff. The deep serious stuff and the frivolous fun stuff.

Maybe there's something you love but have inwardly rejected because it feels too meaningless and trivial. Maybe you can relate to wanting to be taken seriously and so have pretended part of your soul isn't there. But what's the worst that could happen if you risked making this list? Maybe you'll even sleep better. 

So here is my list of the frivolous things that I actually and unashamedly very much enjoy. You know I want to know what's on yours!

Heather's Frivolous List:

Pillows

Essie nail polish

Gilmore Girls

Fancy wrapping paper

A novel with a cheesy happy ending

The smell of lavender

Sharpie fine point pens

Mud masks

Dusk in the summer

Fancy matches

Words

Buying more than one bottle of wine at a time

Soft blankets

Hair ties and headbands*

Humor

Cucumber Water

Washi tape

The smell of new clothes

Scott’s homemade macaroni and cheese 

Cold brew lattes

Pedicures 

* It’s the weirdest thing but buying hair stuff induces a weird sense of guilt in me like I should wrap my hair in braids with the yarn lying around my house (there is no yarn) Yesterday I bought headbands and all I could think was “this is so naughty, I am so bad, I am buying a pack of headbands for 5.99 to keep my bangs out of my face…how could you?!! How dare you?! Hence my need to write this blog.  

My Dirty Little Secret

 I’m currently reading a fabulous book all about coming out of hiding. It’s about shame and freedom and what keeps our nose to the ground and what helps us breathe deeper. The book is Brazen by Leeana Tankersley and it came out this week! Go and order it right now! I’ll be here when you get back!

There are so many ways we come out of hiding and so many others ways to stay quiet and small and invisible. But today I want to let you in on my personal dirty little secret:

I like being married.

There I said it.

Some people think marriage is going to be all unicorns and rainbows and then once they are married are scared to admit that's it hard. And then there are others who thought marriage was going to be all hard, all transition, all change and are now scared to admit they actually like being married. 

Isn’t it weird how certain things are just scary to admit?  I feel sheepish and nervous admitting that I like my marriage with Scott in the kind of way that one might be embarassed to admit that they…

…really like the color pink.

…don’t like going out.

…like their sweatpants.

…like shopping at Walmart.

…like the satisfaction of digging out ingrown hairs.

…sometimes eat McDonalds (and like it).

…love reading non-intellectual books.

…actually like being single.

…like box macaroni and cheese.

…like to stay in on New Years Eve.

…like the smell of gasoline.

We are so embarrassed to talk about what we like. We act as if enjoying our marriage is as shameful as the joy we get from picking out ingrown hairs on our face. Whether we are single or married, it feels like there is a certain unspoken pressure that we are to dislike these states. 

It’s easy to talk about what we hate right? We live in a culture that feeds off of negativity and toxic energy. Honestly most of the time it feels more natural to complain. More acceptable, even more likeable.

I am no stranger to this. After I married Scott, I started to notice this non-verbal rule everyone seemed to follow. Remember when you talked incessantly about your crush or when you had your first date or re-told your engagement story a thousand times? Well subtly that kind of talk decreases and the criticizing and spouse bashing increases. I began to wonder if the person you are supposed to love the most is also the person you will end up complaining about the most. And the worst part is I began to wonder if this was actually socially acceptable. Even desirable? I wondered if people no longer wanted to hear my mushy gushy details anymore or how in love I was. I began to ask myself, “Do they just want the dirt on my marriage? Do I just want the dirt on theirs? “*

But why?! Why do we CHOOSE someone and fall in love and then suddenly decide we have to talk about them like they are the punch line to a funny joke or a little side character in our story? Oh that little dud? Yeah I married them.

I have wondered if I need to be more into spouse bashing. I’ve got to be honest. There have been times where I have caught myself trying to think of something Scott did that annoyed me just to feel like I fit in. Is it true that once you are married everyone is so over the happily- ever-after nonsense that they just want to hear what’s wrong with your spouse?

Will the people who actually like being married please stand up? Please speak up and stand up! We neeeeeeeeeddddd you. Well actually I need you. I need to know it’s okay to like my marriage.

And I don’t mean the fake “everything is perfect, I swoon daily and have sex hourly”  types. There are those, the ones with the vacant looks in their eyes with the tight smile, who feel like they have to keep pretending because vulnerablity is terrifying. I want to hear from people who LIKE their relationships even those they have experienced hard.  They are the gutsy people who are brave enough to love vulnerably within their marriage.

It takes courage to live out of a place of abundance and not out of a place of scarcity. Sometimes celebrating and loving what you have is terrifying because it means you are really exposed and really vulnerable. Sometimes being happy in your marriage is a dirty little secret that you feel like has to stay hidden.

There are a number of reasons we do this of course:

We don’t want to make single people feel sad.

We don’t want people who have horrible marriages to feel sad.

We want to be sensitive so we act like we think our marriage is lame.

And so you know what we ultimately do? We push mute on our stories, our actual lives with our real spouses. We tone it down. We make it dull, rather than colorful and bright because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. We insist this is the polite and respectful thing to do. We sacrifice our spouse’s feelings at the expense of a cheap joke because the story is a crowd pleasing one.

But is it?

Are we really doing the world a favor by hiding?  

I think part of living life abundantly is by celebrating big and grieving big. We can’t numb our feelings, even the good ones if we truly want to live a wholehearted life.

Let’s not make spousal bashing the norm or even popular. When we bash we are being critical and that says more about us than the person we are criticizing. It says, don’t get too close to me; look how I talk about the person I am closest to. All too often we hot wire connection through having a common enemy (aka the spouses). This isn’t real intimacy or a real way to gain trust. This may make us feel close to someone but is far too superficial to build a lasting relationship on.

And let’s not hide anymore. Instead let’s own our stories and work to embrace others, even our dirty little secrets.

Hello my name is Heather and I like being married.

I also like eating whole cans of black olives in one sitting.

*SIDE NOTE: I am not talking about sharing your soul and your deep wounds and desires to your safe people and friends. This kind of relational processing is necessary and healthy. I do not believe this is considered "spouse bashing" I believe close friends will know about the HARD stuff in marriage as well as the good stuff. They will encourage, sustain and challenge you. They will tell you when to stay in and when to get out. Also they know when you are faking it. 

On Marriage and the Conversations We Have

Most of my ideas are recycled. I wish I could tell you I have SO many original thoughts but if that were the case I would be a famous theorist. Most of the best things I learn are recycled, kind of like my clothes….

Anyway I’ve been listening to The Liturgist podcast on my commute to work and today I listened to one on marriage and specifically about the book Rob and Kristen Bell wrote together, Zimzum Of Love.

It got me thinking about marriage and the adventure of it all. It made me think about the space between us and how that space is always changing, growing, evolving and moving.

Rob and Kristen write, “People aren’t static, they’re dynamic-endlessly complex and capable of surprise and change”.

No matter what you believe about the author’s theology or stance on faith, I’m sure most of us can agree this is true.

Yesterday Scott and I celebrated our three year anniversary. Threeeee years. That's a total of six years of knowing him. For me, this feels miraculous considering it's my longest romantic relationship and only marriage. I never knew I could feel so safe in love. And even though it's complex and deep and moving and growing, it's continued to feel safe. 

The space between Scott and I have changed a thousand, a million times and that is okay, that is normal, that is good. That is part of the adventure of being in a relationship with a human created in the image of God.

“When you get married, you’re starting a conversation that never ends”.* 

Scott and I’s communication is unending because even when we don’t communicate we are communicating something. It’s called Metacommunication which is basically all the nonverbal cues we have including our tone, body language and gestures that carry meaning.

Whether we verbally process or internally process we are talking. Always talking to each other. 

Scott and I’s conversations have been up and down and everything in-between these past three years.

They've been something like this:

Yay! We’re getting married!

Wait I’m terrified to be married.

Yay! Marriage!

Wait I’m scared.

ITALY!!!!

Okay I don’t know how to be a good married person or what does that even mean?

I love marriage and it is SO FUN!!!

Why are we so stressed?

Date nights are awesome!

Why are we talking about finances again?

I feel warm and cozy with you

Why are fighting about this again?

I found a coin!

Wait why is there mold in our apartment?

We can’t buy 5 plane tickets to see all our family members this year.

You’re my best friend!!!!!

Are we supposed to have a pet?

Or kids?

Or own a house?

Wait are we behind?

I’m so in love!!!!

I’m so in love I’m terrified of losing you.

You really make me think about the hard stuff

We love Amazon Prime

We make the best team

I’m so hungry, why do we spend an hour deciding where we should eat

Hey just pull the covers back if I steal them in the night.

We need coffee

I don’t like doing dishes

Let’s find a marriage book

I hate marriage books. I want to throw them all in the trash

You really do snore

Do we have more than one signature issue?

But really it’s your turnnnnnn

We are so weird. If anyone knew we were this weird…

Can you do that dance move like that again?

Yes, but with that face.

Hey I really reallllllyyyyyy like you

I want to do life with you forever. I choose you every day. Over and over again. You’re it.

Well there you have it. A sneak peek into our un-ending conversation. I’m really REALLY grateful to be on this adventure with Scott.  It’s the most mysterious, fun, amazing and vulnerable journey. It makes me crazy happy and crazy scared.

The space in-between us is so sacred and so special. Relationships are really stunning (romantic or not).What happens in-between, in those quiet moments or those agonizing moments or those I can’t believe I found you moments, is always creating movement between us. I find him in my corner and he finds me having his back. I find myself thinking about what will show him the most love and he finds himself thinking what I would want the most. He shows me respect and support in my purpose and I challenge him to pursue his dreams. I find myself surprised at the level of emotional safety and continually challenged by the same conflicts all at the same time.  I find myself continually curious about his tender places and he finds himself sacrificing what he wants for what I want. And we seem to find we often want the same things.

I like our conversation. I like our adventure. Our space is a good space. And I am so grateful.

Happy Three Years!

*Rob and Kristen Bell in Zimzum Love.

Picture Perfect Project: March

Hi Friends!

Happy Thursday! Excited to be linking up for my second month of The Picture Perfect Project! I don't know about you guys but spring is in the air here. I realize that San Diego is notorious for un-ending summers but there are subtle differences when spring arrives. We had rain this week and even some thunder! On my neighborly walks I've been noticing flowers popping up. My favorite is the Cherry Blossom Tree that is just bursting with cotton candy pink these days.

This month has brought some joy and some pain. Pain as I've been struggling with chronic migraines. I've struggled with them before but some seasons they just intensify and this is one of those seasons. It's especially discouraging to wake up with one. After seeing doctors and trying medications, or investing in essential oils,  getting a deep tissue massage or doing some gentle yoga with still no positive change, it can be very disheartening. I remind myself that this too will pass. It always does. Sometimes it goes on much longer than I like, but eventually it goes away and the best I can do is take care of myself in the process and take deep breaths. #thistooshallpass

This month, joy has come to me in the form of a little pup! Yes, we finally got a PUPPY!!! We are so excited (and I'm sure you can guess the theme of my pictures for next month). We have rescued a little mix that is about 4 months old. We have had him just for 5 days now but he already feels like part of our little family. That being said, it has been a TON of work. Of course going into it, we knew it would be and were ready for it. It's been lots of 2am potty calls and lots of cleaning up little messy piles on the floor. We are such proud puppy parents as he has already learned how to sit and is learning to sleep through at least part of the night.

So my choice of photography this month is COFFEE. I'm sure you can understand why between dealing with migraines and a new little puppy, one needs energy and a little caffeine boost. Coffee shops are also one of my favorite places in the world (specifically the one around the corner from our place, Dark Horse Coffee Roasters) and so when I'm at a coffee shop I feel all is right in the world.

Enjoy!

My sweet sister-in-law gave me some pointers on photography one weekend in Pasadena as she's a brilliant artist. She told me about the rule of three and about turning your phone upside down. I was pleasantly surprised with the fun angle it gave it! (top Copa vVda picture)

Excited to see all your photos this month friends!!

We Are Larger Than The Toxic Voices

This week at the schools is "literacy week". It's kind of awesome. It is one big week celebrating Dr. Seuss's birthday, reading and dressing up each day of the week. Some of the kids have wondered why I haven't spray painted my hair or come to work in pajamas. (trust me, I would have loved it) I've brought in a Dr. Seuss giant 48 piece floor puzzle and countless Dr. Seuss books for my clients this week. I love the way Seuss tells a story with a deep and meaningful message.

In honor of Dr. Seuss's birthday I would like to shed light to a new favorite book of his called, Horton and the Kwuggerbug and More Lost Stories. My husband, Scott got this for me when the introduction copy came out in book form in 2014. My ex-roomie, (aka first life partner) had a sleep-over last night because Scott is out of town for work. Of course we had to read some Dr. Seuss books as our love for him as an author dates back to us fighting about who found what vintage copy first at used bookstores.

This specific story is about a little yellow guy who is affectionately called a Kwuggerbug and of course, Horton, the sweet and faithful Elephant. The Kwuggerbug somehow persuades Horton to take him on a journey to find his Beezelnut tree (which we learn is a nut in the jungle to eat and which by far was the most sweet) Of course Mr. Kwuggerbug turns into a bossy pants dictator who orders Horton around, having him swim through crocodile infested lakes, climb a giant boulder mountain and stretch his trunk into a bridge, all so he can get to his nuts.

"The climb", sighed poor Horton, "will kill me, no doubt.
But a deal IS a deal, and I cannot back out."
He drew a deep breath and threw back his shoulders
And he dragged his tired legs over rocks and big boulders.
He stumbled and staggered uphill, over stones
That tattered his toenails and bruised all his bones
While the Kwuggerbug perched on his trunk all the time
And kept yelling, "Climb! You dumb elephant, climb!"
He climbed. He grew dizzy. His ankles grew numb.
But he climbed and he climbed and he clum and he clum.
His hearing grew faint. And his eyesight grew dim.
But he clum and he clum, and he clim and he clim
From quarter past two until four-forty-five
Till finally, old Horton, more dead than alive,
Had carried that bug to the very tip-top
And then, only then, did the elephant stop.
And he gasped to the bug as he sank to his knees,
"Now where are my Beezlenuts, sir, if you please?"

Now we have all Kwuggerbugs and Beezelnuts in our life. The Kwuggerbugs shouts at us to hustle and tells us we aren't good enough while also telling us to try harder and work harder.

The Beezelnuts are the dreams. They are the car. The job. The house. The relationship. The new business. The new baby. The big trip.  There is nothing wrong with chasing our dreams and going after our Beezelnuts but when we have our inner gremlin shouting at us and demeaning us with toxic thoughts, we need to take a step back and consider why we need these dreams to come true so badly.

Sometimes we get to the top of our mountain and realize the whole thing was over-rated in the first place, but sometimes we get to the top and feel victorious and ecstatic at our accomplishment. But poor Horton was exhausted and weary.

I can relate to Horton in that way. I have worked for years and years on my Marriage and Family Therapy career, jumping through hoops and red tape, dealing with ethics and legalities and mountains of paperwork. I have dealt with patronizing comments about this specific career as well as impossible standards to attain in order to be "successful" in this career. I have heard the hardest, most gut-wrenching stories and then have to literally file them away in a folder while I hold my breath. This climb feels un-ending. I make it to one milestone only to find there is another steep climb ahead of me. I get to the top and realize I have massive student loans and a high need for a very long nap. Not exactly your victorious stance.

My Kwuggerbugs are those nasty little internal and external gremlins that screech at me to hustle, prove my worth, and act out of a place of scarcity rather than abundance. They tell me I'm just a poser, that I won't pass the license exam, that I won't ever get licensed, that we'll always be tight financially, I'll always get triggered by ____, and finally that ultimately I'm not strong enough, smart therapist(ish) enough, academic enough, good enough christian enough enough enough... and on and on the Kwuggerbug howls in my ear.

But listen, here's a little secret I'm going to tell you. Elephants are bigger than Kwuggerbugs. We are bigger than those toxic voices. We are larger and stronger than the critical gremlins. And yes sometimes we listen a little too long to those nasty little bugs and sometimes they make us oh so tired and weary.

But we do better once we know better.

My journey might be steep and there might be crocodile infested waters ahead but I can manage it much better without a sneering Kwuggerbug at my side. I'll take deep breaths and rest when I need to. I'll stop and reflect. I'll listen to Love and what She has to say to me.

And if I need to I'll snort that Kwuggerbug right out of my nose if he's not nice. (Okay, go read the book now)

What are you personal Beezelnuts? Who and what is your Kwuggerbug? Is it time to tell him he's no longer desired on your trip to Beezelnut land? You'll get there eventually and if you don't, just remember that those nuts are often over-rated and over-sensationalized. Every day is a good day to dream a new dream.

P.S. I hope everyone finds their nuts.

No Inspiration for #fitspiration: True Health Versus The Latest Fad Diet

Body Wraps, Whole 30, Eating Clean, Gluten-Free, Detox, Eat Healthy, Fitspiration, these are the words I see and hear on repeat. Some are very gimmicky. Some are trendy. Some are downright toxic (looking at you #fitspiration) and some are necessary (i.e. those who have Celiac Disease cannot have gluten). As it is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week I thought it might be good to have a little conversation about our culture's current obsession with "healthy eating."

One reason why I have enjoyed working at an eating disorder treatment center the past couple years is because our philosophy is that all food is inherently good. Rather than enabling the rigid black and white thinking that so many struggle with in treatment, we embrace food as a way to heal and a way to recover. Food was never the enemy. It is no wonder that in our culture so many are prone to fall victim to all kinds of dangerous dieting as they are constantly told through the media that “cutting back” is noble and disciplined. 

Dieting* and "healthy eating" trends in our culture are nothing new. They have been around for a long time. One of the first diets that received a lot of publicity dates back to 1863. It was called the Banting’s Diet. It was a low carb diet and bad foods were defined as sugar/starch, butter and milk. The diets have ranged from Graham’s Diet in 1830 where it was believed that exotic spices made one “lustful” to the Cabbage Soup Diet in 1980 where people believed it was best to only have this specific soup.** Then there was the Paleo diet that taught us to exclude all processed grains, oils, legumes and dairy. 

Never mind learning about our hunger cues, mindfulness, and healthy coping skills for emotions that are difficult to tolerate. No, we have always wanted a diet to tell us what we can and can't do. Never mind the fact that sugars and fats are not inherently bad and that sugar fuels the body and gives us energy. Never mind that cutting out fat will decrease brain development and cause severe brain shrinkage. Never mind that cabbage soup sounds really boring to have every day.  Never mind that exotic spices don't lead to sex addiction. Never mind that we are not cavemen and aren't built to be one. 

I hate to be a buzz kill about some of this stuff, but we need to talk about it. I know that when we don't feel good inside our bodies and within our souls, it feels easier to focus on something external. Restricting food helps decrease our anxiety. Big feelings are uncomfortable to hold and so obsessing about diets and eating clean is just easier. Not better, but easier than holding our real live hard feelings about our worth. 

When it comes to our bodies, there is no "one size fits all". Results will always vary. How we feed and nourish our bodies will be different. There isn't a one-way cure to eating healthy. It depends so much on biology, genes, along with other factors such as if we have a chronic illness or a disability, or the type of resources and privilege we have access to.  We may have a disability that causes weight gain or we may be less able bodied, but that does not negate our worth or the fact that we all deserve to eat. Food is essential. This isn't a thing we can argue about or go without. I also know that diets don't work (again, sorry to be a downer). If weight loss industries were actually effective we would soon put them out of business as they depend on repeat costumers. Diet industries need us to feel like we aren't good enough in order to make a profit. (sidenote so many studies are funded by diet companies, so now you understand why the obesity crisis has been inflated***)

Here is what I believe to be not healthy:

• Obsessing about eating healthy is not healthy.
• Replacing meals with juice often is not healthy.
• Avoiding meals because of your cleanse is not healthy.
• Hiding your eating disorder behind your healthy eating is not healthy.
• Working out constantly is not healthy (aka if you need to post a picture of yourself whenever you're at the gym or whenever you've done some reps, might be time to re-evaluate what health means to you).
• Compulsively and obsessively weighing yourself is not healthy.
• Believing there is only one body type that is healthy and attractive is not healthy.
• Believing that being thin=healthy is soooooo not true or healthy.
• Obsessively comparing your body or your nutrition to someone else's is not healthy.

Here is what I believe to be healthy:

• Eating 3 meals a day with snacks and hydrating is healthy.
• Getting enough sleep is healthy.
• Having some kind of movement is healthy.
• Celebrating food and enjoying food is healthy.
• Showing your body you love it by feeding and nourishing it is healthy.
• Eating a wide variety of food, colors and variations is healthy (getting your proteins, carbs, veggies, fruits, fats, dairy, basically the nutrients, vitamins, minerals and YES, calories you need).
• Feeling your feelings is healthy.
• Practicing your coping skills when you have hard feelings is healthy.

Our bodies are smarter than any diet or any healthy eating fad out there. Your body knows what you specifically need.  Rather than gluing our ear to all the trendy diets out there with the flashy colors and rainbow unicorn promises, let's listen to what our bodies want. No short cuts. No gimmicks. No toxic thoughts to "motivate" us. There will be more diets to come, they aren't going anywhere. But our bodies aren't going anywhere either and they need us to listen. After all, this is the one and only body we get, let's treat it with care, respect and kindness. Let's trust that food is good and it was never meant to be obsessed about. 

And chocolate is too good to hate. 

* Diet in Heather's terms: a restrictive food plan designed to get down to an "ideal weight", motivated by a sense of the body being incompetent/not enough as it is. I am not referring to a meal plan here or those who have specific food allergies or restriction due to pre-exsisitng health conditions. 
**Megan's Holt's History of Popular Diets 
*** I love Megan's BodyPosiPanda blog and her advocacy for body positivity.