Moving Towards Abundance

The New Year rushed in with a crash. A literal bang, crash and squash. I dropped my iPhone on concrete for the 182875983987 time but this time it went entirely black. This led to a whole slew of chaotic events, dog sitting, poop on my shoes, working a shift without a phone, forgetting my work keys, forgetting to clock out etc… When I have no phone it’s literally like I lose a part of my brain. Scott got sick with some of respiratory cold in the meantime. I continued playing along with the New Year saga with great commitment. I locked myself out of the house. I got a flat tire. I got reprimanded by my boss at work. I spilled my salad (aka flung) it across our staff meeting one day. Just as Scott recovered from the respiratory cold he contracted the flu. I went to work only to find myself sprinting off to the bathroom and texting hysterically to find a cover counselor.

Enter Scott and I with the flu. We found our rhythem for sure. It involved saltine crackers, netflik marathons and a Target run to the pharmacy. On the fun days we managed to eat Chiptole. On the super fun days we got to go to Urgent Care. I was even graced with the presence of an IV to give me fluids for dehydration. Scott and I realized we were beginning to lose it when we discovered the most exciting things that had happened to us in the past few days were that Zoe was rescued (West Wing) and that Rory told Dean she loves him (Glimore Girls) and lastly that we had entered to win an HGTV dream home. We began to obsess about this to the point that we literally believed we would win and would soon be swept off to Martha’s Vineyard.

When I get sick I don’t slow down. I am uneasy, on edge and anxious. If my body slows down my brain will certainly not. I feel frantic. I hate being sick. I feel crazy like I am losing my shit (figuratively and literally) I know I’m truly sick when I avoid coffee. And I know Scott is truly sick when he avoids playing games. These are our favorite things.

But what better time to cling to my word for the 2015 year.

ABUNDANCE.

I fell across the word abundance in an organic and fateful (and yes I dare to say spiritual way) I felt as if God was giving me this word for the year much like I have been given hope, rescue and tenderness the past few years.

Janice (or affectionately called Nina) was my roommate for almost 6 years of my college and graduate life in Minnnesota and in San Diego. While she is no longer my roommate she is one of my besties. Her parents came out for Christmas from freezing Minnesota and I was able to spend some time with them. Her mom is a Mumsy and she is just like a warm blanket. She is so gentle and kind and squishy (in that you can squish her and she likes it). She began to talk to me about the losses in life, the Hard with a capital H, and the darkness we all encounter in life. She talked about her essential oils and one oil in particular that gave her comfort.

ABUNDANCE

She said she would put the oil on her and inhale it’s scent of orange, frankincense, myrrh, and cinnamon. She would pray for abundance for all her kids. She would pray abundance over her and husband. I found this especially resilient as this Mumsy is the same one who lost her son just a couple years ago (my friend Derek) and my Nina’s brother. I found it touching and tender. I found it to be what my heart needed to hear.

From that story you can probably guess I’m not talking about abundance in the prosperity gospel sense. (How I WISH I believed in the prosperity gospel) I am talking about an abundance inside and certainly I will pray for it on the outside as well.

After I had talked to Mumsy I found in my journal a couple verses I had written out earlier in the month.

“We went through fire and water but You brought us to a place of abundance” Psalm 66:12

“You gave abundant showers, O God, You refreshed the weary inheritance, Your people settled in it, and from Your bounty, O God, You provided for the poor” Psalm 67:9-10

“ So Jesus said to them, ‘Children, you don’t have any fish do you?’ They replied, ‘No’. He told them, ‘Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some’. So they threw the net, and were not able to pull it in because of the large number of fish” John 21:6

ABUNDANCE

A very large quantity of something

Overflowing fullness

An extremely plentiful quantity

An over sufficient supply

Affluence

Wealth

I tried to look up an antonym for abundance and only one word came up.

SCARCITY

Whew. Scarcity. That scary word that fuels so much of my dread anxiety of loss and never enoughness and performance and comparison and trying to catch up.

When I inhale scarcity I lose oxygen for my joy.

We are so afraid of not having enough. Of not being enough. We believe we will run out of enoughness and abundance. We think there is simply not enough to go around.

When one of my favorite authors started talking about just this principle on Instagram the other day; I knew this was and HAD to be my word for the year.

“There is always more on its way- more opportunities, more ideas, more love. Think abundance-always think abundance. Belief in abundance is the source of all generosity and peace. Know that there is enough. Know that you are enough. Know that you have enough.” –Glennon Melton

Despite 2015 started off quite rocky I am praying abundance over it. I am soaking up abundance in the way I know how. I am chasing abundance and letting it chase me.

I would love to know how your New Year’s has started off and what words have you been pondering? What are you leaving behind in 2014 and what are you moving toward in 2015?

  

My Many Shields*

*Originally written for 30DNM campaign and website. 

I might be an extrovert according to the tests but truth be told, I process the deeper and harder things on an internal level. Sometimes it takes me awhile to come to conclusions. Sometimes I just need to let things marinate within me. 

If nothing else, nature reminds me that beautiful things take time. The way flowers grow, how seasons change, the birthing process. Forming “pretty” isn’t easy and is often much more counter cultural than we'd assume. 

I was really excited for #30daysnomakeup to be over. I was a little sad too. I had come to really look forward to seeing posts and encouragement on their Instagram and blog. I found other people with similar views and passions for empowering women. However I was ready for the holiday, for wearing make-up, for dressing up and embracing all the glitz and glitter. 

As December 15th approached, I made a plan for my day. I would take a long hot shower; I would use oils; take time on my eyebrows and hair. I would PUT ON make-up. And I wouldn't skimp on anything. There would be eyeliner and red lips. After it was all said and done I worked to take a picture of my "new and improved" face. Truth be told, I was strikingly underwhelmed. 

I was so underwhelmed it was actually depressing and embarrassing. Why couldn't I just snap a picture of my face!? I had worked so hard to make it look good! I kept staring at my face and feeling weird about it. I had assumed that I would feel 10x more beautiful finally being able to wear make-up but I didn't. 

I believed my experience was dissimilar to other people's experiences. Maybe that wasn’t true, but I envied those who I assumed felt beautiful without make-up and beautiful with make-up on. They looked so happy in their skin. I realized I was still trying to feel safe in my skin. Make-up wasn't nearly the shield I had hoped it would be for me. All this time it made me feel safe. It was my barrier from the harsh and critical world. But on December 15th, that barrier didn't seem to stick the way I wanted it to. My face was still there, buried under all that make-up. All that time, all that thought, all that precision. Me. 

My vulnerability was still looking right back at me. 

It's hard to face the world unarmed. It's especially hard to face myself unarmed. There are always shields available to us wherever we go. As a child, make-up wasn't my shield but being good and perfect was. As I became older, staying thin and running became my shield. Smiling when I was angry was my shield. Saying yes instead of no was my shield. People-pleasing was my shield. I let go of these shields when I found something that was actually more powerful than my shields, things like courage, kindness, vulnerability and breathing. 

The thing about shields, though, is that they are heavy and exhausting. After awhile they just don't serve me the way I need them to. The more I access my courage muscle and practice shame resilience the less I need them. 

I'm not saying I never wear make-up now. I'm not even saying that going make-up free is the better, cooler, less toxic, more hip (or however you fill that blank) thing to do. What I am saying is that participating in #30daysnomakeup freed me a little bit more. It empowered me. It made me less afraid of me.  It allowed me to drop one of my shields for a little awhile. I need my make-up less now and I wear it less.  And that feels really, really good. 

Tiny Fey Comes Out To Play

Day 26 with #30daysnomakeup!

Well here I am drawing near to the end of my #30DNM journey. What once started out driven by curiosity and enjoyment of social experiments has turned into much more. 

A "small" thing like make-up has led to a much bigger thing. A curiosity has led to a powerful conversation with so many. What is this really about I keep asking myself. 

Like my foundation, mascara, and lipstick falling from my face this month, the curtains have been pulled back on our culture and there are some things I straight up don't like.

I work at a residential treatment center for those struggling with eating disorders as a counselor as some of you may know. We have a documentary group and one day we watched one called America The Beautiful.  It covers a number of issues surrounding the extreme pressures of body image discussing things such as child models, plastic surgery, airbrushed advertising and dangerous cosmetics. 

Naturally, the cosmetic portion of the film really grabbed my attention. It had examples of women who were discriminated against for not wearing make-up and news reports of women who were actually FIRED from their jobs for not wearing make-up. This particular article shares a story about a woman who was pushed out of her job in sales for not wearing make-up. According to some research, "more than two thirds of employers admit they would be less likely to employ a female job applicant if she did not wear make-up to the job interview"

Ugh! This makes me sick. Talk about sexism! The message is clear for women. Your natural face does not make the cut. You are not beautiful as you are. You need to cover it up to accepted. You are not enough. 

It's no wonder I feel pressure to wear make-up. This isn't just some internal pressure of perfectionism I project on myself (which I most certainly do) but is ALSO entirely culturally conditioned. I feel angry thinking about these unrelenting standards society has put on women and young girls that has caused so many to fall into dangerous dieting, eating disorders, relentless and compulsive spending on the latest fashion, restricting of the nutrition their bodies crave. Not to mention the so-called "normal" things women should embody such as being hairless, having big eyes and perfect nail beds. Don't get me started…or Tiny Fey will come out to play….

Okay she's coming.

“Now every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.” (Bossypants)

Alright so you get my drift. Tina is being hilarious but she's also SERIOUS. This is the expectation. 

Then you throw in the latest research on carcinogen city, toxicity and allergies on cosmetics and I almost feel like there is some undercover operation going on who is trying to take women out. 

ANYWAY…my point is not that make-up is bad. I think #30daysnomakeup has been a spring board for a really important discussion I've needed to have with my heart for a long time. How does it make me feel that I (along with my culture) have given me a message that the face  I was born with is not good enough for the world? It's not good enough unless I do this and this and this and this?! And isn't that the exact opposite of grace and acceptance and inclusion?

Obviously I can't change our culture today. But I can start with me. 

I can start by having a tender dialogue with my heart about my face. 

I want to be on my face's side. I am not the enemy of my face. I don't want to be hostile to it. I want to be gentle and open and kind and brave. 

And I haven't done this all alone this past month. I have been amazed by the support and encouragement I have been given by family, friends and acquaintances and fellow bloggers and those involved in the #30DNM campaign. 

You guys have encouraged me SO MUCH!!! Every time I feel insecure or sheepish about my face I always seem to run into someone who tells me they admire me for what I'm doing or someone sends me a note via social media. Gosh, you guys are seriously the best! I have been totally humbled by your kind reactions to what I am doing. Rather than judge me, you all have affirmed me! It's made me challenge my belief system that people would rather I cover my face. I can listen to the media or I can listen to a flesh and blood person who tells me I AM ENOUGH. I feel like that's the better option. 

Only 4 days left! Carry on #braveones! 

An Open Letter to the World

Well I've been listening to Christmas you guys, and I want you to know what I've been hearing.

Last night I went to our church's annual Christmas concert, affectionately called The Christmas Collective. They combined music, performance art, storytelling and altruistic shopping from global non-profits to help the City of San Diego experience Christmas in a whole new way. It's your favorite carols re-imagined.

My whole life I've heard Christmas carols every year for 29 years. I like them in the sense that they remind me of Christmas, the smell of pine, and the feeling of glossy wrapping paper on my presents, but to say they have really impacted me would be a bit of a stretch. Well last night, way back there in the far corners of the San Diego Convention Center in downtown, I just wept listening to those oh so familiar songs.

Christmas is our anthem of hope and we raise this flag high. Often, though,  I find myself believing I am alone in a scary, hostile world. How many times do I put pressure on myself to save and be all that the world needs?

I wanted to write my church a letter but then I wanted to write some non-profits a letter and then I wanted to write some campaigns a love note and then I wanted to write my friends and husband and suddenly I realized I want to write the WHOLE WORLD A LETTER. So here it goes. Because you guys ROCK.

Dear World,

Wow World.

Wow.

You stunned me last night. Thousands of people hearing the good news. The actual news, that is actually good.

World, you fight for what is true, good and right. I feel recovery in my sight as I look around and the army of love is brave and true.

It's not just me trying to help adolescents recover from trauma. It's naive of me (nay ignorant) of me to believe I am the only one educating those around me on the bondage of eating disorders. I am not the only who encourages other to love their face and their body for how it was created. I am not the only who stands up for the voiceless, and the oppressed. I am not alone in my devastation over what the pornography industry has done to our society. I am not alone in my fight to rescue those enslaved by the sex trade.

Last night, world, you showed me that I don't sing christmas songs alone either. I sing them along with thousands and not just in San Diego, but thrown across the space of our world. I sing them with humans who continue to reach out to San Diego, to people in need of a rescue. A world that desperately needs to know it's soul's worth.

All of you, #potentia, #centerfordiscovery, #fightthenewdrug #31bits #christmascollective  #onehope #floodchurch #momastery  #darling #30daysnomakeup  #vom #isanctuary #truckersagainsttrafficking #hollywoodprayernetwork #chisomoidea #ouranthemishope and so many I have not discovered are making this world more beautiful. And then there is YOU. Wow you. You are bringing it. People are bringing it. Heaven is here and I didn't even know it.

It's being made by you and me. The soul is finding it's worth this Christmas.

People are creating a holy night and a freaking HOLY DIVINE DAY.

We are loving each other and we are saying:

yes to inclusion;

and no to exclusion;

no to despair;

and a roaring loud yes to hope;

yes to enoughness;

no to scarcity;

yes to real;

no to counterfeit;

yes to equality;

no inequality;

yes to respect;

no to exploitation;

YES TO CHRISTMAS. You bring us hope.

Good grief world, you are bringing it. I am proud of you. When I think the world is too full of pain and tragedy and sickness and violence, I will call bull shit on this mantra. There is still enough GOOD in this world to go around. Always, always enough.

I say my prayers each night to One who makes our nets heavy with fullness and our glasses full with bubbling goodness. Enough fish. Enough wine. Enough of everything. The same One who came to see the stars from our side of forever, and showed us just how bright they could be.

And so we sing a hallelujah of this sacred and holy night.

That is our life.

Thank you world oxox

Love, your little human - Heather

Listening to Christmas

Every year the holiday seasons rushes in with the speed of a cheetah and the intensity of a hungry lion. It is almost impossible to figure out how to slow the clock down. Black Friday sales just make me crazy as I feel insurmountable pressure to buy this now or it will NEVER be this price again and you will NEVER have this. THE END. 

I have done little small things to make the season go by more slowly. In October Scott and I figured out a budget for Christmas gifts. We decided to make homemade gifts for the vast majority of friends and family. I bought a couple extra things as well and then on November 28th (Miracles of miracles) my Christmas shopping was done. Check.

We also decided not to get a tree since we won't be here for Christmas but will be spending it with my family in Oklahoma. One less thing to do. The problem though is I LOVE Christmas. I love all of it. The cinnamon and peppermint smells. Reading the Christmas story over and over again. The cracking fireplace. Christmas cards coming in the mail. The cozy sweaters. The holiday parties. The shopping. THE GIFTS. I will be 88 years old and will love gifts like a 10 year old kid love gifts. Somewhere though despite my love for it all, I get utterly loss beneath the consumerism and the never-ending to-do list, and the cultural pressures. By the time December 26th rolls around I realize how exhausted I am and how desperately I need some time to myself.

Time does not slow down unless I make it slow down. What can I do to actually hear Christmas inside myself? Like actually hear the good news in my soul. This is why I decided to give myself a small but powerful challenge. I believe that the habits I cultivate daily create the kind of life i want often more then the big bang decisions that I so often look towards. Every day for the month of December I will dedicate 10 minutes of listening to Christmas.

What does this mean? This means no obligations, no productivity, no work and no hurry. I have a storage bench that faces out our bedroom window that I love. I will light my lavender lemon candle and  listen for 10 minutes. In my mind I thought,  / seriously don't have time for 10 minutes of stillness in December with all the travel and work and partiesI. That thought alone made me think, oh my goodness I need this 10 minutes!!! It's not a long time at all. But it's 10 minutes for me to be still and listen. To create a breathing room for myself that I can step into any time of day. Sacred and holy minutes.

I'm not sure what I expect to hear this month. My husband asked me what "listening to Christmas" means to me. I think it means I want to hear the bells, the reindeer, the snow fall (or rain fall in San Diego's case), I want to hear Santa and his ho ho ho. I want to cause time to S L O W down amidst this fast paced season. But really I want the message of Christmas to draw near to me. I want to know joy to the world is not a song but real life. I want to hear that hope is the voice of truth. I want to hear that love still wins. I want to hear a certain baby's first cry that echoes into my present with surprising tenderness.

This Christmas I will listen.

Naked Face

I have made it to day eleven doing #30daysnomakeup. I have been so inspired by the founders beautiful and authentic blog encouraging me along the way. They put this quote on their 30 Days No Make-Up Blog that really sat with me.

“The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.”

– Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart

This whole campaign has caused me to leave my ignorance behind and face myself with courage and respect. Some days my courage is small and more in the mustard seed genre, however think those are the days were I really grow. 

For Thanksgiving week I have been spending time with my husband's family in northern California. We are amidst the tall trees and cooler temperatures. As I write this I am surrounding by family and a cozy cracking fire in the fireplace.  I am really grateful to have kind and accepting in-laws. My mother-in-law totally supports me in my campaign and reminds me how beautiful I am even without the make-up. She skips the cosmetic ads on the TV because she knows how much I miss my make-up. It hasn't been as hard here. I don't have to go to work and feel the pressure to be on make-up. There isn't a lot of need to check the mirror here. We do other things like read books, make homemade food, go on walks and go shopping together for a 20 pound turkey at the farmer's market. We have quiet mornings of sleeping in and coffee. Here I feel like I can be a bit more gentle with myself and my face. (even though I have somehow created a monster zit right under my eyebrow: driving me nuts) 

Early this weekend though Scott and I were invited to a fancy exclusive club by his sweet and extravagant grandparents for dinner. There was a dress code: guys in suits and gals in dresses. We were not allowed to look at our phones. There was multiple courses and the wine flowed. The powder room was filled with women re-applying their make-up, hair spray and gloss. I was literally afraid I would be kicked out for not wearing make-up. I ran into a woman who "snuck" into the bathroom to check her phone so she could see if her kids were okay at home. She said it was her first time at the club. I said it was mine too and I shared about my campaign and how nervous I was. She was so inspired by this campaign and talked about how she chose not to wear make-up one day and that the world sees her real face now. I can't say I will give up make-up for all eternity but it certainly made me think. 

There is something intrinsically courageous as well as respectful and gentle to one's self to bare your real face to the world. Initially I thought, Is this disrespectful?! People don't want to see my real face! It's like I'm imposing my face on the public! But the more I think about it the more I realize how much it's an act of self-love. It takes a lot of guts as well as a TON of self-compassion to do this. I have to be on my side to do this and it's so much easier said than done. I can be very hostile to myself. I feel like this process is helping me be more gentle with me and in turn, more gentle with those around me. This Thanksgiving I am grateful for having people around me who encourage me and are kind to my face even when I snarl at it in the mirror. Besides no one needs lipgloss to fully engage one's senses in eating turkey! (or tons of mashed potatoes, green bean casserole and STUFFING) 

Unfiltered thoughts from an unfiltered face

Well hello there day 5.

At this point in my 30daysnomakeup I'm feeling many different things.

Yesterday I found myself at the mall and felt entirely invisible (and utterly pale and like my eyes were going to shrink into my forehead). There was posters the size of garage doors staring me down. Air brushed and photo-shopped and perfect faces peered at me from every angle and corner. It's that time of year. The holidays. I love this time of year but the malls becomes progressively more and more crowded and chaotic. I feel like everything is screaming for my attention to consume. So many mirrors. The clothing department stores tell me I don't have enough. Never enough! The models plastered to every corner and square inch of space tell me I am not enough in my own skin.

My own skin.

My own skin is hard to be in. I'm embarrassed to say this is harder than I thought it would be. I often forget all about the fact I'm not wearing any make-up, until I look in the mirror. Rather than people being the ones who I fear to judge, I am the one judging myself. After all I don't feel the need to wear make-up around my closest friends or my husband. I never felt a need to wear make-up when I nannied Owen. I am beginning to observe the places and people I feel safe with and around. The little boy I spent years nannying=safe. My husband=safe. Dark Horse Coffee Roasters=safe. Library=safe. The garden outside of the monastery=safe.

I have never felt like "Oh I'm going to see Scott tonight, better put on some make-up or I want to head down to the library! Where is my mascara?!"


Nope. But when I am going somewhere I don't feel emotionally safe I want my make-up bag and I want all my Clinique make-up ready for action.  I am not talking about those times you get dressed up and put on make-up and you feel like a cool artist at work before a glitzy holiday party or a summer wedding or a work presentation. To me, those are fun events where I choose make-up as a form of creativity from my insides. But more often than not, I wear make-up as a barrier. It protects me from others. I don't have to let others really see me.

It's vulnerable.

It feels bare and uncomfortable.

And you know it's okay. Some people may have not earned my trust or respect enough to see the real me. The person behind the gloss. I think if someone doesn't want someone to see their acne because they feel nervous about what other people think that is understandable. It's normal and human. As a therapist working at a high-school I hear so much about bullying. I would never tell my clients to drop their shields if they don't feel safe. Maybe they need their shields.

Sometimes I need mine.

This month I'm observing what has sometimes been used as a shield in my life.

My hope for this month is that I can gradually come to love the woman behind the gloss, the paint, and the ever enticing mascara. She is worth loving and caring for. She is worth being brave for.